(Fergus is still talking to Tara while walking her to the elevator. They're still excited about the bank.)
FergusYou know, when we see something we like, we just buy it.
Fergus
That's the way we work round here.
I hope the Tickel, um...situation is all okay.
Fergus
Uh, well, it'll be fine.
Fergus
Great. Lovely to meet you.
(As soon as the elevator Tara's traveling in closes, Fergus runs back to the offices and takes charge of the situation.)
Fergus
Right! I'm in fucking charge! And I'm going Nordic drama! (to Adam) Adam, secure the economist. (to Phil) You, get Stewart and Mannion back here STAT!
Brilliant. Got that, guys? Yeah? Okay?
(calling out to Fergus) Sure. I'll-I'll do it your way for now, Fergus, but, uh, they left me in charge for a reason.
I bet you line up all your action figures on the edge of your bath, don't you?
1: I've got a shower. And 2: They're still in the boxes.
(Fergus, Adam and Glenn are discussing strategy back at DoSAC.)
Well, anyway, um, Mannion has surely got to freeze housing disposals now.
Fergus
Yeah. And on that point, Glenn, I wonder if it might be at all helpful if we collated every single statement Mannion's made about Tickle and the sell-off policy?
Yeah, as a sort of favor to selected hacks. Put a bit of air between us and the policy. A lot of air.
Adam, this is not the time for party political point-scoring. At least let the body get cold.
Fergus
Of course, understood. What was it? What was it Peter said to those Welsh chartered surveyors?
The health service should be for care, not subsidized housing. I mean, that is...
(Adam mimes an explosion.)
Jesus, is this what we came into politics for?
Yeah. That and the pussy.
Terri, poppet, can you send me out a cry-mail, 'We give a toss, we're sorry for your loss', yeah? Peter, we might need to relaunch the trousers. And get him a tie, a bland one; Glenn, one of yours, yeah?
(Phil goes to get Glenn's tie)
Fergus
Er, Peter, I have a bit of news I should probably make you aware of.
Yes I do know, Fergus, a man with an amusing name has died.
Fergus
Er, no, actually, it's that this morning I, well, I set up a community bank.
You did what? You s– You set up a bank?
Phil (returning with Glenn's tie): I had a moment of weakness and they exploited it, like Hugh Grant.
Fergus
Yeah, well, we didn't really have much choice 'cause it was all going to piss in a kettle here, so we had to get the economist out of the way.
What are you talking about? What economist?
Fergus
Well, we were having a preliminary meeting when Phil started to crow, Glenn was having a meltdown, it was getting embarrassing!
You bought a bank out of social embarrassment? I sometimes buy The Big Issue out of social embarrassment, I don't buy a fucking bank!
Fergus
Peter, this is so fucking us.
Yeah, let me just wind back, right? Let's get this straight, just so that I can deal with you two properly: how much is this bank?
FAFergus and Adam
Well, £2 billion.
Alright, don't need to shit yourself about it, because we're not buying it. OK? It's funded by taxes.
Oh great, the triple! I'm a nurse-killer, a banker, and now I'm raising fucking TAXES?
Fergus
Well, you are meant to be the bad cop, so what's our out?
(Phil drapes Glenn's tie around Peter's neck)
You're giving me an actual noose along with a metaphorical one. TROUSERS!
Sorry, I'm getting the trousers – (interrupted by an alert on his phone) Jesus! What were you guys doing at the hotel? There's a picture of you on a slide, it's been tweeted by a golfer.
(looks at the photo) Oh, f–
(receiving Phil's phone) No no no no no no...
It's gonna go big, probably viral. Bigger than Charlie Bit My Finger.
You look like the Shit Family Robinson.
(Stewart suddenly screams and hurls Phil's phone at the wall, narrowly missing Emma)
(Stewart storms off)
Oh, poor Stewart. I think a bit of his brain broke.
My phone broke! I was up to Warlock General in Dragonlance! A year of my life, gone!
Fergus
Er, Peter, speaking of socially embarrassing situations, what the fuck were you doing being photographed on a slide?
