(Steve joyfully enters Nicola's office with cups of coffee for her and her team.)
SteveMorning, campers!
(Nicola and Steve shake hands, BUT...)
Steve
Oh, no.
(At Steve's insistence, he gives Nicola a HUG! Fun for Steve...but not so much for Nicola.)
Steve
(happily) Hello, Nicola.
Steve
You look like you've lost some weight.
Steve
Yeah!
Steve
(very pleased) Oh, I think so, yes. No, your face looks quite gaunt. Muscly.
Steve
Anyway, I come bearing caffeinated gifts.
(Steve presents the cups of coffee, and the team is appreciative of his gesture. Then, Steve gets down to business.)
Steve
I'm gonna cut to the chase. I need you to publish...all the crime stats since 2004 as an accompaniment to our Transparent Government launch. From 2004 up to the last quarter.
Okay, we are just about to launch, um, Healthy Choices. With Andy Murray.
Steve
Andy Murray! Whoa! (Steve mimes a tennis volley.) Ace!
Steve
(to Nicola) We'll make a Minister of you yet.
I mean, after that, we can try and get you something for, say, end of the week?
Steve
After? Why after? Why not right alongside? Or, here's a thought...Before.
Because we're under-resourced and it's not a priority.
Steve
The PM thinks it is a priority. It can be done. (beat) Oh, I seem to have reached the end of my argument.
Okay. Well, look, um, why don't we say Thursday lunchtime. Okay?
Well, you've got Fran's leaving lunch on Thursday.
I have got a lunch. Thursday afternoon.
Steve
(still smiling) Yes, I don't give a fuck about Fran's leaving lunch. I'm saying Now now now now now now now now. Now!
Okay. Chillax. We're on the case, Steve.
Steve
Lovely. Thank you very much.
Good. Okay. Well, it's a delight to see you again.
Steve
Oh!
(Another awkward hug between Steve and Nicola.)
(jokingly) Mind my gaunt face.
Steve
(to the whole team) Bye-bye.
(to Terri) Okay. Think about what you're gonna say.
Yeah. Okay, I've done that.
What? Already? Is that enough time?
(on the phone) Kate. Hello. Uh, Terri Coverley. Yes. Yeah, we're thrilled about Andy being on board.
(whispering to Terri) Get on with it.
(stammering) No. I'm not actually saying that it's...
(Nicola then sees Steve Fleming entering the room. Again.)
(still whispering) Shit! End the call. End the call. It's Mustache Sally. Fleming! Steve Fleming's here! Put the phone down!
Steve
(to Nicola) Ah, Nicola Murray! How are the crime stats coming along?
It's not easy, Steve, as you can see. But Glenn and Ollie are on top of it.
"Other theft?" What the fuck is other theft?
I don't know what other theft is.
Steve
If you want to stay late, or pull an all-nighter, if you think it'd help –
You want us to work all through the night on this?
Steve
It would be very much appreciated upstairs.
Hah, well: I'm an atheist.
Steve
(laughs) By the Prime Minister. I did get the joke, by the way.
Steve
Malcolm!
Oh, there he is, Bob Carolgees; how's the wee comedy dog?
Steve
Welcome back. Good holiday? I hear your kitchen's lovely at this time of year.
Yeah, well actually, I went to Spain.
Steve
Oh, nice.
Yeah yeah, I went to Malaga, it was lovely. I was golfing with Stephen Hawking, he's fucking shit. He lied about his handicap. Mind you, I never had to hire a golf buggy, I just sat in his lap.
Steve
Please. Why do we have to be like this? All this negative energy. Come on!
Steve
Well, we've got to work together. So, you know...
So what? I mean, that doesn't mean we have to like each other, does it?
Steve
No, I mean...
(Someone's trying to get past Malcolm and Steve.)
(to the passer-by) Sorry. (He politely lets him pass through.)
Steve
We both know we don't like each other, everyone knows that, we are the Gallagher brothers of politics.
How does that work? Does that mean that I'm the semi-talented songwriter and you're the fucking loutish prick? That's a lovely analogy.
Steve
You were the one who forced me out of the sodding band. (chuckles) Come on, let's have a chat.
(Malcolm and Steve continue their unfriendly chat in an office.)
You were asked to leave the fucking band. And you wouldn't fucking go, would you? You had to hang on in there, like a limpet up a whale's arse.
Steve
Why do you thrive so much on being disliked?
People hate me? Good! Bring it on. Do you know what they say about you?
Steve
I'm sure you're going to tell me, Malcolm.
I'll tell you exactly what people think about you!
Steve
All right, go on then!
Steve
Oh, do they? FUCK-ALL?
People have no fucking opinion about you! You're like fucking Special K or fucking the Moody Blues. That's you, fucking white noise in the background—Funny? Is that funny? Do you find that funny?
