(Peter Mannion and Nicola Murray are now in the studio with Richard Bacon. Phil, Terri and Glenn are in the control room.)
RBRichard Bacon
Coming up shortly, we've got what could be a rather fiery showdown between two political heavyweights. After trading blows in the dailies, it's now time for them to meet face to face. So, it gives me great pleasure to introduce Nicola Murray...
(Richard gives Nicola a polite 'please wait' hand gesture.)
...Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship. (Richard gives Nicola the 'OK.')
Hello, again. I got it right that time. I managed to come in at the right time.
Hello, and from the shadow cabinet, the right honourable Peter Mannion MP.
Hi, Richard. Good to see you again.
(in the control room) THE MANNIONATOR!
(to Peter) Good to see you again as well. Uh, listen, guys, first of all...
Terri(to Phil) How old are you?
Either of you got any piercings? Any tattoos?
Uh, I've got an appendix scar, does that count?
Well, you know how it is. Out with a bunch of pals, got a bit tipsy, rolled into casualty, yeah. Hey, we all got it done.
Yeah! In your face, bitch!
That's very funny. Nicola Murray, any piercings?
Terri
Yes, you do.
Terri
You have got some piercings.
Uh, sorry, no piercings at all, no.
(All the while, Glenn is trying to remind Nicola about her pierced ears.)
Um, some people say that my distinguishing feature would be probably my ears, which I'm told are quite small.
But I do think we have to be a little bit careful about taking too light an approach to culturally sensitive issues, like body piercing or female circumcision...Uh, earrings! Earrings. I've got pierced ears.
(listening to Nicola on the radio) Fuck me, this is like a clown running across a minefield!
(Glenn and Terri are now out of the control room, having an impromptu talk.)
I'm really worried about Nicola. She's behaving like a squirrel trapped in a pedal bin. What I'm asking you to do is have a word with, um, Blondie, that producer. And cut Nicola some slack because she needs all the sympathy she can get.
Terri
The problem is, though, Glenn, if you say to a journalist, 'Can you avoid that topic?', that's when they really go for it. I mean, it's like saying to the school bully, 'I'll wet myself if you tickle me'.
It seems to me what I call a "political meringue." Uh...sweet but, uh, lightweight and very little substance.
(Meanwhile, in the control room...)
(clapping) He's like bloody Ustinov, isn't he?
Terri
Uh, it's just such an old joke. Can you just please get out?
(to both Phil AND Terri) Yeah. Okay, right. Can you just both fucking get out of the studio now? You and fucking Rupert Brooke, just out!
(Meanwhile, Richard Bacon continues talking to Peter.)
I know exactly what you mean. The other day, the BBC sent me on a Health & Safety away day, where they taught me how to carry a cup of coffee.
(laughing) This, this is exactly what I mean. That makes no sense. That's nonsense, and uh... and we need to say no to the nanny state, uh, "boo" to nanny, and claw back some personal responsibility in the name of common sense.
We need to...Hang on, we need to say boo to nanny?
Yeah, it's just a play on Jools Holland's Hootenanny. (stuttering) I-I, I didn't write it, it's not...
But, you know...Hey nanny no.
(Phil spots Emma in the green room. Terri is also in there.)
Hey, that was quick. Did you tell him?
Kind of. He's getting the message.
Look, I couldn't say while you were together, but I really don't know what you saw in him.
You told me all the time how much you hated him. That was one of the main reasons I went out with him so long.
Terri
(to Emma) Are you splitting up with Ollie?
Sorry, can you actually hear all right over there? I can pop into the studio and get some microphones so you can get all the details.
Terri
No, I can hear fine. Yes, no, I think that's a really good idea. I mean, for your sake. I'd back you up on that.
(pleased) What, I have your backing? Oh, fantastic. Thanks.
Hey, Emma, look, you're clearly overemotional right now. Why don't you go home, you know, drink some mojitos with your girlfriends and talk about shoes? I've got it covered here.
Yeah. Well, actually, Stewart called me in because he wanted me to SatNav Peter out of the dead end you've driven him into. So, perhaps you should piss off and read that Marie Claire you nicked off me.
(And then, Phil's cell phone rings again -- and once again, Stewart's on the other line.)
(answering his cell phone) Hi, Stewart. He's great, isn't he?
"Boo to nanny?" Phil, no one watches Jools Holland, yeah? We need to be appealing to One Show man and Holby City woman.
Just shut up, Emma. The men are talking?
Thank God! Put her on, Phil.
(Emma gets on the cell phone to talk to Stewart.)
This is the brief. Got a pen?
Yeah, hang on. (to Phil) Have you got a pen?
Yeah, you're not having it.
Terri
(to Emma) Do you need a pen?
