Scenes with Nicola Murray 68
(Meanwhile, Nicola, Glenn, Terri and Ollie are still getting over Malcolm being on holiday.)
NicolaHe's really on holiday?
Malcolm hasn't been on holiday for 10 years.
Malcolm's got to keep moving or he's dead. He's like a shark of Bob Dylan.
Well, who's driving the bus?
(Steve Fleming enters the office and starts greeting the staff.)
SFSteve Fleming
Morning! Morning, DoSAC.
Nicola
Bollocky bollocks. It's the Ghost of Christmas Shit.
There's your answer, Terri: that's the man driving the bus, that's Reg bloody Varney. All stops to electoral oblivion, ding ding.
Nicola
Get in my office, come on. It'll buy us a bit of time.
(They all do so, as Steve continues to move towards them.)
I've never seen Steve Fleming in the flesh.
Nicola
You're lucky.
For a man who brought us back into power, he's not very imposing, is he? He's like a Lego policeman.
Nicola
Look at him. Super Mario.
(Steve joyfully enters Nicola's office with cups of coffee for her and her team.)
Nicola
Steve Fleming!
(Nicola and Steve shake hands, BUT...)
Nicola
Hello. Oh! Okay...
(At Steve's insistence, he gives Nicola a HUG! Fun for Steve...but not so much for Nicola.)
Nicola
Hi.
You look like you've lost some weight.
Nicola
(surprised) Do I?
Nicola
I don't think so, but...
(very pleased) Oh, I think so, yes. No, your face looks quite gaunt. Muscly.
Nicola
Does it now?
Anyway, I come bearing caffeinated gifts.
(Steve presents the cups of coffee, and the team is appreciative of his gesture. Then, Steve gets down to business.)
I'm gonna cut to the chase. I need you to publish...all the crime stats since 2004 as an accompaniment to our Transparent Government launch. From 2004 up to the last quarter.
Nicola
Okay, we are just about to launch, um, Healthy Choices. With Andy Murray.
Andy Murray! Whoa! (Steve mimes a tennis volley.) Ace!
(to Nicola) We'll make a Minister of you yet.
Nicola
I mean, after that, we can try and get you something for, say, end of the week?
After? Why after? Why not right alongside? Or, here's a thought...Before.
Nicola
Because we're under-resourced and it's not a priority.
The PM thinks it is a priority. It can be done. (beat) Oh, I seem to have reached the end of my argument.
Nicola
Okay. Well, look, um, why don't we say Thursday lunchtime. Okay?
Well, you've got Fran's leaving lunch on Thursday.
Nicola
I have got a lunch. Thursday afternoon.
(still smiling) Yes, I don't give a fuck about Fran's leaving lunch. I'm saying Now now now now now now now now. Now!
Nicola
Okay. Chillax. We're on the case, Steve.
Lovely. Thank you very much.
Nicola
Good. Okay. Well, it's a delight to see you again.
Nicola
Oh, I get another one.
(Another awkward hug between Steve and Nicola.)
Nicola
(jokingly) Mind my gaunt face.
(to the whole team) Bye-bye.
(After their first meeting with Steve Fleming...)
What do you call that? Obsessive Repulsive Disorder, I would say.
Nicola
I'm gonna ring Malcolm. Holiday or no holiday, I'm gonna ring Malcolm about this.
(impersonating Steve) 'Caffeinated gifts!'
Malcolm never brought us coffee. I like him.
Yes, well you like bath salts, you're basically an idiot.
(Nicola's getting a phone call from a certain someone...)
Nicola, it's your nephew on the phone.
Nicola
What?
Your nephew. Andy Murray.
Nicola
(Very excited) Fuck! On the line, now? OH, MY GOD! It's Andy Murray on the line! What line?
Nicola
He's not there, Terri! Fuck's sake!
Nicola
God, it drives me insane! Is he there now?
Yeah, yeah. Hang on, let me just get him off hold.
Nicola
It really pisses me off! The fucking phones in this whole -- Andy! Hello! It's Nicola Murray, yes! What a delight to talk to you!
(While NICOLA Murray's chatting on the phone with ANDY Murray, Ollie gets a call on his cell phone from Malcolm.)
Oh, good. We are literally confirming him as we speak.
Ditch him. We can't go with celebrities. Right? It's just gonna look bad.
We're gonna look desperate, all right?
Well, uh...Steve Fleming likes the idea.
Never mind what Mummy says. Just do what Daddy says, right?
Yeah, whilst you're on, um, just, um...there's another thing. Uh, Mummy has asked us to publish the crime stats as part of the Transparent Government initiative. Is that all right with Daddy?
Really? Because, um, Nicola's got that baffled, panicky look like a child on the ghost train.
