Listen, Michael, it's okay to feel or plead guilty about bad things you used to do, but you don't have to feel shame about who you were because you're not a demon anymore. You're just like a nice, weird, happy old dude.
I don't know what to tell you, man. Maybe do some squats? Pop that booty a little bit?
MMichael (Narrating)
It was a real high point.
Michael
The ski trip, I mean, not the completely rigged hotness contest. All in all, it was the best we'd ever felt about the experiment. And then Brent did something...very Brentian.
As you reach the end of your first year in the afterlife, what do you remember most? The everlasting friendships you made? The adversity you overcame together? The day everything was chocolate?
That day was awesome! I had a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. It was all chocolate!
Michael
Shh shh shh...
EEleanor (in video)
You only have a few hours left in your first year, so why not do as many amazing good deeds for other people as you possibly can by midnight, just in case?
The ACTUAL Bad Place, They let us toy with you a little just for kicks, but now you're going...[squeaks while pointing downward, then leans toward Brent's ear] And trust me on this: It's a LOT WORSE.
Look! RIGHT THERE. After we intervened, Pillboi dedicated himself to caring for the elderly. Kamilah started a scholarship in Tahani's name that sent 213 women to college. Donna started doing homework with Patricia every night, and that little girl actually ended up teaching Donna multiplication. Heh...yikes. Look, the point is people improve when they get external love and support. How can we hold it against them when they don't?
Until right at the end...with ten seconds left, he swung WAY up.
Michael
This is it, Your Honor. This is the whole story: NO ONE is beyond rehabilitation. Brent spent a year being an absolute diaper load of a human being and the points total tells you that, but what that number CAN'T tell you...is who he could've become tomorrow.
Michael...you came to me and said the points system was flawed. A system...that has been in place since the dawn of time and has judged every soul that has ever walked the Earth. And I have come to the conclusion...that you're right.
You're right. Humans are not fixed at one level of morality. They can always get better, which means the points system does not accurately judge how good or bad they are. You won.
The universe owes you a debt of gratitude for bringing this to my attention. Now, in terms of how we handle this moving forward, obviously, Earth is cancelled.
All humans on Earth and in the afterlife will be extinguished, and we will start the entire human race over from scratch. And you know what's so funny? In a very roundabout way, I am actually rebooting "Ally McBeal"...because I'm rebooting everything! Anyway, congrats, Michael. You won!
It's not that easy. He lived a whole life, and then 802 afterlives, and a second life, then a second afterlife, and then a third "first" afterlife, h-his psyche's like a giant bowl of M&M Peep Chili. I gotta make sure all the memories go in the right place in the right order. Maybe I just start him at the beginning, a full factory reset.
So anyone who doesn't meet the threshold for the new Medium Place Neighborhood is yours for the taking. The Bad Place still has plenty of people to torture.
I have to admit, this...DOES make sense...and I like that your side is settling for a crappy deal while my side stays mostly the same. What the hell, I'm in.
WHY should I? None of this would've happened if you hadn't mucked around with your neighborhood and your new ideas. New ideas are gross. They sicken me.
Amen. At least then, we can hold our heads high. Okay, we need to come up with our ideal plan in about ten minutes.
Michael
Guys, it's all come to this. Everything we've been through. Multiple lives you led on Earth, all the lives you led here...all the ethics training and lessons and journeys to the farthest corners of the afterlife...all happened so that we could be here, together...as the VERY BEST versions of ourselves, to solve the ultimate problem...in the nick of time.
Now, when I press this lever, Tahani will enter the scenario that Megan has designed that will test her ethical decision-making. Obviously, in the real test, the humans won't know they're being tested, but this should be a good practice run. Everyone ready?
The Judge agreed that the four of you don't need to take the test. Turns out that...saving every soul in the universe is worth a few points. You're in!
Michael
I know, I know, it's real this time. I promise. Get in.
I’m so honored by this gesture. This feels right. This will be my new purpose. Everything's falling into place.
CChuck
Great. Let's get to it. Just put on this ceremonial robe.
DDrew
Boy, do you have the shoulders for a robe.
DDaisuke
Just sign this scroll.
Michael
I've never signed my name before. What signature type to choose? Aah..."Doctor blob," or no, "Athlete who doesn't really care about the kid." Oh wait, no..."Middle school girl with crush on Zac Efron."
Michael
That way, I can put a little heart over the "I".
CChuck
Perfect, and here is your official medal.
Michael
Now I know what Mary Lou Retton feels like!
CChuck
And great, now you are officially in charge of the Good Place.
Michael
...I'm sorry, "in charge"?
CChuck
Yep, you're the boss now, that was all legally binding and we all quit, effective immediately. That is irreversible, so it's all your problem now, don't try to find us, no take-backs, okay, bye-byeeeeee!
Hi, everyone, can I have your attention, please? Hi, my name's Eleanor Shellstrop. Hope you're having fun at our Flor-izona British library extravaganza.
I guess you don't really have fun ANYWHERE, which is...the point. It doesn't seem like this is paradise for you. You've basically been on a never-ending vacation, and vacations are only special because they end.
So we have an idea. We're gonna set up a new kind of door, um, somewhere peaceful, so that when you feel happy and satisfied and complete and you want to leave the Good Place for good, you can just walk through it and your time in the universe will end.
You don't HAVE to go through it if you don't want to, but...you CAN...and hopefully, knowing that you don't HAVE to be here forever will help you feel happier while you are.
Well, we don't really know, exactly. All we know is, it will be peaceful, and your journey will be over.
Michael
You led great lives. You earned your place here. So stay here as long as you like. Use the Green Doors to see and do every single thing you want to see and do. And when you're ready, walk through one last door...and be at peace. Does that sound good?
The Good Place · 289 quotes
Michael