Uh, I do, thanks. (to Stewart) Sorry, Stewart, hang on.
Why don't you have one just sellotaped to your chin, Emma? Write this down! Write on his shirt! Just write it down!
(Phil tries to take the pen from Emma, but Emma's not messing around.)
(to Emma) Are you listening to Daddy?
I want you to pull some info, right? On city bonuses, tax evasion, non-doms. Let's name and shame some fat cats! I want to hear some fact-enforced noise!
(Meanwhile, in the green room...)
(to Emma) You tell fucking Man at C&A that I'm dumped before I do, is that it?
(to Phil) What's he talking about?
(to Emma) I thought he knew.
(to Phil) Oh, you fucking twit!
Do you mind keeping it down? Some of us are trying to listen.
I can fill you in: Peter's tearing through her like a Viking at a nunnery.
If he's a Viking, he's King Cnut!
Yes, he's drowning in the party donations. You should listen!
(Phil and Emma are listening on the radio. Ollie's trying to get Emma's attention.)
(to Emma) You can't even fucking look at me!
We're trying to listen here now.
OEOllie & Emma
Shut the fuck up, Phil!
(And now, EVERYBODY'S arguing!)
(storming into the green room) OK, do you want to shut up? And if you lot don't keep this down, I'm gonna have you all ejected from the building! (points at Terri) You are the worst, my chair still smells of your perfume!
Terri
Excuse me! For the record, I have done nothing.
Yes, that will be your epitaph, Terri.
(Meanwhile, Ollie and Emma are arguing in the hallway...and Terri's sitting just inches away from them.)
Ollie, we just, we don't make any time for each other any more.
We're busy people. We work really, really hard. We work harder than Fat Pat's arteries. Of course we...
Terri
Did you used to make time for each other? I mean, I think that's the crucial question.
Okay, just for a second, Aunt Terri, fuck off!
Terri
Where am I meant to go?
Pretend you've got to go and have a shit or something.
Terri
(to Emma) You're going to be a lot better off without him.
What do you mean I'm going to be...
You're not going to be better off...
(to Ollie) Sorry, have you...Do you talk about me at work?
Oh, fuck this! This is like that nightmare I had about being on Loose Women.
(After Ollie walks away from the argument, however, he sees Glenn and Phil talking in the corner.)
(to Phil) ...that one at all. I mean, everyone knows that Schumacher is Stig.
I think that was just publicity, just to keep it going.
(to himself) Right. I'll go back to Loose Women.
(still talking to Glenn) Friend of mine thinks it's actually May, Hammond and Clarkson, purely 'cause Stig is an anagram of "gits."
(Ollie is forced to go back to Emma and Terri's corner.)
I just don't think he should be talking about me at all, let alone things that are totally private.
Terri
No, I agree, I absolutely – (sees that Ollie has returned) Then the bank bonuses are very high, aren't they?
I know you've been talking about me, Terri, because I've got this weird Derren Brown thing going on where I can see and hear things, Terri.
So, Ollie, what exactly have you been saying to them in the office about me?
I've been saying, er, you smell of fennel, you're racist –
– you torture horses, and you're in The Bangles, that's what I've been saying about you at work.
See, I think you've been sexually bragging.
Well, don't flatter yourself.
(Stewart has finally entered the room.)
(to Emma) Emma, I didn't send you here so you could chat about your sex life. I sent you here to back-block Peter's narrative, hmm? (Stewart then points to the Piercings Man.) And what's happened to Phil? I mean, don't get me wrong, I like him, but I'm not seeing him in man-made fibers.
He's just drying his...He's drying his trousers.
(Stewart's in quiet disbelief...)
(This is the opening scene of this episode.)
Morning, Ollie. How's your head? Like a bat shat in it at all?
No, I am, if anything, Glenn, I am hung-under. First DoSAC party under the new regime, you lasted 'til, I'd say, seven?
Yeah, well, I do have a life, Ollie.
Yes, but only in the way that, you know, jellyfish or athlete's foot have a life. What was it last night, then? Candlelit annivorcery dinner for one?
(Terri enters the scene carrying a large plant.)
Terri
Morning.
Hello. (Ollie's curious...) Terri, what actually are you up to? Are you still drunk?
Terri
No, I had to get in early anyway, because this BBC man's coming.
(Ollie notices that Terri's wearing trainers!)
Are you wearing trainers? You ARE wearing trainers!
Terri
Yes.
(laughing) If Signal toothpaste made trainers, that's what they'd look like.
Terri
Well, I don't see there's any...
(pointing at Terri's trainers) This-This color for healthy breath...
(Nicola enters the scene, and she's...a little hungover.)
Terri
Do please let me...
(Terri helps Nicola by taking her suitcase.)
