(at Peter's office door) Ah, Peter. I'm expecting great things!
PeterThen you're an idiot.
Laters, legislators. (leaves)
Peter (looking at Fergus's policy): The only way this policy launch could be worse is if I understood the bloody thing.
Glenn (walking in with a file which he dumps on Phil): Right, I'm gonna put the old tea-cauldron on! Anybody fancy a brew?
(They all ignore him. During Emma's line, he gives up and leaves.)
Peter, risk of sounding like your mum: time for school. You need to get to this meeting.
Peter
I hate schoolchildren, they're volatile and stupid and they haven't got the vote. Might as well be talking to fucking geese.
Well, you know the school's only 10 minutes from your house. You could pop round for a late lunch.
Peter
Not much of a celebration. "Hello, darling, make me a Cup-a-Soup." Oh, now, I need a thoughtful, very personal present for Tina. Any ideas?
Erm, what about a sexy undergarment?
Peter
(disappointed in Phil's suggestion) No.
Perfume. What perfume does she wear?
Peter
No idea. Expensive, smells a bit of lemons.
Peter, before you go, I-I do really need a comment, I'm sorry, on this Tickel protest, please.
Peter
OK: 'As we enter the third week, I find Mr. Tickle's attention-seeking tent-based twattery even more annoying than weeks one and two.'
Peter
Really? Oh then by implication you know what you can say, so say that instead.
(Peter, Phil, and Emma are in the car to the policy launch)
Does he understand the policy? Forgive my concern, but it's a bit like asking if a dog can grasp the concept of Norway.
(on the phone to Emma) We have a question: does he understand the – Oh, she's hung up! Ever the charmless minor royal.
Peter
And I keep a straight face, do I, when I say to a room full of frogspawn, 'Upload your future'?
You know, that sounds great! No pronunciation traps. 'Cause you know what happened to the Chancellor, don't you, at the BRITs? 'Tinny' Tempah?
Well, it could have been worse, I heard he opened his stag do speech with 'my niggaz'.
(Peter is at the school making his speech...I Call App Britain!)
Peter
Why is it that Silicon Valley is in America when we have so many net-savvy tech-heads here? They may have the silicon chip, but we have the silicon chap. And of course, chapesses. Er, and we want you to design game apps for use in the classroom.
Sorry, sorry to interrupt: erm, it's not game apps, we're actually looking for educational apps.
Peter
Er, of course. That's why I'm here to say: I call you up. App. I, I Call App Britain. Yes. And everyone will benefit, not financially, er, not cash in hand, of course: all profits will be stored as part of a digital dividend, which –
RRaj
'Scuse me, are you saying that if I wrote an app I wouldn't get any money for it? I would be working for free?
Peter
If you don't mind we'll keep the Q&A to the end. What I wanted to emphasise –
CCharlotte
Sorry, er, why can't you just answer him now?
CCharlotte
Well, the other lady was allowed to interrupt.
Peter
Yes, but she's my lady. (everyone laughs except Emma) Er, what was your question again?
RRaj
Why won't we profit from this?
Peter
Oh, but you would! Er, maybe I didn't explain it properly. What's your name?
Peter
I'm sorry?
Peter
Well, er, Rajesh Raj – (the students laugh) Oh, right. (chuckles) Well, er, what I, what I wanted to say is that, that you would, er, profit, that any profits you made would be offset against tuition fees –
CCharlotte
Sorry, we don't believe in tuition fees.
Peter
Well, erm, what's your –
Peter
Oh, well, that's an easier one.
(to Phil) Fuck me, I feel like I've just been pushed out of a plane.
RRaj
I make apps. I sell them through Apple and I get paid for it.
Peter
Good for you, Ra– er, good for you, but with us, you let us license it as part of the Networked Nation policy. We all put in, you see –
RRaj
What do you put into the Networked Nation?
Peter
Well, er, I am – a Minister.
RRaj
But what do you actually do?
Peter
I take the, the – science that, that you made earlier, and I – apply it, in – scenarios that are – cost-effective.
Peter
Well at least I got 'I Call App Britain' right.
Thankfully with only a modicum of the contempt you used just now.
'Hooray, you got the title right! Let's get the driver to do some victory doughnuts.' You're gonna have to issue an apology, you know.
Peter
I'm not going back there and saying, 'Oh, that moment when I mistook an abbreviation of your name for your surname: sorry.' I'll look completely mental.