Give me a second while I look up my little file of things I really don't give a fuck about. And here we have under the letter N, we've got "nail-bombing golf clubs," there is, uh, the National Trust, there is Newcastle...Nicola Murray. Yes. She's still there. So fucking can Andy Murray and just get on with the fucking crime stats.
Nicola
(still on the phone with Andy) I'll make sure Kate liaises with my press whiz kid, uh, Terri Coverley. She's a woman. But listen, if there is anything else we can do for you, please don't hesitate to call. Dare I say it, we are here to serve, (laughing) if you'll excuse the pun. All right, Andy. Take care. Bye.
(But now, Ollie has to give Nicola the bad news...)
Malcolm says we have to drop him.
Nicola
(in disbelief) What?
Andy. He's not in, he's now out. Apparently, according to Malcolm, sent to bed without any barley water.
Nicola
I mean, he's a fucking tennis player! We're not asking Shane MacGowan! Why?
It's nothing personal. He just said bringing in celebrities looks desperate. He said it's the sign of a dying government.
Nicola
We are a dying government! Our hair's falling out, and we're coughing up blood, and our kids are asking us to change the will!
Look, he was quite clear about this. He said just, you know, kill it. Kitten, breeze block, sack, canal.
Nicola
Oh, I can imagine him being clear about it. Right. We've gotta get on to -- (to Terri) You've gotta get on to...
Nicola
...Andy Murray's people and find a polite way of saying, "Piss off, Andy. Apparently, you're too well-known to front our public awareness campaign."
(But Glenn has some GOOD news on the crime stats.)
Right! Good news is I have done all that pile and that's in the system.
(stretching his back) Oh, fuck me!
(But then, Glenn sees a trolley-full of more crime stats headed his way!)
It appears to be a trolley-full of crime stats.
"Vandalism?" "Bicycle theft?" Oh, this is ridiculous!
(And just when he says THAT, Glenn kicks open a box of crime stats!)
Well, that's given us an unexpected head start, well done. I would kill you but I'd have to add you to the fucking figures.
Nicola
(to Terri) Okay. Think about what you're gonna say.
Yeah. Okay, I've done that.
Nicola
What? Already? Is that enough time?
(on the phone) Kate. Hello. Uh, Terri Coverley. Yes. Yeah, we're thrilled about Andy being on board.
Nicola
(whispering to Terri) Get on with it.
(stammering) No. I'm not actually saying that it's...
(Nicola then sees Steve Fleming entering the room. Again.)
Nicola
(still whispering) Shit! End the call. End the call. It's Mustache Sally. Fleming! Steve Fleming's here! Put the phone down!
(to Nicola) Ah, Nicola Murray! How are the crime stats coming along?
Nicola
It's not easy, Steve, as you can see. But Glenn and Ollie are on top of it.
"Other theft?" What the fuck is other theft?
I don't know what other theft is.
If you want to stay late, or pull an all-nighter, if you think it'd help –
You want us to work all through the night on this?
It would be very much appreciated upstairs.
Hah, well: I'm an atheist.
(laughs) By the Prime Minister. I did get the joke, by the way.
Nicola
Hello, Terri.
Nicola
Who am I, Terri?
You're Nicola? Nicola Murray?
(Nicola nods her head "Yes.")
Ah. Secretary of State for...
Nicola
That's right. I'm Secretary of State. So why has a sports personality launched my policy on his fucking website?
Ah! No, I know. I know exactly why that is.
Nicola
You didn't make the phone call, did you?
Nicola, um, in other really bad news -- Good morning, by the way.
(on the phone) This is about the crime stats, yeah?
Yeah, some of the crime stats that we published, as it turns out, were unverified and not ready for being in the public domain. Uh, Marianne Swift from The Mail...
Nicola
Oh, Swine-Face Swift.
That's the one. She noticed, uh, a drop in the figures for aggravated burglary in the last quarter. Whereas when she checked it out...
Nicola
There was no drop.
Nicola
Right. So Swine-Face Swift and her piggy hack-hog colleagues...
Exactly. So we're getting a lot of, uh, oinking on the phones. So basically what that means is that the department -- well, essentially the royal you, um, seem to have massaged the crime figures.
Nicola
Great. Thank you, Steve fucking "Ew, Nicola!" Fleming!
Yup. He is a fucking...ninny, isn't he?
Nicola
Bring my dispatch boxes.
(And now, Steve & Malcolm are confronting Nicola in her office...much to Nicola's dismay...)
Nicola, you and your department have screwed up!
(entering) I'd like to agree with the previous speaker, only adding the words 'fucking royally'.
Nicola
Oh Jesus, am I being gang-bollocked?
Andy Murray's Henman-fisting us in the press. We can't have that –
Well, with undue respect, Malcolm, the crime stats cock-up is a much bigger deal.
Nicola
This is such a great double act, isn't it? Good Cock, Bad Cock!
I'll tell you what, why don't you go first, mate? I need a wazz.