Terri
Would you like me to take your coffee?
Oh, no. I'm clinging on to that for dear life, I tell you.
Terri
Well, it will dehydrate you.
Mojito Murray, they now call her. You know, they had to install speed bumps at the bar. She's like Gazza at Euro '96.
(Ollie mimics somebody getting drunk.)
I really love the division of labour in this place. I like the way the women do the heavy lifting and the men do the heavy sarcasm.
Terri
(to Nicola) Would you like some help with your makeup?
(The conversation shifts to Nicola's upcoming interview, regarding the launch of her Fourth Sector Initiative.)
So this interview, who's coming?
Terri
Ten O'Clock News?
Okay. Who? Nick Robinson?
Terri
Not Nick. He's away with the PM on the World Tour. No, it's um, it's Gavin.
Terri
Gavin Boyes.
Who the hell is Gavin Boyes?
Terri
Well, he's up and coming.
I'm launching the Fourth Sector Initiative. It's the centerpiece of my political career. I don't want to do it with some fucking Newsround press packer.
(looking at his computer) It says here on Google that Gavin Boyes is the state wrestling champion for West Virginia.
(to Terri) The launch tonight, Terri, how many journos have we got coming?
Terri
We've got confirmed four.
NONicola, Ollie & Glenn
(in disbelief) FOUR?
This is not something that we are ashamed of! We're not launching a new leper colony!
Terri
Okay, no problem. I'm just gonna go down and collect Gavin and his boys...
(Malcolm has to restart the conversation with Nicola and Terri in Nicola's office.)
(to Terri) Terri, I fucking e-mailed you and I told you to move it to later, because I wanted to administer a preparatory fucking verbal cosh. Right?
Terri
Well...
And there it is. (Malcolm is looking at the e-mail on his cell phone.) It didn't fuck -- It didn't fucking send!
Terri
Ah!
Terri
There you go. You just owe me an apology, that's all.
That wasn't an apology. That was a "pardon?" I'm sorry.
(to Malcolm) Why aren't you on the Tom tour, by the way?
Terri
Yeah, I heard Steve Fleming was on the tour. Hmm. Big beast.
Tiny fucking rodent, more like. He's part of the larger problem.
(to Nicola) Have you been at Number 10 lately? Jesus, it's like the break-up of the Beatles, right? During the fall of the Roman Empire, while fucking Jordan's getting divorced from that bloke. All happening at the same time in a tiny fucking terraced house, yeah? Anyway, this interview, right?
(stuttering) It-It-It's a small...
(At this moment, Terri's cell phone rings...)
Terri
(to Malcolm) Sorry, Malcolm. Can I? Sorry.
(While Terri leaves Nicola's office to take the call, Nicola continues talking to Malcolm.)
(to Malcolm) They wanted to talk Tom, and, uh, I said that he was the best man for the job.
Yeah, well, so what? I mean, it's the BBC. It's not fucking Spare Rib, is it?
I-I thought it might sound like I thought I was the best woman for the job.
Listen, Nicola, no offense, but you're not leadership material, yeah? I mean, fucking curtain material in that outfit, but you know.
Terri
(to Nicola) Right, um, the BBC have put it on the website. You saying that the PM's the best man for the job.
Terri
Yeah, and they're saying that you fired the starter pistol on a new leadership bid.
(watching a video on a computer) I've got it on here.
(Sure enough, a video of Nicola's interview with Gavin Boyes is playing on the BBC website.)
(on the video) I mean, yes. Absolutely. At some point, I would love there to be a female leader. But I believe that the current Prime Minister is absolutely the best man for the job.
(to Terri) No! I said "person" and you went "huh" over it!
Terri
(to Nicola) It wasn't on a microphone...
(again to Nicola) It is fucking bad. (to Terri) Terri. get on to the BBC, fucking nuke them. Nuke them and rebuke them.
Terri; Yep, got it.
Malcolm, maybe we're making matters worse. We're making them think we've got a live one. I just think we're overreacting.
No no no no no. We nip this in the fucking knackers now, okay?
(smiling) It's been, uh, a wonderful experience here. I think I'll leave you all to it. My work here is done.
(to Ben) Whoa whoa whoa whoa no no no no. You're staying here, mate.
(objecting) I'm not staying here. You haven't even got biscuits here.
You stay here, right? The situation's fucking febrile.
(Ben is puzzled by the word "febrile.")
You don't fucking know what febrile means.
No you don't. It-It means there are gonna be hysterical journalists, right? Watching every fucking move we make. So I want you unplugged from the mains until the danger's past.
Terri
(calling out from Nicola's office) Right, there's-there's a few journalists out there already.
(to Ben) See? See, there you are. It's a fucking feeding frenzy.
