Paulie Walnuts quotes from The Sopranos

I'm going to hell, T.

You're not going anywhere but home.

I crossed over to the other side.

You what?

I saw the tunnel and the white light...and I saw my father in hell.

Paulie Walnuts

Get the fuck out of here.

And the bouncer said that I'd be there too when my time comes.

Paulie Walnuts

What bouncer?

"The emerald piper", that's our hell. It's an Irish bar where it's St. Patrick's day everyday forever. Mikey Palmice and Brendan Filone were there too. They were friends.

Paulie Walnuts

Those two guys hated each other.

You gotta relax, you just need some rest.

They're friends now. They were playing dice with two Roman soldiers and a bunch of the Irish guys.

Paulie Walnuts

Doesn't make sense.

The Irish, they were winning every roll.

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Paulie Walnuts

You didn't go to hell. You went to purgatory, my friend.

I forgot all about purgatory.

Paulie Walnuts

Purgatory, a little detour on the way to paradise.

How long you think we gotta stay there?

Paulie Walnuts

That's different for everybody. You add up all your mortal sins, multiply that number by 50, then you add up all your venial sins and multiply that by 25. You add them together, and that's your sentence. I figure i'm gonna have to do about 6,000 years before I get accepted into heaven. And 6,000 years is nothing in eternity terms. I could do that standing on my head. It's like a couple of days here.

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How long? How much do they know?

Big Pussy Bonpensiero

A year and a half. No, less.

A year and a fucking half you been running your own fucking gossip column?

Paulie Walnuts

Motherfucker!! (pushes Pussy angrily)

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Big Pussy Bonpensiero

Not in the face okay? You give me that? Huh? Keep my eyes?

Paulie Walnuts

You were like a brother to me.

To all of us.

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Paulie Walnuts

How the fuck would Patsy know we clipped "Spoons"?

What? That fuckin' twin telepathy...?

Paulie Walnuts

Somebody's puttin' ideas in this kid's head.

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Furio Giunta

I like a woman you can grab onto something.

Paulie Walnuts

You grab onto Ginny Sacrimoni, your fuckin' hands'll disappear.

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JAJackie Aprile, Jr.

Just say the word. My fuckin' pleasure!

Why don't you go grab us some coffee.

JAJackie Aprile, Jr.

Come on, are you kiddin'?!

Paulie Walnuts

Better yet, go to the ear, nose, and throat department. Get your hearin' checked.

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Paulie Walnuts

Amazing thing about snakes is that they reproduce spontaneously.

What do you mean?

Paulie Walnuts

They have both male and female sex organs. That’s why somebody you don’t trust you call a snake. How can you trust a guy who can literally go fuck themselves?

Don’t you think that expression would’ve come from the Adam and Eve story? When the snake tempted Eve to bite the apple?

Paulie Walnuts

Hey, snakes were fucking themselves long before Adam and Eve showed up, T.

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Tony, guess what we found in the bottom of the Christmas box.

Santa Outfit.

You guessed.

Burn the fuckin' thing.

This is the first Christmas in history I remember him not bein' Santa.

RCRaymond Curto

Ahh... Big Pussy.

Paulie Walnuts

We were talkin' the other day about that fat piece o' shit. When he got back from Boca in Christmas in '95, how he wasn't himself.

What happened to uh... not wastin' your breath on the cocksucker?

RCRaymond Curto

Two faced fuck. To sell out your friends and save your own ass. It's despicable. That's one ride I would've loved ta been along on.

Yeah... me too.

Enough o' this shit. Put up the fuckin' decorations.

Well we still gotta find somebody ta play Santa.

[Everyone stares at Tony]

The fuck outta here.

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[The crew are pondering who is going to be Santa. Bobby enters the room, and Silvio signals everyone to his likeness]

What?

Ho fuckin' ho!

You're right.

What are you talkin' about?

Paulie Walnuts

You wanna play Santa Claus at the party this year?

Nah, I can't do that.

Why not?

...I don't know. I don't know how.

Paulie Walnuts

Eh, what's to know? You ask 'em what they want for Christmas, you give 'em a nice toy, and that's the end of it.

Nah. Not me, I can't.

Paulie Walnuts

Yes you can.

I can't.

Paulie Walnuts

Why not?

I'm shy.

[Paulie slowly rises and marches towards Bobby]

Paulie Walnuts

The Boss of this family told you you're gonna be Santa Claus. You're Santa Claus! So shut the fuck up about it.

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One thing you gotta admit, he made a great Santa Claus.

He did.

Paulie Walnuts

In the end, fuck Santa Claus.

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Paulie Walnuts

Gimme your shoes. I can go get help.

Fuck you. You're not leavin' me here.

Paulie Walnuts

You don't trust me?

It's stupid. Pitch dark out there.

Paulie Walnuts

And what's your fuckin' plan? Eat ketchup packs?

We shoulda stopped at Roy Rogers.

Paulie Walnuts

And I shoulda fucked Dale Evans, but I didn't!

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Could be him out there stalkin' us!

Paulie Walnuts

With what? His cock? Think about it Chrissy. Even if he's alive, he's unarmed and bleedin' like a sieve, he's in the woods, he's in his pajamas. It's the fuckin' Yukon out there.

Probably thinks we left anyway.

Paulie Walnuts

If he's alive, which he ain't. What's that?

Nathan's bag. Fuck, there's some ketchups and shit.

Paulie Walnuts

They clean?

I don't know. They were in the bag. They're a little halfway frozen.

Paulie Walnuts

Fuck it. Gimme some. Not bad. Mix it with the relish.

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Paulie Walnuts

We were drivin' south and the sun's settin' there.

What good's that do us?

Paulie Walnuts

At least we know what direction we're headed.

Yeah but we're still fuckin' lost.

Paulie Walnuts

We're not lost. Stop gettin' cunty.

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Paulie Walnuts

You think we're diggin' a hole. That's right shithead, get to work. I know the ground's kinda hard, but give it some of that Siberian action.

VValery

Ya sech pubyuvyal sukye. (Cocksuckers, I'll kill you both.)

Paulie Walnuts

Shut up!

VValery

Vishto davitzishtov na chaladna. (You think the cold bothers me?) No...dvam colodna. Amenya niet. (I wash my balls with ice water!) Ya payatsiev caladeeva deechadyeel. (This is warm.) Amerikozeh Sronye. (You American pieces of shit.) Poo! [Valey spits]

Fuck's he sayin'?

Paulie Walnuts

Who gives a shit? Keep diggin'. Not that it matters now. We didn't come to your house to kill ya! That mouth o' yours. You gotta learn to shut the fuck up.