(While Malcolm leaves to go to the bathroom, Steve continues scolding Nicola.)
I like you, Nicola, I quite like you. But darling, I've gotta ask you, what the bloody hell happened?
Nicola
Like you asked, we published the crime figures from 2004 up to the last quarter.
Yes, up to the last quarter but not up to and INCLUDING the last quarter, you dozy mare!
Nicola
'Up to' includes the thing you're going up to. Right? If you say count up to 20, it means count up to and include the number 20!
The events leading up to the Second World War do not include the Second World War!
Nicola
We haven't got time for a semantic argument about this.
(Malcolm returns from the bathroom.)
Nicola
Do not fucking call me sweetheart!
I think you'll find that Steve was addressing me: the 'tache is a bit of a giveaway.
I will draft a statement.
You fucking will not draft any fucking statement!
I've been minding the shop!
You were fucking minding the shop, and what happened? A bunch of fucking schoolkids came in and fucking dropped their trousers and fucking had a shit in aisle 5!
Well thank you for giving us a guided tour around the Freudian nightmare of your head!
Nicola
Could you two decide between you in which order, and from which direction, I'm gonna be shafted?
(Malcolm and Steve are playing a "Tug of War" of sorts for Nicola's attention.)
(to Nicola) Ignore him. Just come with me. Come into my office.
(to Malcolm) Let's deal with the crime stats...
(But Malcolm successfully brings Nicola into his "office..." and shuts Steve out.)
(knocking on the door) Come on. Malcolm. Malcolm. MALCOLM! (Steve starts laughing uncomfortably) Sorry about this, everybody.
(Malcolm is happy to shut out Steve, but he's still visibly annoyed.)
Goodbye. Give my regards to the rest of the fucking Village People.
(But then, Terri knocks on the office door.)
(outside the door) Sorry, Nicola, Mal--um, excuse me. It's Andy Murray. He's-he's insisting on talking to you.
Nicola
What?
Get him back on board. Fucking talk to him.
Nicola
NO!
Nicola
You cannot be serious!
Was that an attempt at a joke?
Nicola
You told me to kill it! I've killed it!
Right now, some photos in the papers of a very boring man with tight white shorts on is gonna be a very pleasant distraction from Steve's fucking crime stats abortion.
Nicola
If we need a fucking celebrity, can we try somebody else? Steve Redgrave.
Nicola
Lewis Hamilton.
Fucking boring, boring fuck. And fucking drives a car.
Nicola
Chris Boardman.
Fucking cyclist! Are you fucking mental? Everybody hates cyclists! Even fucking cyclists hate fucking cyclists! Plus, he's a boring fuck!
Nicola
I cannot...
(still outside the office) Paula Radcliffe?
Nicola
No, she shat in the street!
And she's a boring fuck as well.
Nicola
How about we just launch the policy without a celebrity?
(sarcastically) Oh, great idea. "Hello, there. Hi, everyone. I, Nicola Murray, would like to say to you that even though you don't fucking know me from fucking Adam, I think you should cut down on carbs."
(Malcolm sees Nicola outside his office.)
Nicola
(sighing) Still here, then, Malcolm?
Time for a milky drink? Come on. Come on in. I wanna have a word with you.
(Nicola reluctantly comes into Malcolm's office...)
There you go. How was Cabinet? Was it good? Is Tom looking after you?
Nicola
You're all over the newspapers like a pissing puppy, Malcolm.
Well, I think you'll find that's what we masters of the dark arts call a blip. Tomorrow that will all be old news. It'll be like the fucking War of the Roses. Or AIDS. Remember AIDS? Listen, Nicola, see that? Did Julius mention to you about his inquiry?
Nicola
Yeah.
The inquiry into the whole fucking crime stats cock-up?
Nicola
Yeah.
You know the phone call that came through to me from your office? You know, about the whole idea?
Nicola
Yeah, yeah.
Nicola
You want me to cover your back?
I want you to get the old inquiry screen out and slap it on, fucking factor 50, why not? Listen, I'll tell you what. This is what I'll do. I will get for you some really good press attention for your fucking Healthy Choices nonsense. How about that? I'll get you some big fucking healthy headlines.
Nicola
You're in no position to give me anything. You're not -- you can't even get a fucking bagel cleaned up off your door. Do you mind?
(Nicola gets ready to leave Malcolm's office, but he's still trying to talk to her.)
What? Do you think I can't get it up anymore? Is that it? You're looking at fucking Lazarus, sweetheart. And not just plain Lazarus. I'm fucking self-raising Lazarus, right?
(A short time later, Malcolm spots Julius again.)
Oh, there he is. Screaming Lord Crutch. I like the flunkies, by the way. That's a very nice touch. It's a wee bit Graham Norton.
Don't needle me, Malcolm. Not when people are under scrutiny.
