Uncle Junior quotes from The Sopranos

Mr. Soprano. I'm Michael Mcluhan from the US Marshals Service, here to reattach your electronic bracelet.

Uncle Junior

They give you the important jobs, huh?

Uncle Junior

I'm fucking fed up.

Tony Soprano

Hey, I'm on the street. That's the arrangement. Stay home, clip your coupons. Be a happy man.

Tony Soprano

Well...you know, you're gettin' better. That's the important thing. You look better too.

Uncle Junior

If you're gonna lie to me, tell me there's a broad waitin' in the car who wants to tongue my balls.

Tony Soprano

Hey you want that, it's a phone call away.

We had a little scare. Thought it was a shunt in his heart, he passed some gas. He seems better. (about Uncle Junior)

Uncle Junior

Why don't you go on Joe Franklin, tell the whole tri-state area.

Uncle Junior

[to AJ at dinner] Your father never had the makings of a varsity athlete.

Tony Soprano

Oh, what the... What the hell's with you?

Uncle Junior

What?

Tony Soprano

It's not true. I lettered in football.

Uncle Junior

You never played college ball.

Tony Soprano

College? Those guys from Seton Hall were seven feet tall some of them. Took an academic leave anyway.

Uncle Junior

Small hands, that was your problem.

Janice Soprano

[laughing] Oh yeah, Daddy always said that.

Tony Soprano

That's not the point. What is it with you and this obsession with this varsity crap? The other day you said it. When I was a kid you told the girl cousins the same thing, it was very hurtful.

Janice Soprano

Tony, relax, it's not a big deal.

Tony Soprano

It's undermining! And it's the kinda stuff I'm teaching my kids not to do - so I don't wanna hear it again! End of subject!

So coming down I heard on the radio, looks like the Jets are gonna grab that kid from Tulsa, that tight end.

We still get those season tickets, big brother?

All I know is he never had the makings of a varsity athlete.

Tony Soprano

AW, SON OF A BITCH!

What?

Tony Soprano

DID I JUST TELL YOU NOT TO SAY THAT AGAIN?!

Say what?!

You don't like the way I talk, get outta my house!

Ugh, here we go...

Janice Soprano

Tony...

Tony Soprano

No, "Tony" shit! [to AJ] Get your coat, we're leaving.

I don't have a coat.

Tony Soprano

Well then get moving, Goddamn it!

Will someone please tell me what's going on?

Tony Soprano

It's my last Sunday dinner here, that's what's going on.

Janice Soprano

Uncle Jun, was that really necessary?

He's a goddamn hothouse flower, that's his problem.

Tony Soprano

Look, the doctor said you might not have known what you were saying.

Uncle Junior

What are you talking about?

Tony Soprano

The varsity shit.

Tony Soprano

So what else did Feech have to say?

Uncle Junior

Getting a new top on his convertible.

Tony Soprano

All right, let's assume that you didn't know what you were saying... and that you forget that you say shit over and over.

Uncle Junior

Yeah?

Tony Soprano

Why's it gotta be something mean? Why can't you repeat something good?

Uncle Junior

[turning his attention back to the television] There's the coyote.

Tony Soprano

I mean, don't you love me?

Silvio Dante

(A series of phone conversations) Adriana got caught givin' the big guy a blowjob.

Bobby Baccilieri

And when the paramedics found them, she had his cock still in her mouth.

Hesh Rabkin

Now, statistics show that most single-car fatalities are the result of guys poppin' their load behind the wheel.

Uncle Junior

Apparently, he came all over the sun visor.

Brought you some danishes and coffee.

Uncle Junior

Fuckin' medication. I can't think, can't stay awake.

It don't have that side-effect. But it'll help your outlook if you take it consistently like you're supposed to. What's on?

Uncle Junior

They said in the guide it's an Italian movie, but even with the captions I can't tell what's what. They had Jesus hanging off a helicopter, but you could tell it was a dummy.

You know who I saw at the bakery?

Uncle Junior

How the fuck could I know?

Rosalie Aprile. She said they're having a surprise party for Carmela's father next week. He's gonna be seventy-five. You get an invite?

Uncle Junior

No but we go back to when Moses wore short pants. I better call Hugh. Tell him not to expect me.

It's a surprise party, June.

Uncle Junior

What are we, children? Anyway, at our age it's enough surprise we're still alive every morning.

Uncle Junior

(on phone) Hugo,

Hugh DeAngelis

Who is this?

Uncle Junior

Corrado Soprano.

Hugh DeAngelis

Ohhh...Corrado, how are ya?

