Make sure fucking Nicola doesn't top herself, eh?
TerriYeah, sure.
(deleted scene)
What are you gonna do when the shit goes down, then?
Oh, plenty of options, Ollie.
Really, have you really, you've got plenty of options, have you? (Glenn nods.) What are those options, let's see, you can't – you can't hold a golf sale sign because of your back, you can't be a prostitute 'cause your waterworks aren't up to it, you can't be a drugs mule, 'cause of your arse, that's too slack, isn't it, so what does that leave you with, you could be – Local weatherman would be perfect; or, er, you could run a whelk stall, how about that? You could be a dinner lady or a sleeping policeman, actually on the road: just lie down, let the cars – You could become one of those people who manipulates their cock and balls into funny shapes for the paying public, it would be nice for them to have a little run out. Or, you could just basically walk into a hospice, and wait to kark it.
(deleted scene)
That's from me, Cack Efron. It's a coded message basically telling you that, if you ignore me or my fucking calls again, I'll fucking rip your head off, right? I'll fucking plant a palm tree in your neck, and I'll fuck you fucking tenderly in its shade!
I can tell you've been away, your threats are including palm trees now.
(deleted scene)
Jesus Christ, Crosby, Still, Nash and fucking Young – Look at the lot of you, it's like walking into an installation at the Tate Gallery that everybody's forgotten about.
(At the start of this episode, Nicola and her team are getting ready to launch DoSAC's Healthy Choices Campaign. The scene starts with a delivery man delivering big bottles of water.)
(to the delivery man, chuckling) Oh, that's great. Don't know why we've ordered so much water. We've all got rabies.
(on her cell phone) So, basically, just get crisps shaped like rockets, rainbow-colored ice cream, you know the stuff that all the other kids have at their parties.
(MORE big bottles of water!)
(surprised) Blimey! More? What are we doing? Opening a dolphinarium?
(off her phone) Good. Sorted. So...Sorry about that. Where were we?
Terri
Beneficial Lifestyle Choices.
(happily) I've just landed Andy Murray.
YAY! That's brilliant! Andy Murray?
I've definitely got Andy Murray!
Andy Murray, the face of Healthy Choices.
Terri
The tennis player?
(sarcastically) No, the fucking pianist.
Nicola Murray NETS Andy Murray!
Well, we both netted him together.
Terri
Are you sure you want him?
Terri
Murray? (beat) Doesn't it sound like nepotism?
(Not appreciating Terri's criticism) Like, in the way people think Russ and Diane Abbott are related?
Terri
Possibly.
And Bill Murray's her father?
Terri
Okay, I'll level with you. I don't like him.
(annoyed) Who would you suggest then, Terri?
Terri
Paula Radcliffe.
Pooey Paula? That's not healthy. Shitting in your own pants, that's definitely not a healthy image.
She could demonstrate how to do the Hop, Shit and Jump.
Terri
That is very unfair. It only happened once.
Once is all you need! Imagine if Bruce Forsyth, beginning of Strictly Come Dancing... (Ollie pretends to poop) "There we go!" You'd never hear the end of that. And quite rightly!
Terri, can we move on from your hatred of Andy Murray, and can we start trailing a major DoSAC initiative? Now, don't give any details at this stage. Just say it's major TBA.
Terri
TBA?
Terri
Oh, just...
It's really self-defeating if I have to explain abbreviations to you.
Terri
Sure, sure...
Terri
(to Glenn and Ollie) What's FFS?
(to Ollie) Oh, we're gonna need Malcolm clearance, Ollie. Okay? (to Glenn) Glenn, can you get rid of all this water as well? It looks like something out of fucking Doctor Who.
(Meanwhile, Nicola, Glenn, Terri and Ollie are still getting over Malcolm being on holiday.)
Terri
Malcolm hasn't been on holiday for 10 years.
Malcolm's got to keep moving or he's dead. He's like a shark of Bob Dylan.
Terri
Well, who's driving the bus?
(Steve Fleming enters the office and starts greeting the staff.)
SFSteve Fleming
Morning! Morning, DoSAC.
Bollocky bollocks. It's the Ghost of Christmas Shit.
There's your answer, Terri: that's the man driving the bus, that's Reg bloody Varney. All stops to electoral oblivion, ding ding.
Get in my office, come on. It'll buy us a bit of time.
(They all do so, as Steve continues to move towards them.)
I've never seen Steve Fleming in the flesh.
For a man who brought us back into power, he's not very imposing, is he? He's like a Lego policeman.
Look at him. Super Mario.
(After their first meeting with Steve Fleming...)
What do you call that? Obsessive Repulsive Disorder, I would say.
I'm gonna ring Malcolm. Holiday or no holiday, I'm gonna ring Malcolm about this.
(impersonating Steve) 'Caffeinated gifts!'
Terri
Malcolm never brought us coffee. I like him.
Yes, well you like bath salts, you're basically an idiot.
(Nicola's getting a phone call from a certain someone...)