You can't apologise for a fart you did a day ago.
No, you're gonna have to apologise for the follow-up as well. 'Charlotte, that's an easier name.'
Peter
But it is! That's a fact, not a judgement!
(And now, Peter finds himself being confronted by a big crowd of reporters and journalists -- outside his own home!)
FRFemale Reporter #1
Minister, why are you at home in the middle of a working day?
Peter
Um, it's-it's my 30th anniversary and I popped home for lunch after the Silicon Playgrounds launch, which is literally around the corner, and I'll be staying late to make up for it.
FRFemale Reporter #1
Are you turning schools into teenage sweatshops?
Peter
I-I'm sorry if this is proving a complex idea. Pupils will receive a digital dividend towards their higher education fees.
FRFemale Reporter #2
The dividend is optional, though, you can get cash instead?
Peter
No, you can't, I'm sorry...
FRFemale Reporter #2
You can according to your Junior Minister.
Peter
I see.
MRMale Reporter
Minister, do you think you came across this morning as a "fibre-optic Fagan?"
Peter
That's a ridiculous phrase.
MRMale Reporter
Well, that, again, is a quote from your Junior Minister.
(Peter's socially embarrassing predicament continues...)
FRFemale Reporter #1
Minister, is, um, that a bottle of champagne?
MRMale Reporter
Drinking on the job, minister?
Peter
It's a half bottle. Um, as I said, it is my anniversary and I have just recycled it. Er, thank you. Bye.
(Peter gets into his car.)
Peter
(to his driver) Run those fuckers over. Fifty quid for every one you maim.
Peter
(shouting at Fergus on his return to DoSAC) Thanks a fucking bunch, mate! I couldn't have looked more of a twat, unless I'd announced it dressed as a mermaid with scallops on my tits!
Look, I'm angry, too, Peter. I spent a lot of time on that policy that you just raped in a ditch.
Peter
Well, it was your stupid idea in the first place.
What are your ideas, Peter? Come on, we'd all love to hear them! A public information film on the best wine to have with fish? A butler on every street corner?
Peter
This is a long game, Fergus. And I've been around a lot longer than you, Fergus, and I'll still be here when they rip your name off your door and turn your office back into something useful, like a spare toilet!
(Stewart, from out of nowhere, enters the fight.)
BOTH OF YOU DESIST! You have caused me to raise my voice and I do not like it. I reserve this level of anger for when I'm flying Ryanair. Peter's Palace! NOW!
(to Peter) Drinking champagne in the middle of the day during a recession. Who do you think you are, P. Diddy?
Peter
It was a half-bottle, on my thirtieth anniversary, and I was recycling it; at least give me credit for that!
Oh right, no, sorry Peter, yeah, I take it all back. About as strong a defence as 'the fertiliser in my homemade bomb was organic.' What have you got planned for this evening, dancing girls on a yacht?
Peter
Garage, car, hosepipe.
Oh, good, the anniversary present your wife's been dreaming of. (to Fergus) And Fergus, what about you?
Well, I'm launching Silicon Playgrounds, properly this time, tonight at a learning centre.
Yeah, something you didn't clear through me. According to Terri Coverley, you announced this before Peter took his daily "gaffe dump." What was the word I used this morning?
Peter
Oh, you used a lot of words this morning, it was like a fucking Will Self lecture.
What was the word I used?
BOOM! So you will go to the learning centre where you will re-explain Silicon Playgrounds with Peter, who will make an abject grovelling apology for being both a digi-tard and an elderly racist!
So first you take the policy away from me for Peter to screw up, then you take salvaging the policy away from me for Peter to screw up! Good, yeah, that's just great!
Peter
I'm bored of this! I'm going for a Twix! (leaves)
Peter
(storming out of his office) She's NOT on the FUCKING LIST! (enters Fergus's office) Will you please tell me why Terri Coverley is not on this list?
Sorry Peter, she's too expensive to get rid of.
Peter
Oh Christ, Fergus, we both know she's a fart in a frock and I want her wafted out of here.
(smiling) My hands are tied.
Peter
Fuck you! You're not getting in MY car tonight! (leaves)
What a very principled stand you're taking.
Yep, but did you see how stressed Mannion was there? Soon he'll be so weak and disorientated he'll stagger off in the night like a tramp who's stood up too quickly.
(deleted scene)
Right, I'd better get on. Sometimes I think I never stop working.
