Tony Soprano quotes from The Sopranos

What?

Tony Soprano

You tell some fuckin' goober your life story? We're supposed ta be layin' low!

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Tony Soprano

Listen, I gotta bring this up.

A favor already?

Tony Soprano

'Scuse me?

Anthony, you always have business on your mind. Take a night. Smell the cognac.

Tony Soprano

Marie Spatafore came ta see me. She wants a hundred grand ta relocate on the count o' Vito Junior already has his own social worker.

Pattie told me there was doin's. I guess the turd doesn't fall far from the faggot's ass.

Tony Soprano

That's beautifully put. But, you're family right? Cousins?

What can you do, throw money at the problem?

Tony Soprano

Well somebody's gonna.

I'll talk ta the kid. Set 'im right.

Tony Soprano

Good.

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Speakin' o' loads. Hear the latest on Vito Junior.

What?

Tony Soprano

Marie called. He got expelled 'cause he took a shit in the shower in gym class.

Oh!!!

That sick little fuck!

Tony Soprano

You should see 'im. The makeup. Now without school, Marie says he's shut in his room all day.

Probably thinkin' about how ta pull a Columbine.

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Anthony?

What?

I am making French Toast.

I'm not hungry. Jesus, how many times are you gonna ask me?

You heard the term "Comfort Food." Maybe it'll make you feel better.

I know this is hard for you to believe, but food may not be the answer to every problem.

Tony Soprano

Well, neither is actin' like a whiny little bitch.

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Listen, I gotta talk ta you!

Tony Soprano

Now?

It can't wait T, this fuckin' Paulie!

What happened?

He sent his idiot nephew and Jason Molinaro ta my father in law's store. They boosted a power to power source.

Tony Soprano

They did?

Yeah. Not exactly, Al caught 'em while they were there.

Tony Soprano

So, they did or did not take the source?

They did. Under false pretense.

Tony Soprano

And this is what you couldn't wait ta talk ta me about?

They broke inta the guy's store T!

Tony Soprano

Yeah, I hear ya, I get it. But we're in the middle o' talkin' about an ongoing potentially multi million dollar proposition here Christopher.

It ain't the money Ton'.

Tony Soprano

Oh really? Well I'm glad ya feel that way. Power ta drills, you believe this shit? Go have a Live Ricky or whatever the fuck it is you're drinkin' these days and we'll be done in a few minutes.

Forget it, alright! I got other shit ta do!

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Tony Soprano

(on phone) Alright, listen. Sweetheart, there's been an accident, We were comin' back from the city and Christopher's dead.

(on phone) (Gasps) Oh my God!!!

Tony Soprano

Alright...Carm...

What happened?

Tony Soprano

He drove off the road...and...and...and the car flipped over and...look, I'll tell you in detail.

Are you okay?

Tony Soprano

I just banged my knee, you know the one from High School, I'm fine, but...he wasn't wearin' a belt.

So where are you, Saint Claire's.

Tony Soprano

Listen, they're gonna call Kelli, if they haven't already...and...just get Al and Rita on the phone...and get 'em started already.

Alright. Alright. Oh my God, Tony. He's dead?!

Tony Soprano

(pause) Yeah.

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Silvio Dante

He didn't seem high did he?

Tony Soprano

Are you kiddin'? I've been furious. I woulda fuckin' strangled 'im.

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Tony Soprano

Get me a scotch.

Meadow Soprano

Are you serious?

Tony Soprano

Yeah. And have one yourself.

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Tony Soprano

You alright?

I know I had my differences with that kid...but maybe I didn't do right by him neither. If you were his dad, I was his Dutch uncle. And what the fuck did I do but get pissed off? Fight with him over cocksuckin' fuckin' money. And break his balls when he tried not to have a drink...or a little taste o' snow.

Tony Soprano

It's over Paulie.

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Tony Soprano

You know what? This is bullshit.

What?