Terri
Nicola, it's your nephew on the phone.
Terri
Your nephew. Andy Murray.
(Very excited) Fuck! On the line, now? OH, MY GOD! It's Andy Murray on the line! What line?
Terri
Press two.
He's not there, Terri! Fuck's sake!
Terri
Maybe it was three.
God, it drives me insane! Is he there now?
Terri
Yeah, yeah. Hang on, let me just get him off hold.
It really pisses me off! The fucking phones in this whole -- Andy! Hello! It's Nicola Murray, yes! What a delight to talk to you!
(While NICOLA Murray's chatting on the phone with ANDY Murray, Ollie gets a call on his cell phone from Malcolm.)
Oh, good. We are literally confirming him as we speak.
Ditch him. We can't go with celebrities. Right? It's just gonna look bad.
We're gonna look desperate, all right?
Well, uh...Steve Fleming likes the idea.
Never mind what Mummy says. Just do what Daddy says, right?
Yeah, whilst you're on, um, just, um...there's another thing. Uh, Mummy has asked us to publish the crime stats as part of the Transparent Government initiative. Is that all right with Daddy?
Really? Because, um, Nicola's got that baffled, panicky look like a child on the ghost train.
Give me a second while I look up my little file of things I really don't give a fuck about. And here we have under the letter N, we've got "nail-bombing golf clubs," there is, uh, the National Trust, there is Newcastle...Nicola Murray. Yes. She's still there. So fucking can Andy Murray and just get on with the fucking crime stats.
(still on the phone with Andy) I'll make sure Kate liaises with my press whiz kid, uh, Terri Coverley. She's a woman. But listen, if there is anything else we can do for you, please don't hesitate to call. Dare I say it, we are here to serve, (laughing) if you'll excuse the pun. All right, Andy. Take care. Bye.
(But now, Ollie has to give Nicola the bad news...)
Malcolm says we have to drop him.
Andy. He's not in, he's now out. Apparently, according to Malcolm, sent to bed without any barley water.
I mean, he's a fucking tennis player! We're not asking Shane MacGowan! Why?
It's nothing personal. He just said bringing in celebrities looks desperate. He said it's the sign of a dying government.
We are a dying government! Our hair's falling out, and we're coughing up blood, and our kids are asking us to change the will!
Look, he was quite clear about this. He said just, you know, kill it. Kitten, breeze block, sack, canal.
Oh, I can imagine him being clear about it. Right. We've gotta get on to -- (to Terri) You've gotta get on to...
Terri
Me?
...Andy Murray's people and find a polite way of saying, "Piss off, Andy. Apparently, you're too well-known to front our public awareness campaign."
Terri
Right.
(But Glenn has some GOOD news on the crime stats.)
Right! Good news is I have done all that pile and that's in the system.
(stretching his back) Oh, fuck me!
(But then, Glenn sees a trolley-full of more crime stats headed his way!)
It appears to be a trolley-full of crime stats.
"Vandalism?" "Bicycle theft?" Oh, this is ridiculous!
(And just when he says THAT, Glenn kicks open a box of crime stats!)
Well, that's given us an unexpected head start, well done. I would kill you but I'd have to add you to the fucking figures.
(to Terri) Okay. Think about what you're gonna say.
Terri
Yeah. Okay, I've done that.
What? Already? Is that enough time?
Terri
(on the phone) Kate. Hello. Uh, Terri Coverley. Yes. Yeah, we're thrilled about Andy being on board.
(whispering to Terri) Get on with it.
Terri
(stammering) No. I'm not actually saying that it's...
(Nicola then sees Steve Fleming entering the room. Again.)
(still whispering) Shit! End the call. End the call. It's Mustache Sally. Fleming! Steve Fleming's here! Put the phone down!
(to Nicola) Ah, Nicola Murray! How are the crime stats coming along?
It's not easy, Steve, as you can see. But Glenn and Ollie are on top of it.
"Other theft?" What the fuck is other theft?
I don't know what other theft is.
If you want to stay late, or pull an all-nighter, if you think it'd help –
You want us to work all through the night on this?
It would be very much appreciated upstairs.
Hah, well: I'm an atheist.
(laughs) By the Prime Minister. I did get the joke, by the way.
Terri
Morning, Nicola.
Terri
You're Nicola? Nicola Murray?
(Nicola nods her head "Yes.")
Terri
Ah. Secretary of State for...
That's right. I'm Secretary of State. So why has a sports personality launched my policy on his fucking website?
Terri
Ah! No, I know. I know exactly why that is.
You didn't make the phone call, did you?
Terri
Well, uh, yes.
Nicola, um, in other really bad news -- Good morning, by the way.
(on the phone) This is about the crime stats, yeah?
Yeah, some of the crime stats that we published, as it turns out, were unverified and not ready for being in the public domain. Uh, Marianne Swift from The Mail...
That's the one. She noticed, uh, a drop in the figures for aggravated burglary in the last quarter. Whereas when she checked it out...