Steve
No, I don't find anything you're saying funny whatsoever. And I'll tell you a home truth, Malcolm Tucker: The people who are really hated in this country, the people who are really hated, are us. This government. How about we stand together? Let's both be team players, shall we?
(But then, Malcolm's cell phone beeps.)
Were you the Einstein that OK'd this fucking Andy Murray thing at DoSAC? Because I've got The Telegraph on here. (Steve's cell phone then beeps.) And you've probably got The Times asking why the budget's been pre-announced on Twitter by fucking Ryan Giggs.
Steve
(looking at his cell phone) Shit! "The last quarter's crime stats, which DoSAC have published, are unconfirmed projections." Shit!
Steve
Come on, Malcolm. Team players!
(Both men leave the office.)
(And now, Steve & Malcolm are confronting Nicola in her office...much to Nicola's dismay...)
Steve
Nicola, you and your department have screwed up!
(entering) I'd like to agree with the previous speaker, only adding the words 'fucking royally'.
Oh Jesus, am I being gang-bollocked?
Andy Murray's Henman-fisting us in the press. We can't have that –
Steve
Well, with undue respect, Malcolm, the crime stats cock-up is a much bigger deal.
This is such a great double act, isn't it? Good Cock, Bad Cock!
I'll tell you what, why don't you go first, mate? I need a wazz.
(While Malcolm leaves to go to the bathroom, Steve continues scolding Nicola.)
Steve
I like you, Nicola, I quite like you. But darling, I've gotta ask you, what the bloody hell happened?
Like you asked, we published the crime figures from 2004 up to the last quarter.
Steve
Yes, up to the last quarter but not up to and INCLUDING the last quarter, you dozy mare!
'Up to' includes the thing you're going up to. Right? If you say count up to 20, it means count up to and include the number 20!
Steve
The events leading up to the Second World War do not include the Second World War!
We haven't got time for a semantic argument about this.
(Malcolm returns from the bathroom.)
Steve
Listen, sweetheart –
Do not fucking call me sweetheart!
I think you'll find that Steve was addressing me: the 'tache is a bit of a giveaway.
Steve
I will draft a statement.
You fucking will not draft any fucking statement!
Steve
I've been minding the shop!
You were fucking minding the shop, and what happened? A bunch of fucking schoolkids came in and fucking dropped their trousers and fucking had a shit in aisle 5!
Steve
Well thank you for giving us a guided tour around the Freudian nightmare of your head!
Could you two decide between you in which order, and from which direction, I'm gonna be shafted?
(Malcolm and Steve are playing a "Tug of War" of sorts for Nicola's attention.)
(to Nicola) Ignore him. Just come with me. Come into my office.
Steve
(to Malcolm) Let's deal with the crime stats...
(But Malcolm successfully brings Nicola into his "office..." and shuts Steve out.)
Steve
(knocking on the door) Come on. Malcolm. Malcolm. MALCOLM! (Steve starts laughing uncomfortably) Sorry about this, everybody.
(Malcolm is happy to shut out Steve, but he's still visibly annoyed.)
Goodbye. Give my regards to the rest of the fucking Village People.
(But then, Terri knocks on the office door.)
(outside the door) Sorry, Nicola, Mal--um, excuse me. It's Andy Murray. He's-he's insisting on talking to you.
Get him back on board. Fucking talk to him.
Was that an attempt at a joke?
You told me to kill it! I've killed it!
Right now, some photos in the papers of a very boring man with tight white shorts on is gonna be a very pleasant distraction from Steve's fucking crime stats abortion.
If we need a fucking celebrity, can we try somebody else? Steve Redgrave.
Fucking boring, boring fuck. And fucking drives a car.
Fucking cyclist! Are you fucking mental? Everybody hates cyclists! Even fucking cyclists hate fucking cyclists! Plus, he's a boring fuck!
(still outside the office) Paula Radcliffe?
No, she shat in the street!
And she's a boring fuck as well.
How about we just launch the policy without a celebrity?
(sarcastically) Oh, great idea. "Hello, there. Hi, everyone. I, Nicola Murray, would like to say to you that even though you don't fucking know me from fucking Adam, I think you should cut down on carbs."
(Meanwhile, Steve is trying to turn a negative into a positive. He wants to get Glenn and Ollie to fix the crime stats crisis.)
Steve
Lads, let's get this crime stats cock-up sorted. What have you both got so far?
Well, actually, now we've been trying to think of a replacement for Andy Murray. Some of the women footballers...uh, Jessica Clark, or Sue Smith. Or Faye White.
(Steve's starts smiling, but he's getting annoyed.)
Steve
I cannot believe the energy going into Andy Murray! (Starts laughing again) I can't!
(Steve starts leaving DoSAC.)
(to Ollie) What's his problem.