It was the only place we could get a FUCKING SIGNAL!
Fergus
Two grown men in a playground, that's a pretty 'clear signal'.
Peter, Number 10 have seen the photo. They don't want you to make a statement. So Fergus, looks like you're up. Statement on Tickle in 10 minutes, OK?
Fergus
Bring it!
I'm gonna go and talk Stewart down.
(Phil tries to hand the pair of trousers to Peter.)
I don't want the fucking trousers!
(Peter and Stewart share an unexpected bonding moment over their mutual dislike of Fergus while watching him on TV.)
Fergus
(talking to the reporters) ...for a fairer NHS, for a fairer public housing program.
He's exactly why people hate politicians. He's making me hate politicians -- him in particular.
Any second now, he's gonna do the imaginary tits.
(Fergus does the "imaginary tits...")
There they are. (Both Peter and Stewart let out sarcastic chuckles.)
Fergus
Thank you. (Fergus heads back inside.)
Look at him. (beat) Moments like this make you realize why Elvis shot so many TVs.
(Peter, Phil and Emma are now talking about Fergus and Adam's Carer's Pass policy.)
The only silver lining in today's cloud of farts is that another one of Morecambe and Wise's policy launches is ruined.
Are those the carers? They don't look old enough.
Free travel passes or something. It's another one of Adam and Fergus's Pop-Up Book of Policies.
(As Peter and his team stop by the carers, he politely greets them and shakes their hands.)
(to the carers) Peter Mannion, lovely to meet you. What vital work you do.
Fergus
Peter, I'd love to introduce you to the carers...
(to Fergus, flatly) I've just met them.
(Adam is at Fergus's computer in their office. Adam is showing Fergus an article that will help Fergus distance himself from Peter in the Tickel scandal.)
Bingo. We just need to leak it. You saying, "Key worker housing sell-off is possibly the worst idea since the invention of theatre."
Fergus
Does that give us enough distance from Mannion?
Oh yeah. This is your Get Out of Jail Free card strapped to a fucking jetpack. We just need to leak it.
Fergus
Yeah, well, obviously it can't look like it came from us.
Maybe it's time to bring Glenn back into the hub. He's been out on a limb since punk, hasn't he?
Fergus
Thousand-year-old Glenn Fiddich?
Yeah. Fucking perfect, he'll love it.
(Glenn, meanwhile, is in his office, trying to contact Ollie.)
Glenn (on the phone): Ollie, look, I'm feeling very exposed here. I've got my cock out, it's covered in breadcrumbs and the fucking pigeons are circling. Look, please, just-just ring me back.
(Suddenly, Fergus and Adam enter Glenn's office.)
Mr. Cullen. We would like you to leak -- (pretending to be a magician) Wow! This. (Adam shows Glenn a USB flash drive.) Don't worry, nothing major, just an email that puts a bit of distance between Fergus and the Tickle affair.
What, I go from being a turnip to a leak? Still a fucking vegetable to you, though, eh?
Fergus
You wanna bring Mannion down a peg or 12, don't you, Glenn?
Yeah, of course I do. The up his arse Kensington Butcher.
(pointing to the USB flash drive) Well, this is the cyanide capsule we'd like you to break into his afternoon brandy.
Fergus
This is it, Glenn. You're off the bench, back on the pitch to score the golden goal in extra time. Come on, mate!
(After some thought...)
Fuck it. Why not? I'll do it.
Fergus
Good man. Thank you.
(Fergus offers to shake Glenn's hand, but Glenn's still a bit, uh, sore...)
I don't need to shake your hand.
Fergus
All right. Touchy, but not feely.
Just go. I'll just have a look at it.
(As they leave Glenn's office. Fergus and Adam give each other celebratory fist bumps.)
You are a brilliant bullshitter.
Fergus
Yeah, well, two years doing press for npower, it never leaves you.
(And now, Fergus and Adam are celebrating what seems to be a triumphant victory.)
Fergus
(happily) Mannion goes Mel Gibson.
(Fergus and Adam celebrate with a fist bump.)
Fergus
You know, you know what you've done?