Yeah? Well, not in here, it's not.
(again to Ben) Don't panic, Orca. We'll get sandwiches, okay? (to Ollie) How many are there there?
Right. Eight constitutes a lockdown.
(And so, Malcolm leaves Nicola's office to lock DoSAC down.)
Right, people, listen up! It's a fucking lockdown! Right now!
Oh, come off it! We're not in a prison drama, are we?
(to Nicola) We are in a prison drama and this is the fucking Shawshank Redemption, right? But with more tunnelling through shit and no fucking redemption. (back to the crowd) Right, people, nobody move, right? Nobody move, nobody gets fucking truncheoned in the face. This is a lockdown, right? What that means is this office is now an isolation unit. Do not use the phones. No fucking emails. (to Glenn, who's still on his cell phone) No phones, Glenn. Come on.
(ending his phone call) I-I've got to go. Bye.
Are you emailing? Are you stirring this up? Is that why you came into DoSAC today: did you have a big bucket of shit and a whisk?
Just, you know, 'Joan Rivers wants to be the new Prime Minister. Have a look at this clip of her online, staking her bid.'
Come on, it's not my fault you've dressed up like a dead geisha.
Because I'm bored, it's funny and – and I hate you. There you are, the holy trinity of why.
Do you know, talking to you is like talking to a fucking whoopee cushion!
Terri
Right. Bit of good news.
Terri
Two bits, actually. Um...
Enough. Can we all just shut the fuck up, okay? So we can gather our thoughts. So, one at a time. Private Godfrey, get to your station. (Glenn runs to his desk) I want to hear what the word is on the street.
All right, (reporting from his computer) 'Ben has been seen coming into DoSAC but not going out. Possibly Ben is her running mate as number two in a leadership bid.'
Hah! Right, I don't mind going out there now and telling them all face to face just how much I hate Nicola and how unlikely that is to happen, and get myself a sandwich, I'm fucking starving –
What did I just fucking say, what did I just fucking say? I said one at a fucking time. Stand up. (Ben does not stand) I'm telling you to fucking stand up, you sack of fucking cum! Stand the fuck up! (Ben stands) Fucking move, right. (Malcolm grabs a keyboard) See that? Fucking play with that, right? Never mind your fucking toys, play with that. (Malcolm hands Ben the keyboard and pushes him) Go and stand in that fucking corner. Stand over there, right? And do not move, or I will perform a fucking living fucking autopsy on you! With a fucking rusty spade, and I'll have your kidneys for fucking CUFFLINKS!
How fucking dare you? Have you any idea of the amount of pressure that has been exerted on my skull, huh? It feels like my brain has been fucking emptied into little packets, into fucking crisp packets. Cheese and onion fucking crisp packets, that contain my living, breathing, fucking brain!
Terri
Malcolm, I'm really sorry, I –
And these crisp packets – cheese and onion, smoky bacon – they've been stomped on. They've been fucking stomped on! By Ben, fucking Nicola –
Terri
I didn't mean to be horrid –
(long silence)
Terri
I'm sorry.
Terri
I'm sorry.
No, I'm over it, okay? Don't you apologise, don't you fucking apologise, you don't need to apologise. I love this place. I do! I mean, fucking compared to Number 10, this place, this place is fucking tranquil, yeah? Over there, 300 yards down the road, I mean it's like a fucking cancer ward: I mean, there are people in there, they're fucking screaming at each other. They're screaming, 'You gave me this fucking disease. You gave me this fucking disease!' And every corner that I turn, there's another threat, Terri: hacks! Hacks, fucking vampire hacks! And they're slaughtering us, Terri, THEY ARE FUCKING SLAUGHTERING US, AND THEY WANT MY FACE FOR A FLANNEL!
Terri
Yeah.
And you know what? I used to be the fucking pharaoh, Terri, I used to be the fucking pharaoh! Now I'm fucking floundering in a fucking Nile of shit! But I am gonna fashion a paddle out of that shit. Yeah?
Terri
Mmm. Good idea.
I'm not going down. I am not going down. Yeah?
Terri
(whispers) Yeah.
How are you feeling about things?
Terri
Well, you know, I'm just trying to do my best and, you know, make sure I can still get home by six o'clock. Do you want a huggle?
No, I think – That's nice of you, I really appreciate it. Terri, it's been nice to have a chat, but I've gotta get on.
Terri
Okay.
Yeah. Let's get back on track.
Terri
Get back on track.
(both leave the room)
Terri
Funny to use that phrase.
All righty-o, okay, Nicola, let's see you in your office, please.
Terri
Dunno, it was all about ancient Egypt.
Terri
Yeah.
The Thick Of It · 395 quotes
