Dean Venture quotes from The Venture Bros.

Dean

Well, I scored your sample test, Brock, and well, you did better than Hank did, but let's just say you'll have to do awfully well on the physical portion.

Hank

No problem. Your training begins now! [takes Brock's dinner and gives him a glass of eggs] Drink up! Your ass is mine, Samson! When I get through with you, you're gonna eat lightning and crap thunder!

Dean

Looks more like he's gonna drink eggs and crap....eggs.

Did you lift anything heavy?

Dean

(in extreme pain) I told you, it's not a hernia.

Were you roughhousing with your brother?

Dean

Nooo.

(suddenly, in horror) Oh dear god... You two haven't been... experimenting with inappropriate touching-

Dean

No! Gross!

I know you've been seeing a lot of that little tramp who lives next door. Lord knows what kind of diseases that hussy carries.

Dean

(groans, still in acute testicular pain) It's getting worse!

Dean, I don't want you hanging around with Triana Orpheus any more. I don't approve of the way she dresses! Girls like that are usually on the dope. (gasps) Dean! Have you been shooting dope into your scrotum?! You can tell me! - I'm hip!

Dean

Daa-ad!! Why are you doing this?! I don't know what I did!! Suddenly it just felt like someone kicked me in the rocks, and- and they never took their foot away!

Alright Dean, you're going to have to pull down your pants. I have to palpate the region.

Dean

Please dad! Please, please, please don't feel me up!

I'm going to palpate, Dean. This isn't any fun for me either. Do you want me to get H.E.L.P.eR. to do it? Is that better for you? A doddering old robot with cold, steel claws. Is that what you want?

Dean

Ahhhuh!!I want a doctor!!

Alright, let's see them.

Dean

I don't want to show my junk to a little boy.

Oh, come on!

Dean

You said you wouldn't look!

I'M NOT LOOKING! Billy, fess up to the boy. He's been pulling that "Boy Genius" crap for at least the 20 years that I've known him.

Well, nobody is that impressed with "Master Billy Quizboy ADULT Genius."

Like a speech impediment and growth hormone deficiency qualifies you as a "BOY Genius."

Don't forget the huge head!

Hey! I copped to it! Now you guys are just ganging up on me! Can we just do this please?

Dean

Hank! I had my pubes shaved. I'm gonna put them under my pillow for the tooth fairy!

Hank

Did the doctor see that creepy dog dork of yours?

Hank, don't brag to your brother about your circumcision.

With every fiber of my being I stab at thee, as long as blood flows through this heart I will hunt you down. I will be the stuff of your children's nightmares.

What's he doing now?

Dean

He's making his dramatic exit.

(sigh) This could take all night, I'm gonna get Brock.

Hank

I think he's almost done.

And then, when nothing can be heard but your cries of agony, I will pull the chain and let the beast devour you. Mark my words: I will have my revenge, DR. VENTURE!

Hank

Wait! You lived with BROCK?? That is so unbelievably cool!

Dean

No wonder you guys are such super pals!

Actually... back then we didn't see much of each other...

We had very different schedules... always coming and going... at... different times...

Wait, tell 'em who really won the roommate lottery that year.

Oh, God, don't remind me.

Okay, so the university sticks me with this exchange student, (switch to college) but check it out, he's, like, a prince or something. His parents sent him a care package last week for his birthday. You know what he got? A personal slave. The poor guy sleeps in my closet. Speak of the dickweed. Hey, Werner.

Dean

Baron Ünderbheit!!!

(back to present) Yeah. You told 'em?

Dean

No, Baron Ünderbheit is right there!

Hank

Holy crap! Brock, kick his butt!

Brock

Relax, boys, he's not gonna do anything. It's hallowed ground.

Hank

So what was he (Baron Ünderbheit) like in the olden days?

Well, except for the metal jaw, pretty much the same—total dick.

Baron Ünderbheit

The tape is on the floor for a reason, Peter! Your things belong on your side of the room and don't think I haven't noticed that you moved it to make your area larger. If you cannot obey the simplest of rules...

Yeah, well, you don't make the rules, fella. You might be a big shot in your own country but around here you're just a kid with the weirdest-smelling lunch.

Baron Ünderbheit

ARRRRRRGGGGHHH! Very well! Then you leave me with no choice but to take this up with the R.A. at the next floor meeting. Come, man-servant.

Who cuts his hair, the Incredible Hulk?

What, did he walk into the barbershop and say, "what can you do to make me look more like Pete Rose?"

Hey, what's wrong with his hair? I have, like, the same haircut.

Yeah, but you're Chinese, your people can't be blamed for what your hair does.

I'm Japanese, jerk-off. But yah, that's so true. At least I don't have his eyebrows.