Fergus
You, you, you have bought a fan, you plugged it in, you turned it on, you turned the dial up to maximum.
It wasn't a weak fan, it wasn't one of those office fans. It was a Dyson. And I stood the other side of it.
Fergus
Did a liquid shit on it.
Fergus
And where did the shit go?
(Adam imitates an explosion.)
Fergus
All over Mannion.
(But then, Fergus's cell phone chimes...)
Fergus
Fuck, hang on...
Fergus
Um, check the fucking emails.
What are you talking about?
Fergus
What the fuck did you give to Glenn?
(checking the computer) Well, it was just the email, just the...
Fergus
Yeah, but it's the whole -- We're on the email.
(Fergus and Adam are now starting to panic.)
Fergus
Why did you, why did you leave us on the-on the dongle?
Because he's only supposed to send the fucking top part of it.
Fergus
Why did you give him the choice?
Because an email has a chain, Fergus, it has a fucking chain that goes all the way down!
Fergus
Adam, there is now shit all over me! How come there is shit on me? Thanks, Adam!
Look, it's not my fucking fault! He's supposed to redact it!
Fergus
I just wanted one solid shit to go in one direction! Not Madras fucking everywhere!
(Fergus and Adam are now going after Glenn.)
Hey! 2000 Year Old Man! Why the FUCK did you send the whole email?! Huh?! You were supposed to redact it, send the top email, not the whole fucking exchange! JESUS CHRIST ON A CRYSTAL METH BINGE!
Terri and I sent what you gave me.
(in hysterical disbelief) Terri?! Why the fuc– THE ONLY REASON I'D EVER ASK TERRI FOR HELP IS TO SHOOT ME IF I EVER ASKED TERRI FOR HELP!
Same reason you gave it to me: distance! TWO PEOPLE, TWICE THE DISTANCE!
Fergus
BUT TERRI DOESN'T GIVE US ANY DISTANCE! TERRI GIVES ME A TWITCH, (points to his eye) RIGHT HERE! YEAH, LAUGH IT UP, GLENN, BUT I'VE GOT A TWITCH, CALLED TERRI!
(from behind a book shelf, voice cracking) I am actually here, you know!
Fergus
Yeah, and that, in a nutshell, is the whole fucking problem!
(Fergus storms off, Adam follows.)
(singsong) Fuck you very much! (to the carers, who have witnessed the entire exchange) Five minutes, guys, yeah?
CThe Carers
(moaning) Thanks.
(quietly to Glenn) Glenn...what about my tea shop?
(sarcastically) It got closed! There's been a murder!
In the time it has taken for Terri to extract herself from her Bluetooth, this little inquiry has fused! It is now growing faster than the speed of bloody light! It's not gonna be something that we can see from space, IT'S GOING TO BE SPACE! BRIAN COX IS GONNA PHONE ME, AND ASK FOR THE FILM RIGHTS!
BUT WHAT LEAK, WHAT LEAK, WHAT FUCKING LEAK?!
ANYTHING! If I find out that anyone from here has leaked anything, I will make sure they have to emigrate after this to a country where they don't speak English, and there's no Internet!
But every-everyone who leaked anything, that would fill the fucking Caspian Sea, we're just a drop in the ocean here!
No, no, no, what you are, Peter, is Leak Zero! It started here! You have presided over a shambolic showering of info! Peter Mannion, 'Singing in the Rain'! (mobile rings) Oh, Christ. (answers) Hello, Malcolm!
Right, was this your idea? Because I don't remember signing any suicide pact.
Malcolm, look, I'm as shocked about this as you are.
Yes. You sound really shocked, you big fucking spunk lolly.
Yeah, look, I don't even know what that is. But I, you know, I think we all need time to, to process this data, yep?
(Fergus and Adam burst in)
Fergus
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!
(restraining Fergus) All right, Fergus. (calmly) What the fuck is going on?
The Ark has been opened, and your face is gonna melt!
There's gonna be an inquiry.
(Fergus Williams takes his turn giving testimony in front of the inquiry.)