(Malcolm is talking on his cell phone while heading to his office.)
Just try and wrap your gin-addled brain about this, right? I did say I was at the heart of government. But when...
(Steve Fleming is already in Malcolm's office.)
Steve
Malcolm.
(on his phone) Excuse me.
Steve
I need to talk to you.
(to Steve) One second, please. (back to his phone) Listen, when that...When that incident occurred, I was on holiday. Are you saying to me that my wee caravan's a great fucking waste of time? And my stupid fucking wing mirror extensions?
Steve
(pointing to the TV) The crime stats and Andy Murray, Malc. It's a double fault.
(answering a knock at his door) Listen, if you are not a prostitute or a pizza guy, fuck off! (to Steve) Steve, listen, could you eat or fuck whatever's at the door on your fucking way out, please? (to a colleague) No thanks. (back on his phone) How can I be held responsible? What, for what? I've created a what around the government? I've created a vibe? Listen, son, the only fucking vibe you have to worry about is the one that your wife hides in her knicker drawer. (back to Steve) I am on top of this, okay?
Steve
Oh, fine, fine. You know, I'm just saying I'll gladly lend you a hand if you feel the need to keep your head down.
I don't need to keep my head down, because unlike yourself, I don't give blowjobs to truckers.
(Another knock at Malcolm's office door...)
(The door opens, and -- SURPRISE! It's Julius Nicholson!)
Oh, it's Lord Nicholson! What an enormous pleasure this is!
(with a big smile) Well, in fact, it's, um, the Right Honorable the Lord Nicholson of Arnage. And the kissing of feet may commence!
You got all your stuff ready for your official lording ceremony? Have you got your mink thong and your ermine colostomy bag?
No, I don't, no. I have to hire that, unfortunately. I can't wear it on the Tube or the bus, but I would. It would be great larks, but there we go.
Steve
How about a coffee? Coffee?
Well, um, if there's coffee going, I'd never say no to a nice cup of coffee.
Do you not drink coffee anymore? Is it all port and swan's blood these days?
Swan's blood. That does sound nice. No, I'm just sort of passing through, because obviously we need to start booting up this crime stats inquiry. But it's in effect an investigation into the facts. But I thought since I was passing through...
Yeah, but you don't have to talk to me about that, do you? 'Cause I was on my holidays then. Did you get my postcard?
Well, I will speak to whomsoever I need to speak to, holiday or no holiday?
Where did you learn to speak like that? Is there a special school that's just you and Brian Sewell went to?
I'm gonna leave you to it, frankly.
Steve
And I'm gonna make tracks as well, Malcolm.
Okay, good to see you both.
(But just before Steve leaves...)
Steve
(to Malcolm, softly) The problem is that you are shifting from the man people love to hate to the man people just hate. From Simon Cowell to Piers Morgan.
See you later, and remember, my door's always open.
(And when Steve leaves, Malcolm throws part of the bagel sandwich he was eating onto the door in disgust.)
(A short time later, Malcolm spots Julius again.)
Oh, there he is. Screaming Lord Crutch. I like the flunkies, by the way. That's a very nice touch. It's a wee bit Graham Norton.
Don't needle me, Malcolm. Not when people are under scrutiny.
I'm fucking Nosferatu. That's really fucking scary.
(unimpressed) I'm walking on. We're moving on. I'm Ian Botham. I'm walking on for hospice care.
(And then, Malcolm sees Nicola...and he sneaks over to her when nobody's looking.)
How's it going with Lord Bonnie Longford?
I've not been in yet. I've just been standing here for 20 minutes.
So IF this phone call does come up...
Julius (Seeing what Malcolm's up to) No! No, that's not...
You're nothing if not persistent, are you, Malcolm?
(Julius breaks up the conversation.)
Don't do that! I made it quite clear...
(to Julius) I was standing over there and I thought, "Nicola's choking." But she wasn't. She was laughing, retrospectively, at your massive shiny head. (to Steve) Oh, what happened? Did you get heckled off? What was the line? "Taxi for Tom Selleck!"
Steve
Yeah. Could I have a quick word? Just...just five minutes.
(Steve takes Malcolm into the office to have a private chat.)
(Malcolm is now chasing himself into Steve's office!)
Get back to fucking Wind in the Willows, 'cause that's where you fucking belong!
Steve
I didn't ask you to -- I didn't ask you to come back in. Would you leave my office, please?
I'm not fucking gonna waste my breath on you.
(And now, Malcolm is marching his way towards Julius! Yelling and cursing along the way!)
(to Julius) As for you...
Malcolm, I am sick to death -- You can explain --
(Malcolm puts his hands on Julius and pins him up against a door!)
I'll fucking touch you if I like!
Because I'll tell you this, man!
(Julius fights back and puts his hand on Malcolm!)
