Statler isn't here tonight, Kermit! He's sick!
KermitOh, that's too bad. The flu?
No, the show! He's sick of it! (laughs)
Kermit
Well, uh, don't get lonely up there, okay?
Not much chance of that. My wife is using Statler's ticket. She's just powdering her nose.
Kermit
No kidding. I've always wanted to meet your wife.
[Astoria, a woman who looks exactly like Statler, appears in the box]
AAstoria
I thought the show had started! Who's the frog?
Kermit
What's your wife's name, Waldorf?
Kermit the Frog
Uh, it's a real honor to introduce our special guest star tonight, ladies and gentlemen. He's a comedy genius, a man of a million characters, and here he is now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. —
Allow me. (pushes Kermit away) Grand News. I found his old props and this will surprise him.
JWJonathan Winters
Please! Please. Help me. The gypsy curse is upon us, I tell you.
Observe. Of course, I can help you.
JWJonathan Winters
(sobs) You can? Oh, thank you, Beauregard, All my props are gone! I'm — I'm ruined! I'm ruined.
(to Jonathan angrily by slap face) No, you're not! (to the lens) Watch this. (to Jonathan angrily) You mean your props, like this? (shows Jonathan to his Props)
JWJonathan Winters
(saw his props have returned and screams) My props! I thought they were gone and I was ruined and... All my props are back! I'm — I'm back in business! Finally! Oh, (happily in tears) Thank you, Beauregard. My hero. (to Propsy) Propsy, how I missed you.
I am sure this did hold him and scared him. He named Props Propsy. All his props are back, Returned props, check, now, what's next on my list to fix Jonathan's act? Fozzie's Prop Box for all his props. Perfect. Fozzie's Prop Box, check.
Kermit the Frog
Oh, good. You're ready. With your props back. Thanks, Beauregard. (goes onstage) Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I think we're all ready back there now. Uh, here he is, uh, Mr. Jonathan Winters! YAAAYY!
Kermit! Kermit! I've just learned a terrible thing.
Kermit the Frog
What now?
I just met that old gypsy woman in the alley.
Kermit the Frog
Mm-hm.
She made a dire prediction!
A dire prediction? (two chickens faint) I was right.
Kermit the Frog
So — so, what was the dire prediction?
Well, the old gypsy woman said that, in the final stages of the curse, Jonathan Winters would turn Swedish!
Kermit the Frog
I don't believe it.
Girls, did you hear that? In the final stages of the curse, he'll all be... (doing the Mock Swedish Dance) Look at me, I'm dancing.
Kermit the Frog
Gonzo!
Oh, it's happening already. Gonzo just turned Dance Swedish! Soon everyone'll — (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)
Scooter! Kermit — listen to Scooter! He — (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)
Kermit the Frog
Fozzie!
Kermit the Frog
Hey, listen to me, everybody! Uh, hey, listen, there's nothing terrible about turning Swedish! I mean, some of my best friends are Swedish.
FSFozzie, Scooter and Gonzo
Nothing terrible? Oh. (muttering) Who?
Kermit the Frog
The Swedish Chef.
LZLew Zealand
Victory is mine! Stand up and do the Mock Swedish Dance! Yeah! (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)
Kermit
Piggy, have you been planting items about us in the gossip papers again?
Well, uh, what would make you think a thing like that?
Kermit
The photographer who was just here! He was from Tongue Magazine!
Oh. Oh, him. Well, it was just a little, teeny tiny item.
Kermit
It was a cover story about us being secretly married!
Well, it was a slight exaggeration...
Kermit
That's a bald-faced lie, Piggy!
Well, you know, we are close...
Kermit
I will not stand around while you do dumb things like that, Piggy!
Kermit
You have done that to me too many times, Piggy! I will not stand for it! I will not stand for it!
Well, what are you gonna do?
Kermit
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'M GOING TO DO, PIGGY! I AM GOING TO FIRE YOU! PIGGY, YOU ARE FIRED! YOU ARE FIRED, PIGGY, YOU ARE FIRED! FIRED!!
Boy, you sure are heavy. You must least weighed a ton.
Well, that's good. That means she's lost weight! [laughs]
Floyd, you shouldn't laugh at Piggy. I mean, she must be terrified.
Terrified? She's petrified! [laughs]
Hey, great news, Miss Piggy! You'll be back to normal in no time. I just got this new book called, "Sandblasting Without Pain"! [laughs]
Yeah! Did you know that Miss Piggy is very worried about Kermit?
Worried about Kermit? Why?
Well, she's afraid that she'll have to take him for granite! [laughs]
Kermit
OK. OK, guys. Enough with these big cheap shots.
Aw, come on! I've got another page to go yet.
Kermit
Floyd, how could you be so cruel to a fellow performer? Someone you've known and work with for years. I mean, just take a look at her. She's suffered enough. Have pity upon her.
[affectionally] Mmmmmmmm.
Oh, you're right. Well, what will I do with these jokes?
Kermit
Burn them. [leaves to the stage]
[to Miss Piggy] You heard what the frog said. [strikes a match on her]
[painfully] MMMMMMMMMM!!!!!
Well, It looks like time's running out for us.
Yeah, And for the show, too.
So, Let's bring back our wonderful special guest star, Mr. Hal Linden!
Kermit the Frog
[As he goes on Stage] YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
HLHal Linden
Oh, Kermit. It's good to see you!
Yeah, Tonight was a disaster.
HLHal Linden
Has it really?
Kermit the Frog
Gee, I thought that was a terrific show.
HLHal Linden
What are you talking about? There was a lot of confusions and chaos, and a lot of running around like mindless maniacs....
Yeah, Like any good Muppet Show!
Kermit the Frog
And Hal, You're a big part of it.
HLHal Linden
Oh, Good. I am glad I fit right in.
[Everybody laughs]
Well, Kermit. The show is all yours. We are going back to our seats in the box and stay there. [exits the stage]
We didn't know how tough it was down here. From now on, we promise never to say a bad thing about this show again! [exits the stage].
Kermit the Frog
Oh, good! We'll see you again next time on The Muppet Show.
The Muppet Show · 243 quotes