MHMatthew Hodge
(to Fergus) Did you see Mr. Malcolm Tucker's evidence earlier?
Fergus
Uh, yeah, I-Uh, uh, I saw it out of the, out of the corner of my eye.
MHMatthew Hodge
Would you like me to read what he said about you?
Fergus
Uh, no, that's fine, that was the bit that I saw.
MHMatthew Hodge
Embarrassing, I imagine?
Fergus
(emabarrassed, but gathering himself) Uh, no, not at all. It was, um, almost, uh, flattering, yeah...uh, to get, uh, to get "Tuckered." It's a, it's a rite of passage in-in-in, in politics. Happens to all of us. It's, you know, it's like when you're in a Russian jail, you get your face tattooed.
MHMatthew Hodge
Mr. Tucker mentioned meetings between you and the Leader of the Opposition. Did these take place?
Fergus
(after a pause) They did, yes. Er, myself and, uh, Adam were part of a team who had very general, noncommittal discussions with, amongst others, Mr. Miller.
MHMatthew Hodge
And you discussed a potential future coalition with his party and the removal of your own party leader, is that correct?
Fergus
(taken aback) Sorry, could I possibly answer that question with another question? I mean, not that question I'm just asking, but a further question?
Fergus
You do realise that you're being spun here, you do see that?
Fergus
'Cause, you know, Malcolm Tucker's not your common or garden spin doctor, right? No, he's the-he's...he's the chief medical officer of spin – he is Spinoza, you see? So he, he didn't come here in order to answer your questions, he came here in order to get you to then ask his questions.
MHMatthew Hodge
Yeah, right, Mr. Williams, I don't want you to answer a question with another question, I want you to answer it with an answer.
Fergus
I mean, he's conducting you like, um – Goldie.
MHMatthew Hodge
Did you talk to Mr. Miller about removing your party leader?
Fergus
(in disbelief) Sorry, are you getting Tucker's questions sort of beamed straight into your brain?
GLord Goolding
(firmly) Mr. Williams.
(A short time later...)
BSBaroness Sureka
Finally, um, on the subject of frustration, would you say it's difficult to steer policy ideas through your department?
Fergus
(stumbling in his testimony) Uh, yes, there are, uh...blockages. Uh, there is one person in particular and, well, you know, I don't want to identify her -- or him, if she was a man. Uh, but this particular person, uh, is rather inept and has hampered a lot of our initiatives. And she, or her, or him is, um...very difficult to remove. And so she's a, he is a...they are a stubborn blockage, shall we say, like, you know, when you get hair and soap in a-in a-in a plughole with skin flakes.
BSBaroness Sureka
(reassuring) Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Williams. That's, that's fine.
Fergus
Sorry, can I just say...
GLord Goolding
We are very pressed for time, I'm afraid.
Fergus
Yeah, but I really didn't want the last thing I said...
GLord Goolding
I'm sorry.
Fergus
...to be "skin flakes."
GLord Goolding
Thank you.
Meanwhile, an unarrested feral underclass has gone Mad Max, and police station waiting rooms are heaving like the hedgehog carvery at a gypsy wedding.
Ah, Peter. This War of the Roses with the Home Office? It ends now. We want a united realm. There's no vision in division.
Well, yes there is; (looks to Fergus's office) anyway, tell Perkin Warbeck over there.
OK people, could we briefly form a coherent group?
Mary Drake is in the building, she's on her way up.
OK...Shields up, guys; Centurions, we're forming a tortoise.
(Adam approaches Terri, and he's holding a ThinkSocially pamphlet in his hand.)
(to Terri) Okay. Terri, ThinkSocially. Did I sign off on this? Because I hadn't heard of ThinkSocially until I said it just then.
(But as Terri gets ready to explain, Mary Drake from the Home Office has arrived at DoSAC...and she's not happy.)
(moaning) Oh, God. Here-Here's Mary. Bunch up, everyone, so she doesn't see the corpses.
(Peter then hides in his office.)
Look, synchronize lies, all right? (Emma approaches Mary and shakes her hand.) Mary, hi. Hi, Emma, we met at the away day. I so enjoyed our, our mood play.