Uncle Junior

How am I? I'm a prisoner in my own home is how I am. What do we live for?

Hugh DeAngelis

Yeah.

Uncle Junior

Anyhow, I wanna wish you a bona fortuna and also send you my regrets. I'd love to be at your jubilee.

Bobby Baccilieri

Junior...

Hugh DeAngelis

Jubilee?!

Uncle Junior

The federal government says I can't leave the house and my family keeps me sedated. Bobby told me it was a surprise party, but I told him, I go "At our age, it's enough surprise everyday when we get up in the morning. Right?"

Hugh DeAngelis

Uhh..I suppose so.

Uncle Junior

So happy birthday my friend and many more. Arrividerci.

Tony Soprano

(digging with shovel) Halfway ta China...there's nuthin' here.

Uncle Junior

Forty thousand I had. My share of the Bohack's haul from the seventies.

Tony Soprano

Did you wrap it right? It gets moldy...it could've disintegrated.

Uncle Junior

Wrap what?

Tony Soprano

The money.

Uncle Junior

He knows I need that money for my fuckin' retrial.

Tony Soprano

Who?

Uncle Junior

You know who.

Tony Soprano

No I don't know who, that's why I asked you.

Uncle Junior

Malanga.

Tony Soprano

Will you stop with that. Pussy Malanga's dead...six years now. I should dig him up already!

Uncle Junior

The phone keeps ringin'. And then they hang up.

Tony Soprano

Probably salespeople.

Uncle Junior

I know who it is.

Tony Soprano

Pussy Malanga...I know. We'll get J. Edgar Hoover right on it.

What are these?

Uncle Junior

A watch an' a pencil.

Repeat the following sentence, "No ifs, ands or buts."

Uncle Junior

I'll do it if I fuckin' feel like it. Take your ultimatums and stick 'em in your ass.

No...repeat the sentence.

Uncle Junior

(yelling) What is this person talkin' about?!

These people are trying to establish for the government, that if you shot Anthony Soprano, which we're not conceding, that it certainly wasn't intentional. That you were confused and disoriented.

Don't coach him, please.

Uncle Junior

My nephew Anthony?!

That's why you're here in custody.

Uncle Junior

Where's Mel?

You dismissed Mr. Melvoin as your attorney and hired me, because of his paralyzed hand from his stroke, it made you nervous.

Uncle Junior

If somebody shot my nephew, it was him himself. He's a depression case.

(Junior is playing checkers with Carter) Heh. Checkers. The thinking man's game.

Uncle Junior

You lookin' for a smack in the fuckin' mouth.

Corrado. Language please.

Uncle Junior

What do you want?

If you'd move, perhaps I can reach the chess set.

Uncle Junior

And if I don't, what the fuck you gonna do then?

You don't intimidate me.

Corrado?

Uncle Junior

You're lucky she's here you little prick.

Naturally, you're only tough when there's an authority figure nearby so things won't go too far. Oh, how the mighty have fallen- (Uncle Junior beats the crap out of the patient) Ahhhh! Ahh!

Corrado!!!

Carter Chong

Get 'im! Get 'im!

Uncle Junior

How do ya like that, huh, fuckin' tough guy?! How do ya like that?! I'm gonna kill this prick!

Uncle Junior

Hello.

Tony Soprano

What, you don't recognize me?

Uncle Junior

We used to play catch.

Tony Soprano

You don't remember that you shot me? Alright, enough with the fuckin' burns. I'm Anthony, Johnny's son.

Uncle Junior

Fuck you want, a boutonniere?

Tony Soprano

Alright, listen to me, Uncle Pat came to see me about Janice, about your money.

Uncle Junior

People keep askin' me. I don't know. There's a man from another galaxy that came here.

Tony Soprano

That's your accountant.

Uncle Junior

I'm confused.

Tony Soprano

Any money should go to Bobby Bacala's kids, now Janice may not do that, but Bobby was with us. He was a made guy. Wouldn't be right.

Uncle Junior

Me, I never had kids.

Tony Soprano

You remember where your stash is, you let Uncle Pat know. Me, as the head o' the family, I'll hold onto it as a guardian, for Bobby's kids. You remember Bobby?

Uncle Junior

Sure.

Tony Soprano

You don't know who I am, do ya? Remember Johnny? Johnny Boy? Your kid brother? This thing of ours.

Uncle Junior

I was involved with that?

Tony Soprano

You and my dad. You two ran North Jersey.

Uncle Junior

We did?

Tony Soprano

Yeah.

Uncle Junior

Hmm. Well, that's nice. (Tony's eyes swell up with tears)