The staff cuts. What do you know?
Ah, I see, that's what this whole chat's been about, has it, mental pickpocketing?
You see, you don't need to tell me: I'll just list off a few names. You do that girly flicky thing with your hair, OK?
Was that it, was that code? Am I going?
No, I'm telling you to fuck off.
(deleted scene)
RRaj
What do you actually do?
(quiet laughter from the students)
Peter
I am the, er, Secretary of State for Social Affairs a-and Citizenship.
It's a bit like being the Lord Commander of the Night's Watch? Er, you watch Game of Thrones, yeah?
(the students laugh)
TTeacher
Hey, quiet now – quiet! Raj, that language is unacceptable, OK?
Peter
I'll say, you – you wouldn't use that kind of language in front of your extended family.
Students (shocked): Oh!
Oh my good God, I cannot believe childbirth is more painful than this.
(Peter, Emma and Stewart are in the car, on the way to Thought Camp...and ALL 3 of them are on their cell phones. Stewart is talking to a Minister, Emma is talking to Phil, and Peter is talking to his wife. )
Peter
I was picked up at seven, of course I haven't walked the dog. I barely had time to take myself for a shit.
Phil, I'm sure you're suffering from "Peter Withdrawal" symptoms, but I really, really need you to keep an eye of the Tickel issue.
Thought Camp ETA 13 minutes, okay? You're taking the bridge, Kieran.
Okay, well, you can start by not referring to him as Gyppo. Or Gypsy, Phil. It's not, it's not the abbreviation that's the problem.
Peter
If he has a thorn in his paw, it must be from when you took him for a walk yesterday.
What do you mean, "You're in charge?" You are not in fucking charge, you doughnut!
Of course you're gonna keep me informed, I want the full crunch on all the feeds, as usual. Everything below the equator.
Peter
Take him to the dog hospital. (Peter's wife thinks he's being sarcastic.) No, I'm not being sarcastic! There is one!
Try and keep an eye on things, all right?
Peter
The number will be in the folder. The folder. What? (Peter sighs as he realizes he has lost the connection.)
(Now, all 3 members of Team Mannion are off their cell phones.)
Peter
Where are you taking us, Stewart? This Mind Kampf is in the middle of nowhere.
Thought Camp, Peter, and isolation is the mother of renewal. We shall retreat to go forwards.
Terrible signal! Phil sounded like he was phoning in a report on an African coup.
Why's he even gone in today?
Peter
I put him on Tickel oversight.
Peter
Well, cutting the guy ropes on his tent is hardly the Siege of Troy.
Bailiffs thought it would be easier today, quicker or quieter.
Yeah, but I want Phil sealed off, right? He makes no statement today, not even off the record.
Peter
He wanted to feel useful.
Then he should sell his organs.
OK people, I'd like to start this session with a question: when is a party not a party?
Peter
When it's at your house?
(quiet laughter)
Emma (quietly, annoyed): Peter!
A party is not a party when it is plural. (brings up a slide of a woman on her phone in a crowd) There she is, the party, singular: she thinks like you, she votes like you, she is not you, and yet of course, she is you.
Peter (to himself, sighing): I feel like I've joined the Scientologists.
Some of these people want a federal Britain, others don't. And as long as we continue to do nothing, we can call that "consensus."
Peter
(to Emma) Why am I the only senior minister here? Is JB punishing me?
Look, Mary Drake's here, Home Office.
(Peter and Emma nod hello to Mary.)
(to Peter) And yes, JB is punishing you.
OK, let's McIntyre this: stand up. Let's find out, in fact, chairs to the side, please.
Peter
Great, vague prancing about.
MDMary Drake
Isn't that one of the fundamental principles of democracy?
(to Peter) Oh, I'm sorry, Peter, you want to share your thoughts?
Peter
Hmm? No, we just hoped we were going to do some dancing, er, Stewart. What, Merce Cunningham, something like that?
Okay, maybe later you can share it with us. But first of all, let me share something with you. How about this, Silicon Playgrounds, yeah? What caused this slow-motion pile up? Shall we sit down and chew over "hash-tag epic fail?" Or shall we try and get some solutions on their feet? That's it, just put it at the side, Peter.
(Meanwhile, at Thought Camp, Peter is playing a "mind game." He has a Post-It note stuck to his head with a political issue written on it, and he has to guess what it is. He needs Mary Drake's help.)
