(Julius Nicholson is trying to persuade Malcolm Tucker to return as the two of them are sharing an Indian take-away meal.)
Take the rice first.
Thank you.
Um, I want you to be very clear, Malc, about why it is that I brought you in. Do you know what hat it is that I'm wearing?
Is it your baldy swimming cap wig?
No, it is my government troubleshooter stetson, which is a long way from my homburg of sober inquiry.
Do you know that I'm thinking of doing a television program?
Well, I had heard something on the grapevine.
Yeah, it's good. You know that program Civilisation with Kenneth Clark?
Oh, yes.
It's gonna be like that, except with fucking more quim, you know? It's me, Simon Schama and Alan Yentob in a cage, fucking lump hammer each, whacking the shit out of each other. The last man standing wins a fucking Ford Focus.
The thing is, Malcolm, your departure has basically precipitated a call-to-arms, in effect. We have it on reasonably good authority that there are between three to four cabinet ministers who are disgruntled and are planning a mass resignation. And that means, very simply, a Dan Miller coronation. And as my nephew would say, "This shit just got real."
Your nephew?
Yeah, he's at Charterhouse. Only a day boy, not a boarder. Anyway, the fact is it has to be stopped. Um...There have been a number of ideas being tossed around. And one of them is...would you be prepared to come back?
(in disbelief) Are you out of your tiny, shiny fucking mind?
Look, we can do this simply.
(Julius picks up four colored pencils.)
Step 1: Are you interested? Of course you are. (Julius drops a pencil) Step 2: Will you come back? Yes? (He drops another pencil) Superb. Step 3, and this is the important step: Will you use your considerable influence to destroy the cabal? Can I drop it down? (Julius drops down that pencil, too) Fan-dabi-dozi! Step 4: It's party time. Let's tool up with basmati rice and...Wahey!
(rightfully confused) You're asking me -- to come back here and mop up the fucking splatter from my own assassination?
You know where the bodies are buried. And we'll just say you're coming back to advise, it's election strategy, it's not a day-to-day government business role.
I can't come back again unless I know that I'm in the clear in your report.
I'm not in a position to discuss that; not with my current hat on. However, would I be sat here now if the man in the other hat—which is also me—wasn't sure that everyone involved in this inquiry didn't come out relatively well?
And what about Steve Fleming, yeah? You schizo hat fuck?
Let me put it this way: You see this onion bhaji? Let us pretend for a minute that this onion bhaji is the problems that would be caused by a report that criticised you or Steve Fleming. Hmm? Watch. (Julius takes a bite of the bhaji.) You see what I’m doing? I’m eating.. the onion bhaji. (He eats the rest of the bhaji.) Why? Because I am the man that makes the bhaji go away.
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