You wanna see eyebrows, come to my Creative Writing class. There's this kid, no joke, they're out to here, and the weirdness doesn't stop there. All he writes are these way-too-specific poems about monarch butterflies. Total closet case!

Hank

(present) Okay, this is getting nuts. You're not gonna tell me that you went to college with the Monarch too! Where did you guys go, Super Crazy No-Way School?!

Dean

Saliva is nature's glue.

Hank

And raisins are nature's candy!

Dr. Orpheus

Do not be too hasty entering that room. I had TACO BELL FOR LUNCH!! Expert witness, Dr. Byron Orpheus has arrived.

Hank

(examining the bathroom door from which Orpheus emerged) The hair's gone! A clue!

Dean

It was Dr. O the whole time. I wonder what that means?

Brock

It means Dr. Orpheus had to take a dump. So... nice job. Case closed.

Brock

The police keep out of the way of the Guild for the most part. Who do you think supplied them with new cruisers last year?

My tax dollars, for one.

Dean

Santa Claus, for two.

Well, Hank, what's it like to be a... liar. Huh? You like being a liar with pants constantly on fire?

Objection, your honor, leading.

I'll rephrase that: Hank, are you a liar?

Hank

No sir, I don't think so.

Yes you are!

Dean

You're the liar!

And may I remind you, that I am rubber and you are glue and whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you.

Brock

Something big is going down. This place is crawling with Strangers.

Hank

You can't expect to know everybody.

Brock

No, Hank. Strangers are undercover Guild operatives.

Dean

We gotta warn Pop!

Brock

No, Dean, this is Guild business, your father isn't in any harm. Guild work is clean, professional. It's surgical with them. In a way they're the only organization I still respect.

Hank

And they kill clean, don't let dames get in the way.

Brock

Honestly, Hank, where do you pick that stuff up? I never see you read.

Dean

It's weird, right?

Brock

It's like he channels dead crazy people.

Hank

You think it's a cry for help?

Dean

I'll be sleeping in a room right next to Triana. And then she'll hear, like, thunder or something, and she'll run into my room all scared and stuff. And I'll be like, "Hush, my darling. It's just ionized air molecules expanding." And she'll be like, "Oh, hold me." And then I'll, like...

Hank

Dude! If we stay here, that means that we'll be Dr. Orpheus's kids. And that means Triana will be your sister. And that means you two will have extra-retard babies.

You're probably wondering why you're here, YOU'RE HERE BECAUSE YOU DONE FUCKED UP TOO MANY TIMES! You think you're hot shit in a champagne glass, but you're really cold diarrhea in a dixie cup! And if you keep like you've been doin', this is where heading.

(snickering)

Oh, that's funny to you right? Cause you so fuckin bad? I know your type. You think, "I'll just get me a costume and rip off the neighborhood kids." Next thing you know you've got a jet shaped like a skull with lasers on the front.

This is totally gay.

What?! You think this is gay, huh? Is that what you fucking said, you scrawny piece of shit? Oh, this isn't gay! But King Gorilla over there is, and I'll bet he can't wait to break off a piece of your dick in his ass! (King Gorilla makes kissing lips)

You - get up! I SAID GET THE FUCK UP! What's your name?

Dean

Dean Ven...

YOUR NAME IS BITCH! And I own you. YOU'RE PROPERTY! And when I'm tired of having sex with every hole God drilled in your slender frame - King Gorilla, you got a cigarette? There, I just sold you for a cigarette, and I don't smoke! (pause) Holy shit, you're Dean fucking Venture! King, I gotta buy my bitch back, here's your cigarette.

Fuck you, gimme a dollar!

What the fuck are you boys doing in the big house?

Dean

Well, our dad had a baby, so we ran away.

Hank

And then we got arrested for not speeding enough.

You shouldn't even be alive!

Dean

Huh?

I put out a hit on you. Super sorry. But, you know, I'm in mother-fucking prison here. My life is fucked.

You boys don't wanna end up in here, this place is full of fucking animals. (Hank opens his mouth) I don't mean King Gorilla, Hank. I mean this place will chew you up and spit you out. (Hank opens his mouth again) No, I'm not talking about Mecha-Mouth, Hank.

Dean

(sighs) This was a big mistake.

Fuckin'-A right! This is all wrong, you boys are the fucking Venture brothers. You've had your little adventure, now go the hell home.

Hank

Fuck that shit!

Dean

Hank Venture! What is wrong with you!? You're changing into an extra-bad person! Do you even know how many baby angels you just killed by saying that?!

Hank

Oh by glory! You're right! What's happening to us? We searched for freedom, and it landed us in jail.

Dean

I bet dad's worried sick. And Brock. He loves ya, Hank, I just know it.

Oh, this is just gay. Look, I gotta get back to yelling at regular kids, alright?