Peter
Would I be comfortable or uncomfortable...
Yes or no questions only, please, Peter.
Peter
Would I be uncomfortable talking to Andrew Marr about this concept on the television?
Peter
Am I Diversity?
You're out of questions, Peter.
(Peter finally takes the Post-It note off his head -- and then gets REALLY upset.)
Peter
Oh, for fuck's sake! Inclusivity's practically the same as Diversity!
Peter
I could be at home watching the snooker with a bottle of unpronounceable scotch. Can I sit down now? (Peter sits down) I'm sitting down, I don't care.
Actually, we can all sit down now. Thanks, Peter. Um, so take a chair 'cause Emma's going to co-steer module four with me. We're gonna do a kind of Top Trumps stats check on the PM's future enemies, yeah? Strengths, weaknesses, blocking moves and take-downs. Em.
Great. Thank you, Stewart.
Peter
(to Emma) You've turned into the wrong Mitford sister.
Do you want to have an "ideagasm?"
(very much turned on) Yes, please.
Ask me how we'd initially fund this.
FAFergus & Adam
How would we initially fund this?
A one-off Robin Hood tax. Steal from the fat cats, raise enough seed capital for hundreds of start-up funds for fledgling businesses.
You know what? This could work really well for us. This, this is, yeah.
I mean, let's just talk, uh, figures. What sort of start-up capital are we talking here?
Not very much. I think we're looking at about £2 billion.
Good. Well, um...I mean, obviously, I'd have to ring the Treasury.
And twist a few arms. You know, it'll take a couple of weeks to work up, but we are extremely keen to set that process in motion.
(Stewart and his team are discussing potential new Leaders of the Opposition at Thought Camp.)
OK, let's architecturalise this, yeah?
Peter
Oh, don't bother. If it's Ben Swain, we all shout Sweaty Swain as he dehydrates himself through PMQs. Holhurst looks like a shepherd dressed up to meet the Queen, and if it's Dan Miller we're fucked.
I should tell you I do also have a meeting with Dan Miller booked in.
(suddenly concerned) What? I would just knock that right on the head. Don't -- don't do it.
Well... (awkward laughter from all 3 people) He's in opposition. We rule.
We're the rulers, we're the governors.
And, you know, in the end...this is so fucking us.
FPFemale party worker
Free apples! [throws ball]
MPMale party worker
Uh, free coffins. [throws ball]
Peter
Reduce the deficit with spending cuts.
EEEveryone except Stewart
Yes and ho!
Peter, Peter, I want to hear new ideas ricocheting off your synapses like a pinball, not just a two year old slogan.
Peter
Okay, Doctor Jazz, let's hear it. [throws ball]
We do away with computers.
EEEveryone except Peter
Yes and h-
Peter
You idiot! That's fucking mental!
No blocking, Peter, only counterpoint. Do away with computers, what do we think? How will it affect us? Good idea? Bad idea?
Peter
Good idea for me, I wouldn't get anymore of your fucking emails. [Peter gets up]
Try and stay cross-legged if you can, but don't break the circle...
Peter
I'm 54, Stewart. My knees are fucked and my patience is snapped. Some of us had to go through this hippie shit the first time around.
I'm not talking about trying to sell it to the electorate, Peter. I'm talking about exploring it within the free space of the circle.
Peter
Okay, give me the ball. Give me the ball! Give me the ball. (Peter tries to wrestle the ball away from Stewart)
Peter
Give me... give me the FUCKING ball, Stewart! [grabs the ball] Let's do away with you.
Peter
Filter's off, Daddy-o! Let it all hang out! Just suppose your free-range no-consequence bullshit was hugely entertaining when we were in opposition and shitting money, but now we're in government and it's all gone a bit J.G. Ballard, it's irrelevant and infantile!
Peter
Oh, and maybe the reason you don't mind handing your phone in is that it doesn't ring as much as it used to. Oh, sorry; doesn't ring as much as it used to, yes and ho.Glenn: Want the opinion of an old lag? Mannion will have to go.
Stick to 'policemen are getting younger', Glenn. Peter's going nowhere, and I don't mean that in a Glenn's career kind of way.
I've seen a lot of people resign, and they're always happier afterwards.
You're thinking of lobotomies. Peter resigns over my dead body.
Yes. Yes, that would be the ideal scenario.
The Thick Of It · 395 quotes