I'll fucking strike you, Malcolm!
Don't you fucking touch me!
Don't touch that scarf! That's Paul Smith! Twat! (to somebody else) MOVE!
(Malcolm is finally leaving Good Ol' Number 10.)
YOU WILL SEE ME AGAIN! (Malcolm heads towards the door.) You will fucking see me again! (He leaves Number 10.)
(Steve is at DoSAC, trying to gently assure everyone that everything's alright.)
Steve
Um, lads and lasses! (He laughs) Please, just a quick word. Thank you. Really, it's just a hand-hold to set the tone for a slightly re-jigged regime. I've done all the important departments, and now I've got to you. (He laughs again) Seriously, I've done that joke everywhere, but, uh, even with the genuinely big departments. So I'm not -- (imitating gun fire) -- aiming at you in any sort of a snide way. I'm just checking that we're all at the very top of our games. (Steve then looks at Glenn, who's looking at his cell phone.) Glenn, mate?
Steve
Are you on top of your game?
I am -- I am above my game. I-I'm in a geo-stationary orbit, way above it, looking down and going, "Hello, game, it's Glenn!"
Steve
(laughing) Right! You know, there's an election looming. This is quite a serious time. We need to be aware of that. (Steve points in Glenn's direction, smiling) But I love humor, and that was good humor.
Steve
So, everything: Good.
Yeah, you know, a bit of instability with Malcolm gone, a sort of sense of Post – you know, Psychotic Twats Disorder, but –
Steve
No no, listen, I understand, but you know, right now, you're all emerging from the cellar – pleased that the beatings have stopped - scared of what the future might hold, but long-term, I think we're all gonna be okay. Pep talk, over! Return to your desks, and prepare for government.
Steve
(smiling, but clearly annoyed) Well then, prepare to stay in government.
Oh right. How do we do that?
We pack an overnight bag.
Steve
(apoplectic) Will you PLEASE, FUCKING WELL – (Steve immediately composes himself, and lets out a forced laugh) I'm sorry, I've lost my temper! Where is it? Where is it? Oh, no, I've found it again. It's alright.
Always in the last place you look, eh?
Steve
Yeah.
Steve
Uh, actually, can I have a word with you, Nicky, please?
(Steve wants to talk to Nicola in her office about the upcoming election...and he's standing a bit too close for her comfort.)
Steve
I just wanted to check. Obviously, Dan Miller's cabal is going house to house through the cabinet looking for numbskulls stupid enough to resign to trigger his elevation to the throne.
Steve
What I need to know is are you solid?
Yeah, I am completely -- I am solid as, as the proverbial. As-as a rock. As a rock-hard...as a sailor's wang on shore leave.
Steve
(very pleased) Superb. You really are the potty mouth, aren't you?
(chuckling) Well, a lot to do.
(After Steve leaves her office, Nicola calls out to Glenn & Ollie.)
Ollie, Glenn, in here now. Quick, quick, quick.
(Glenn approaches the office while taking off his glasses.)
Oh Glenn! Don't faff around with your glasses, I know you take them off every time you come in here. It's not impressive. (to Glenn and Ollie) What do we know about the anti-Tom cabal? Why have I not been contacted by them?
Because it would be you...uh, you're seen very much as an individual around the, uh...
(embarrassed) That's bollocks, isn't it? It's 'cause I'm the girl at the party nobody wants to dance with. I'm the freak in the corner with a pint of cider and blackcurrant and the funny eye.
No no. I-I mean, it's...You know, it a big, big Rolodex full of numbers. I'm sure...
(to both Glenn & Ollie) Thank you. You may go.
(stammering) We st-We still would like to dance with you.
(to Glenn) Oh, fuck off. Go and put your glasses back on.
(Steve approaches Julius while he's feeding ducks.)
Steve
The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain.
Well, actually, that is a popular misconception, because what happens is the rain falls just before the mountain ridge, but they wouldn't want you to know that, because it would spoil the rhyme.
Steve
Julius. What's up, Boo-Boo? (Both men laugh)
Not much, I'm just feeding some victuals to these poor old ducks. That red-crested pochard there is positively hoggish with this Hovis.
Steve
I heard certain rumblings that I don't come out terribly well in this report of yours. Off the record, matey, am I fucked?
Off the record, and this is strictly between you, me and that ornamental gatepost over there...
Steve
Of course.
(smiling) The report is strictly confidential until publication. (Julius slightly chuckles) Do you see what I've done there? The bald man has done "a funny."
Steve
(unamused) It's not funny. No, it's not funny at all, Julius.
(continuing to laugh) I beg to differ. I think I'm on sparkling form.
Steve
For fuck's sake! You FUCKING... Pontius Pilate, with the emphasis on PONCE!
The Thick Of It · 395 quotes