Right. So Swine-Face Swift and her piggy hack-hog colleagues...
Exactly. So we're getting a lot of, uh, oinking on the phones. So basically what that means is that the department -- well, essentially the royal you, um, seem to have massaged the crime figures.
Great. Thank you, Steve fucking "Ew, Nicola!" Fleming!
Yup. He is a fucking...ninny, isn't he?
(Meanwhile, at DoSAC, Glenn, Ollie & Terri are on their desk phones, trying to get a better handle on the news of the moment.)
(on his phone) No, we're not manipulating the figures. Somebody quite simply made a mistake. No. No, I couldn't possibly say who.
(on his phone) Glenn Cullen. Glenn with one, one N.
Terri
(on her phone) We have actually decided to go in a different direction from Andy.
(Steve and Malcolm have entered the room, both making a beeline for Nicola's office.)
(to Malcolm) Good holiday?
Shut it, you fucking hairdresser.
(to Malcolm) Got any photos?
I've got a photo of you in a minute with your cock nailed to the desk. Hey, you want to see something that's truly worth photographing? Look at Steve Fleming at work, eh? That's the real master of spin. He's Spinny fucking Hendrix.
(Malcolm and Steve are playing a "Tug of War" of sorts for Nicola's attention.)
(to Nicola) Ignore him. Just come with me. Come into my office.
(to Malcolm) Let's deal with the crime stats...
(But Malcolm successfully brings Nicola into his "office..." and shuts Steve out.)
(knocking on the door) Come on. Malcolm. Malcolm. MALCOLM! (Steve starts laughing uncomfortably) Sorry about this, everybody.
(Malcolm is happy to shut out Steve, but he's still visibly annoyed.)
Goodbye. Give my regards to the rest of the fucking Village People.
(But then, Terri knocks on the office door.)
Terri
(outside the door) Sorry, Nicola, Mal--um, excuse me. It's Andy Murray. He's-he's insisting on talking to you.
Get him back on board. Fucking talk to him.
Was that an attempt at a joke?
You told me to kill it! I've killed it!
Right now, some photos in the papers of a very boring man with tight white shorts on is gonna be a very pleasant distraction from Steve's fucking crime stats abortion.
If we need a fucking celebrity, can we try somebody else? Steve Redgrave.
Fucking boring, boring fuck. And fucking drives a car.
Fucking cyclist! Are you fucking mental? Everybody hates cyclists! Even fucking cyclists hate fucking cyclists! Plus, he's a boring fuck!
Terri
(still outside the office) Paula Radcliffe?
No, she shat in the street!
And she's a boring fuck as well.
How about we just launch the policy without a celebrity?
(sarcastically) Oh, great idea. "Hello, there. Hi, everyone. I, Nicola Murray, would like to say to you that even though you don't fucking know me from fucking Adam, I think you should cut down on carbs."
(deleted scene)
(thinking about options other than Andy Murray for the Healthy Eating launch)
Terri
What about Lynda Bellingham?
Yes, that'd be convincing, 'Eat less salt', says the dancing Oxo lady, good idea. No one from the stage show of Calendar Girls.
(deleted scene)
(Reading stories about Malcolm in the newspapers)
I forgot your political memory only goes back two issues of The Economist.
That's right, Glenn, you'll have to hold my hand through this complicated world: some of us weren't up the Acropolis the day that you and Roy Jenkins invented democracy.
Terri
Oh my God. Did you know that he'd been some kind of womaniser?
You wanna check the Sun, they've got a woman who claims he womanised her three times in a day at the gazebo at Chequers. Front, back, and in the gallery, as I understand it.
(reading a headline about Steve and Julius on Times Online) "Care to do another draft, Sir Whitewash?"
What have The Mirror got?
Terri
"Give us the bald facts?" (beat) Oh, that's very rude, that, isn't it? I was always taught never to make personal remarks about people.
He's impressive, Malcolm, in an evil way. Like those women at Crufts who make dogs dance on their hind legs.
Okay, listen up everybody. That was Gavin over at Number 10. He reckons that Steve Fleming has just joined the cabal.
Terri
That's a complete disaster. There'll be nothing else on television for weeks.
Where's Malcolm? Where's the dark knight in all this?
Malcolm will have grabbed his false passport by now. He'll be on a plane to Brazil and he's about to spend the rest of his days being the world's scariest dentist.
Terri (on the phone): I think we're just playing it in the wrong key. It's when we go, (sings at a low pitch) 'Red and yellow and blue' –
What's she talking about?
Oh. She's putting on her annual production of Joseph, in Hemel Hempstead. She doesn't license it ever because she considers Joseph to be public domain.
Terri
But I need to just pitch it a little higher. More like, (sings at a much higher pitch) 'Red and yellow and blue and green' –
She's directing it. And starring.
Well, one assumes with a beard. Maybe she'll just let herself go for a couple of weeks, see what happens.
The Thick Of It · 395 quotes
