Dean Venture quotes from The Venture Bros.

Dean

Don't say it.

Hank

You look like the Mayor of Candy Land.

Dean

Mommy, how do you know where to go?

Dr. Girlfriend

I'm not your mommy! And I put a tracer on the Monarch when we were first dating- HANK, take this right!

Hank

I'm driving! I'm a driver!

(in unison) We know!

Dr. Girlfriend

Yeah, tracer. You do stuff like that when you date super villains.

Dean

Where'd you put it? Is it in his brain? Or is it like a secret tracer tooth?

Dr. Girlfriend

No, I hid it in my mouth and I jammed it up his- (smirking) Honey, like I said, you do some pretty strange things when you date super villains.

Hank

Who are all these people?

Dean

Are they all mommy's other boyfriends?

Dr. Girlfriend

Stop calling me your fucking mommy!

Brock

(sighs) You know, it's not costin' ya anything.

What is she, an intern? She getting credit for this in Murder School?

Brock

I worked out a trade. You know how Russians are goofy for American jeans? Well, I snagged a planeload of them the last time we were down in Bolivia. (he opens a hatch on the X-1 and a "manaconda" slithers out, hissing)

Dean

Manaconda!

Alright, she's nimble. I'll grant you that. Can she close the deal?

Brock

Wait.

Dean

Eww. Wo-manaconda.

Dean

What are you doing with Danica Patrick?

Hank

I'm over her, you want this?

Dean

Nah, not my type.

Hank

Wanna keep the Fun-Tak at least?

Dean

Whoa, not Mary Lou Retton too! What's going on with you?

Hank

(sighs) Dean, Dean. I sometimes forget that you're younger than me.

Dean

By a lousy four minutes!

Hank

Then maybe in four minutes you'll understand. It took a real woman to finally show me that these girls, fine atheletes and easy on the eye both, were but the mere crushes of a boy. And you, my friend, are looking at....a man.

Dean

(gasps) You finally got 'em?

Hank

(covering his crotch) A gentleman never asks and a lady never tells.

Dean

Why is my brother dressed like that?

I didn't ask. I thought you two liked to dress like idiots.

Dean

Hey!

Triana Orpheus

Hey, Dean.

Dean

Triana! Thank god!

(sarcastically) Nice bod.

Dean

Thanks, I've been working out... a lot.

Triana

Hey, we came over to use the pool, is that cool?

Dean

No, it's not cool. Nothing is cool.

Triana

You seem a little weird, are you guys ok?

Dean

(whispering) She's killing us.

Dean

...and Hank, I don't know what his deal is, it's like he's actually enjoying this.

The Scooby-Doo kid? Where'd he go?

Dean

He's swimming laps... uh oh. (Hank is unconscious at the bottom of the pool)

Nyet! Ew, milk breath.

Hank

Incredible.

Dean

Hank! We've got big troubles. The Apaches are back!

Hank

What?

Dean

Look. Tepee in your trunks!

Hank

My pants are haunted! My pants are haunted!

Brock

What happened?

Hank

Yeah Clarissa, explain it all

Dean

That guy with the bird head, he has this mummy army, and one of the mummys has a magic scepter. Don't move Hank, he's right behind you!

Hank

What? Yep. That's just Mummy-Mum-Muggy. He's a good mummy, Dean-o. Right? Muggy friend. (scratches the mummy's chin) Muggy like his chin rubbed. Who's a good mummy?

Brock

Hank, get your brother's head and follow me. There has to be a way out of here.

Hank

Muggy might know! (continues scratching Muggy's chin) Where's the exit? Tell us boy. (Muggy's head, except for the lower jaw, falls off)

Brock

This is getting stupid! Where the hell is your father?

Dean

Aww, can't we keep him?

Hank

Yeah, dad, can't we? We'll feed the Perfect Man and clean up after him and everything! Super swear! Please??

No. He's an abomination. Go ahead, Brock.

(formulating a rescue plan) Hank, you and Caligula keep up the rear. (Caligula moans happily and hugs Hank) On second thought, you and Freud should do it. Caligula, you take the second wave alone. Ready Dean?

Dean

(with the body of a mummy, riding on the back of the bucking 'Perfect Man' and holding two shotguns.) Woah, steady, perfect man. Ready Brock!

When the gates open me, Poe, and me, (pointing to himself from the past) rush in. You got that? (Poe gives the thumbs-up)

You're going to kill him when he shows up, aren't ya?

Oh, you know it.

(raising their machetes) Charge!

Dean

(while going through a box of Dr. Venture's old things) Ah, neat! You wrote a fan letter to the Herculoids when you were ten? (Hank snatches the letter away from Dean) Hey!

Hank

Hey, horses! (reads letter) It's not a fan letter, he calls them hippies for not fighting in Vietnam. (The Grand Inquisitor snatches the letter) Hey!

Dean

Check this out. (reading Colonel Gentelman's journal) Dear diary, another dreary party at the Frosts' Flat, but oh the bitches were in rare form tonight!

Hank

Skip ahead. Maybe later he talks about grandpa's thing.

Dean

Wait, there's some kind of a list. Could be a clue! ""(continues reading) Toys Colonel Gentleman wishes he had when he was a lad but weren't invented yet: Micronauts, The Scooby-Doo Monster Game, Which Witch, AT-AT Imperial Walker, Stay Alive: The Survival Game...

Hank

What is that, code?

Dean

(after reading Colonel Gentleman's journal) "Colonel Gentleman's good names for an imaginary friend." "Colonel Gentleman's Hollywood actresses who need a smack in the mouth" They go on and on. This is a crazy person's diary.

Dean

Any advice, you know, this being our first big date and all?

Brock

Yeah. (Throws corsage from Dean's lap out the window)

Dean

No?

Brock

No. Don't pull out her chair, kiss her hand, or anything like that — it's kind of dorky. Just be yourself. Wait, here, take this (his wallet). It's got plenty of money in there, and it doesn't have a cartoon bee on it. Don't let them pay for anything, and if you end up going to, like, a movie or something, you call me on the two-way, okay?

Hank

What about me? Any advice to help me score with my mystery date?

Brock

Yeah, don't say "score" or anything close to "mystery date" in front of her, and don't do that "do you like seafood" joke either.

Hank

Can do, 'cause she would totally know that joke already.