Tony Soprano

I haven't been able ta tell anybody this, but I'm fuckin' relieved.

Really?

Tony Soprano

He was a tremendous drag on my emotions...on my thoughts about the future. I mean, ta begin with...every mornin' I wake up thinkin' "is today the day that one o' my best friends is gonna dime me ta the FBI." And a weak fuckin' snivelin', lyin' drug addict? That's the worst kind o' bet. The biggest blunder o' my career is now gone. And I don't have ta be confronted by that fact no more. And as a relative, a friend, someone you can count on... (Tony does a non-caring notion with his hand)

I see.

Tony Soprano

Let me tell you somethin', I murdered friends before, even relatives. My cousin Tony...my best friend, Puss'...but this...

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Fine. Bury your head in the sand.

Tony Soprano

How 'bout I bury yours in that fuckin' wall instead.

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RGAgent Ron Goddard

You got a minute? We'd like ta show you some pictures.

Tony Soprano

Angelina Jolie, I hope.

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First off, it wasn't an offer. It's my position. Twenty five percent.

Tony Soprano

That's it?

What else would you like me to say?

Tony Soprano

Come on Phil, what... what's the problem? I come here on good faith. I make a reasonable counter.

Which I considered... and rejected.

Tony Soprano

Do we need to talk in private?

For what?

Tony Soprano

Okay then... in front of everybody. When you were sick, in the hospital, we talked. We shared a... uh... an understanding about life.

This is business, Anthony.

Tony Soprano

Yeah I... I know. But I'm talkin' to ya here on a human level. There's a limit Phil. Come on. Point where business bleeds into other shit. Feelings make things financially unfeasible.

Charles Schwab over here. [everyone laughs]

Tony Soprano

So that's it? No leeway, no compromise, just stupid fuckin' jokes.

You want compromise? How's this? Twenty years in the can, I wanted manicott. I compromised; I ate grilled cheese off the radiator instead. I wanted to fuck a woman. But I compromised; I jacked off in a tissue. You see where I'm goin'?

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Tony Soprano

Alright, lets dispense with the five hundred pound elephant in the room huh? My kid tried ta off 'imself. We all fuckin' know it. That's it...nobody's got nothin' ta say...

How's he doin' Ton'?

Tony Soprano

They got 'im under observation, whatever the fuck that means. Stupid fuck! When did I lose this kid. What did I do wrong?

Whoah, come on.

Silvio Dante

Don't blame yourself T.

Lot o' pressure on kids today Ton'.

Tony Soprano

Still, ta try ta kill 'imself.

It happens skip.

Tony Soprano

(to Bobby) Happen ta your kids? (to Patsy) Or yours?

Patsy Parisi

They're all different Ton'. My son Patrick, I love 'im ta death, but he can be a moody prick sometimes...

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Tony Soprano

And missin' sessions, unfortunately, is part o' my condition.

What do you know about your condition? You miss appointments because you don't give a shit, about commitments, about what I do, about the body of work that's gone into building up this science. Go ahead, tell me again I sound like your wife.

Tony Soprano

Well, if the shoe fits. (Melfi stands up) We're makin' progress. It's been seven years.

Do you want some names?

Tony Soprano

O...okay, (Tony stands up) I'm...I'm...listen I'm gonna tell you somethin', and you're not gonna like it but we can say anything in here-

Go ahead!

Tony Soprano

Alright...I'm...I'm chalkin' this all up to female menopausal situations.

You're not my gynecologist.

Tony Soprano

Well, you don't need a gynecologist to know which way the wind blows. (Melfi walks to her door and opens it) So wait a minute, you're tellin' me, after all this time, after everything we shared in here, you're cuttin' me loose just as my son got outta the hospital, for trying ta kill 'imself.

Since you are in crisis, I don't wanna waste your time.

Tony Soprano

You know, I gotta be fuckin' honest, as a doctor, I think what you're doin' is immoral.