(And now, Steve & Malcolm are confronting Nicola in her office...much to Nicola's dismay...)
Nicola, you and your department have screwed up!
(entering) I'd like to agree with the previous speaker, only adding the words 'fucking royally'.
Oh Jesus, am I being gang-bollocked?
Andy Murray's Henman-fisting us in the press. We can't have that –
Well, with undue respect, Malcolm, the crime stats cock-up is a much bigger deal.
This is such a great double act, isn't it? Good Cock, Bad Cock!
I'll tell you what, why don't you go first, mate? I need a wazz.
(While Malcolm leaves to go to the bathroom, Steve continues scolding Nicola.)
I like you, Nicola, I quite like you. But darling, I've gotta ask you, what the bloody hell happened?
Like you asked, we published the crime figures from 2004 up to the last quarter.
Yes, up to the last quarter but not up to and INCLUDING the last quarter, you dozy mare!
'Up to' includes the thing you're going up to. Right? If you say count up to 20, it means count up to and include the number 20!
The events leading up to the Second World War do not include the Second World War!
We haven't got time for a semantic argument about this.
(Malcolm returns from the bathroom.)
Listen, sweetheart –
Do not fucking call me sweetheart!
I think you'll find that Steve was addressing me: the 'tache is a bit of a giveaway.
I will draft a statement.
You fucking will not draft any fucking statement!
I've been minding the shop!
You were fucking minding the shop, and what happened? A bunch of fucking schoolkids came in and fucking dropped their trousers and fucking had a shit in aisle 5!
Well thank you for giving us a guided tour around the Freudian nightmare of your head!
Could you two decide between you in which order, and from which direction, I'm gonna be shafted?
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