(Fergus is bringing Tara Strachan, a strikingly beautiful economist, to DoSAC HQ.)
(to Tara) Here we are, at the Coalface. (to Adam) Ah. Adam, this is Tara Strachan.
(to Tara) Hello, lovely to meet you.
TSTara Strachan
Hi there.
Shall we, er...She's an economist...
(Fergus and Adam are quite happy to see Tara. Phil, on the other hand, is a little confused.)
What's going on? Who's the skirt?
Oh, I'd love to bring you up to speed, Phil. I really would, but I'm not gonna live long enough. So tell you what, why don't you go and help Glenn watch his telly? I think the dancing's on in a minute.
(to Tara) I really like your coat, by the way.
Tara(quite flattered) Thank you. Thank you.
Tara
It is a little bit.
(Tara is sharing her idea for micro banking with Fergus and Adam.)
Tara
The beauty of this model...
Tara
...um, is that micro banking can happen anywhere, okay?
Tara
Small, low-interest loans, that's the way forward.
This is terrific. I mean, it's so fucking us, it's brilliant.
(trying to calm Adam down) Adam, Adam.
Tara
Oh, don't worry, I don't mind swearing. Shows passion. I've done some community enterprise case studies. Sisters who want to set up a pop-up baker's in a disused travel agents, the boiler guy who wants to take on an apprentice.
The helping hand for hands-on people.
Tara
Yeah.
I like that, that's great. That's really good.
Making sure the can-doers don't get canned.
Terrific. Yeah, really good.
(Meanwhile, back at DoSAC HQ, the Banking Brainstorm continues...)
Tara
Basically, we'd set up a network of microcredit lenders at neighborhood level.
This is great. So what would it be called? Like the Citizen's Bank, or...
Tara
Um, Community...
The Credit Fund? (correcting himself) No, no, credit's a bad word.
Negative. Something, something with "Advance..."
Tara
The We Bank.
Although it does sound a bit like a...sperm bank. But for wee.
Tara
Do you want to have an "ideagasm?"
(very much turned on) Yes, please.
Tara
Ask me how we'd initially fund this.
FAFergus & Adam
How would we initially fund this?
Tara
A one-off Robin Hood tax. Steal from the fat cats, raise enough seed capital for hundreds of start-up funds for fledgling businesses.
You know what? This could work really well for us. This, this is, yeah.
Tara
Yeah?
I mean, let's just talk, uh, figures. What sort of start-up capital are we talking here?
Tara
Not very much. I think we're looking at about £2 billion.
Tara
£2 billion.
Good. Well, um...I mean, obviously, I'd have to ring the Treasury.
Tara
Sure.
And twist a few arms. You know, it'll take a couple of weeks to work up, but we are extremely keen to set that process in motion.
(Stewart and his team are discussing potential new Leaders of the Opposition at Thought Camp.)
OK, let's architecturalise this, yeah?
Oh, don't bother. If it's Ben Swain, we all shout Sweaty Swain as he dehydrates himself through PMQs. Holhurst looks like a shepherd dressed up to meet the Queen, and if it's Dan Miller we're fucked.
Tara
I should tell you I do also have a meeting with Dan Miller booked in.
(suddenly concerned) What? I would just knock that right on the head. Don't -- don't do it.
Well... (awkward laughter from all 3 people) He's in opposition. We rule.
We're the rulers, we're the governors.
And, you know, in the end...this is so fucking us.
(Phil's looking up Tara Strachan's bio on his cell phone.)
Here, uh, "Tara Strachan, LSE, Harvard, author of Strapped: Why We're in Debt to Each Other, Small is Bountiful, Expert in micro-financing and community credit guilds." God, that sounds dreary.
Bloody hell, that's all Fourth Sector stuff! I mean, why have they kept me out here like a stray dog?
And why are they keeping Mannion out of it? This is-this is government business!
(Phil suddenly realizes that Adam and Fergus are working on a policy behind Peter's back. Phil runs to Fergus's office.)
Right, that's enough. Stop, stop, stop! I demand an explanation.
Sorry, Phil, we're busy. Maybe come back in, I don't know, 2017?
As Peter's representative, it's as though you lied to him. That's not good, probably illegal.
If you want to see something probably illegal, pass me that fucking stapler over there!
Tara
Er, listen, is there a problem with me being here?
Yes, you're not supposed to be here, the minister is unaware that you're here, so I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
Oh right, so she's a security risk? Oh no no no! I'd forgotten: you're not allowed within 50 feet of most women.
How do you explain this, then? (waves his arm in and out of Adam's personal space) I'm within 50 feet of you. Hahaha. You're a woman.
Oh, brilliant. That is really good.
(They stop bickering when they hear Glenn)
(offscreen) FUCK! TICKLE'S DEAD!
(Phil, Fergus and Adam run to the TV, where Glenn is watching BBC News)
Oh God, he's killed himself, suicide. He used a car exhaust.
Hey, classic: the Bohemian Rhapsody of suicide.
Oh, Phil, for fuck's sake!
(Fergus and Adam FINALLY come back to see Tara to tell her the good news about launching the bank.)
Great stuff, Tara. We're gonna go ahead with the bank.
Tara
(surprised) Don't you need to talk to the Treasury?
Tara
Okay, Well, um, let's talk details. When it comes to interest rates, obviously you've got...
(jokingly) Well, hey, you know, don't talk us out of it. You don't wanna do that.
Tara
(smiling) So, is-is this the green light?
Tara
Oh my God!
(An overjoyed Tara gives both Fergus and Adam a hug, much to their surprise!)
Tara
We'll be in touch!
FAFergus & Adam
Thank you.
Tara
Thank you.
(to Tara, walking her to the elevator) Lovely to meet you, great.
(Phil is wondering what policy Fergus, Adam, and Tara have just launched...)
What have we just green-lit?
Well, we are starting a community bank with £2 billion.
Right, is that the £2 billion we keep in the biscuit tin?
This is just great. This is just fucking great. I hang around this moral abattoir to do something exactly like this and you shut me out?
So, I'm spending my bank holiday founding a bank? I thought the point about bank holidays is that they're supposed to be shut.
(Fergus is still talking to Tara while walking her to the elevator. They're still excited about the bank.)
You know, when we see something we like, we just buy it.
Tara
Oh, wow.
That's the way we work round here.
Tara
I hope the Tickel, um...situation is all okay.
Tara
Thank you.
Great. Lovely to meet you.
Tara
See you soon.
(As soon as the elevator Tara's traveling in closes, Fergus runs back to the offices and takes charge of the situation.)
Right! I'm in fucking charge! And I'm going Nordic drama! (to Adam) Adam, secure the economist. (to Phil) You, get Stewart and Mannion back here STAT!
Brilliant. Got that, guys? Yeah? Okay?
(calling out to Fergus) Sure. I'll-I'll do it your way for now, Fergus, but, uh, they left me in charge for a reason.
I bet you line up all your action figures on the edge of your bath, don't you?
1: I've got a shower. And 2: They're still in the boxes.
The Thick Of It · 395 quotes