I'm fucking Nosferatu. That's really fucking scary.
(unimpressed) I'm walking on. We're moving on. I'm Ian Botham. I'm walking on for hospice care.
(And then, Malcolm sees Nicola...and he sneaks over to her when nobody's looking.)
How's it going with Lord Bonnie Longford?
Nicola
I've not been in yet. I've just been standing here for 20 minutes.
So IF this phone call does come up...
Julius (Seeing what Malcolm's up to) No! No, that's not...
Nicola
You're nothing if not persistent, are you, Malcolm?
(Julius breaks up the conversation.)
Don't do that! I made it quite clear...
(to Julius) I was standing over there and I thought, "Nicola's choking." But she wasn't. She was laughing, retrospectively, at your massive shiny head. (to Steve) Oh, what happened? Did you get heckled off? What was the line? "Taxi for Tom Selleck!"
Yeah. Could I have a quick word? Just...just five minutes.
(Steve takes Malcolm into the office to have a private chat.)
Yeah, you know, a bit of instability with Malcolm gone, a sort of sense of Post – you know, Psychotic Twats Disorder, but –
No no, listen, I understand, but you know, right now, you're all emerging from the cellar – pleased that the beatings have stopped - scared of what the future might hold, but long-term, I think we're all gonna be okay. Pep talk, over! Return to your desks, and prepare for government.
(smiling, but clearly annoyed) Well then, prepare to stay in government.
Oh right. How do we do that?
We pack an overnight bag.
(apoplectic) Will you PLEASE, FUCKING WELL – (Steve immediately composes himself, and lets out a forced laugh) I'm sorry, I've lost my temper! Where is it? Where is it? Oh, no, I've found it again. It's alright.
Always in the last place you look, eh?
Nicola
(to Steve) So, can I...?
Nicola
Great.
Uh, actually, can I have a word with you, Nicky, please?
Nicola
Yeah. Nicola.
(Steve wants to talk to Nicola in her office about the upcoming election...and he's standing a bit too close for her comfort.)
I just wanted to check. Obviously, Dan Miller's cabal is going house to house through the cabinet looking for numbskulls stupid enough to resign to trigger his elevation to the throne.
Nicola
(nodding) Obviously.
What I need to know is are you solid?
Nicola
Yeah, I am completely -- I am solid as, as the proverbial. As-as a rock. As a rock-hard...as a sailor's wang on shore leave.
(very pleased) Superb. You really are the potty mouth, aren't you?
Nicola
(chuckling) Well, a lot to do.
(After Steve leaves her office, Nicola calls out to Glenn & Ollie.)
Nicola
Ollie, Glenn, in here now. Quick, quick, quick.
(Glenn approaches the office while taking off his glasses.)
Nicola
Oh Glenn! Don't faff around with your glasses, I know you take them off every time you come in here. It's not impressive. (to Glenn and Ollie) What do we know about the anti-Tom cabal? Why have I not been contacted by them?
Because it would be you...uh, you're seen very much as an individual around the, uh...
Nicola
(embarrassed) That's bollocks, isn't it? It's 'cause I'm the girl at the party nobody wants to dance with. I'm the freak in the corner with a pint of cider and blackcurrant and the funny eye.
No no. I-I mean, it's...You know, it a big, big Rolodex full of numbers. I'm sure...
Nicola
(to both Glenn & Ollie) Thank you. You may go.
(stammering) We st-We still would like to dance with you.
Nicola
(to Glenn) Oh, fuck off. Go and put your glasses back on.
Nicola
Hello. You all right? You've got that 'cock in the cookie jar' look.
Nicola
Who? Barrymore?
Nicola
Clement Attlee? (realises) Oh fuck!
Nicola
Malcolm.
Nicola
Oh, no. God, he's gonna kill me. I was there when he was being sacked and he asked me for help, and I held out and now he's gonna want revenge isn't he? Fuck, fuck, fuck, it's gonna be like 'Kill Bill' or 'Get Carter', only it's gonna be 'Get and kill Nicola and then get Carter and Bill to fucking kill her too'!
(Nicola is confronting Malcolm head-on.)
Nicola
Malcolm.
Hey Nicola! How are you doing?
Nicola
You're back.
Yeah I'm just, you know, tying up a few loose ends.
Nicola
With which you're going to plait some kind of garotte and strangle me.
Forgive and forget. That's my motto.
Nicola
I thought your motto was 'Who fucks wins' or 'Honi soit qui Malc y fuck'.
I've got a lot of mottos. Don't take that job, Nicola.
Nicola
God, Malcolm –
The anti-Tom brigade are just waiting for the first piece to fall. If you resign, it's political fucking Jenga. You will cause a landslide that will bury this Government. And you'll keep the party in opposition until Daniel Radcliffe is advertising walk-in baths in the fucking People's Friend.
The Thick Of It · 395 quotes