Yes, you actually did, didn't you? (to Terri) Oh, you must be the legendary Terri. (Mary shakes Terri's hand) I've heard a great deal about you.
Oh, oh, please, don't, uh, don't believe everything that you hear.
(sharply) I fully intend not to. (to Stewart) Stewart. Chakras balanced?
Fergus
Uh, sorry. Tiny bit of, uh, housekeeping. (to Terri) Terri, um, uh, ThinkSocially? Uh, just checking in on that.
Yes. Yes, it's a go thing. Double-stamped, yes.
(Peter emerges from his office and greets Mary with an uneasy smile.)
Mary! Great to see you again.
(flatly) I'm here in an angry capacity.
Ah! The cream in our coffee, Mary.
(to all) The message from the Home Office is this: Move away from the backlog. There's nothing to see. Let the police do their jobs, let us do ours.
Fergus
Sorry to be, uh, contrary, Mary, but Peter and I have just been discussing this very issue.
Shut up! Let me tell you something now: DoSAC is one rat's whisker away from being shut down and subsumed by the Home Office, and put in charge of cocking up the tea run! And I like mine weak, and white. Like my men. (leaves)
Stewart, any thoughts from within your fucking dream yurt?
I will go and try and de-frag this situation, but I am staying strictly macro. (leaves)
Subtitles, you need subtitles!
Fergus
(to Terri) Sorry, erm, ThinkSocially. Terri, would you mind explaining rationally why I appear to be giving a ringing endorsement to a piece of shit that I've never even heard of?
It's not my fault, it's the-it's the double-stamping nonsense, that's the reason.
Oh, really? Because right now, I want to double-stamp on your fucking throat.
I'm gonna take that seriously as a physical threat!
You know, one of the many many things that baffles me about you is you remain unmurdered!
Come out, everyone! Tally-ho, yoo-hoo! Come on, bring out your fucking dead! Right, everybody listen, I've got an announcement to make, erm...
What is it, you got an erection?
No. I would like to tell you all that I'm resigning!
No, you closeted Regency homosexual, that is not it. Morally, this department is in the gutter!
Fergus
Thanks for the speech, Glenn, but we have work –
(grabs a desktop lamp) YOU STAY AND TAKE YOUR PUNISHMENT! I will lamp you, with a lamp!
Glenn, you've gone a tiny bit psychotic, my love.
(puts down the lamp) You, Fergus, when you asked me to join you, all you had was your principles, but over the last two years, you've bent like a human fucking palm tree, swaying to the guff of these six-toed born-to-rule pony-fuckers.
If you're gonna go, just go. Spare us this Peter Finch bullshit.
Oh! Adam, you're waiting for your turn! Oh no! I remember, it's your turn right now!
You are simply the most loathsome human being I have ever met.
You were so well-suited at the Mail, it's a shame you came over here!
Hear, hear! (she and Phil clap)
Do you know what? I hate you both: Tweedle-twat and Tweedle-prick! You contribute absolutely nothing to the world, so thank fucking God you have no power!
Fergus
Er, we do actually, it's –
No, you don't. And Peter: it's been dreadful. I hope your cock falls off. Phil, do you know what you are? You're like an eight-year-old trapped in a twelve-year-old's body.
(gleefully) This is great! Why isn't anyone filming this?
Yeah, yeah, do Emma, do Emma!
Yeah, Emma, I'm sorry, you're just a standard-issue insipid posh bitch. That's it! (Emma smiles and shrugs slightly) Terri? (takes a pair of scissors)
I don't think I've ever met anyone quite so proud, and yet quite so useless. But I do have to thank you, (takes his pass and cuts it up) because I have managed to stay in shape, purely though the energy I spend in pitying you every day!
Glenn, you're just embarrassing yourself.
Fuck you all up the wrong 'un! Ta ta! Bye bye! (leaves)
That was better than IMAX Inception.
Should we try and get him back?
Fuck, no. He's gone completely mental!
The Thick Of It · 395 quotes
