Michael quotes from The Good Place

Chidi

I…I just saw a trillion different realities folding onto each other like thin sheets of metal forming…a single blade.

Michael

Yeah, yeah. The Time-Knife. We've all seen it.

Tahani

Eleanor? Michael? It is I, Tahani.

Eleanor

Yeah, we know, babe. What's wrong?

Tahani

I know John. Rather, he knows me. He's a gossip columnist who tortured me on Earth. He made it seem like I was shallow, plagued with jealousy, and prone to fits of MELODRAMA!

Eleanor

...What are you saying?

Tahani

Don't you see? The Bad Place DIDN'T pick the worst people! They picked the people who would be the worst for US!

Michael

Of course! How did I not anticipate this? Shawn didn't just choose a bunch of serial killers. He chose your tormentors or arch-rivals-

Eleanor

Or exes.

Eleanor

Those motherforkers.

Eleanor

So. The plan is to erase Chidi's memory all the way back to when the air conditioner fell on his head in his original timeline.

Michael

The Judge has given us to tomorrow morning until we have to bring in the other two subjects. Tahani. The welcome party will be tomorrow night.

Chidi

And the next time you see me, it'll be like I'm a new resident. I...won't know any of you.

Jason

So, will you remember that time in Australia when we stayed up late and ate pizza together?

Chidi

No, buddy, I won't.

Jason

Will you remember when we...ordered the pizza?

Chidi

No.

Jason

Will you...remember...pizza?

Chidi

Will I remember what pizza...is?

Chidi

Yeah. I'll still know what pizza is.

Jason

Okay, so not a total loss.

Eleanor

Brent? Come on in.

Eleanor

So you, Brent Norwalk, are dead.

Brent

Really? Well, that blows. Ah, yanno what, maybe it's a good thing, actually. Some journalist was poking around, calling all these ladies who used to work for me. You can't even make a joke these days. Everything's so PC. And I was an equal opportunity offender, okay? I made jokes about EVERYBODY. And, by the way, I'm the furthest thing from racist. My DENTIST was a black woman. I just think people need to loosen up. So where am I, exactly?

Michael

...The Good Place.

Brent

Oh, cool. Good.

Michael

Linda? How are you enjoying the Good Place?

It's good.

Michael

Everyone's flying. You don't wanna go flying...any higher?

No thanks.

Michael

Well, okay. It says in your file that you liked knitting. Would you like to do some knitting right now?

No thanks.

Michael

Is there another activity you'd like to do now? You also enjoyed...listening to birds? Man, Linda. You don't even look at them?

Eleanor

Let's go hear some birds, whaddya say?

I'm gonna get another peppermint.

Michael

No-

Eleanor

Come on, Linds. You can have literally ANYTHING you could po-

Michael

...WHAT THE-

Eleanor

Okay. So...maybe she's less boring than I thought.

Jason

Hey, hey, Mikey, can I-can I ask you something? I feel bad for making Janet's life more chaotic and unpredictable, so...here's my idea to make it up to her: me and a hundred Janet-Babies do a giant flash mob, just total unpredictable chaos all around her. Great idea, right?

Michael

Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason.

Jason

Mmm-hmm?

Michael

Sorry, I put a little cheat code in the neighborhood where if I say your name five times, my headache goes away. Do you know why I forced you to act like a monk in the original neighborhood?

Jason

Does it have to do with the TV show "Monk"?

Michael

No. It's because you have no control over your own impulses. You think every problem can be solved with a Molotov cocktail or slashing somebody's tires or plunging Derek. So being a monk was torture for you. The only way for you to repair your relationship with Janet is to give her some space. Show her you can control your impulses.

Jason

So you're saying wanting to do something isn't a good reason to immediately do it.

Michael

Yeah.

Jason

Man...I wish someone had taught me this on Earth.

Michael

People tried. Mostly judges.

Brent

Michael! Eleanor!

Eleanor

Brent, I'm so sorry, we don't know why all this is happening.

Brent

Well, I do. This chaos is clearly all about me. This is the universe telling me that I don't belong here.

Michael

Brent, what do you mean?

Brent

I don't belong in the Good Place. I mean, obviously there's a place better than this. I belong THERE. In the Best Place.

Michael

Walk me through this, Brent, I'm not sure we follow.

Brent

Well, I've been feeling this way for a while now. I mean, this can't be all the afterlife has to offer. Not to the cream of the crop. I mean, if this is Heaven, then where are my guys? Where's Scotty and Schultzy and Porcupine? Where's White Guillermo? And where is Mexican William? And what about Squirt Man?

Eleanor

He makes a good point. You know, what ABOUT Squirt Man?

Brent

Also, frankly, my assistant Janet is a little uptight. I mean, she hasn't worn ANY of my gifts.

Michael

Have you been asking Janet to make herself clothes that you...give BACK to her?

Eleanor

Yeah, you're doing the math right there, bud.

Brent

Look, this chaos which is clearly all about me is a sign. If this is the Good Place, I belong in the Best Place. So, figure it out. [slaps Michael's shoulder.] Get back to me, okay?

Eleanor

I'm gonna go punch a wall with my head, I'll meet up with you later.

Jason

Oh, hey, Eleanor, we were just talking about maybe you shouldn't be team leader. [whispers to Tahani] Saved it.

Eleanor

Go 'head, guys. Speak your mind.

It isn't personal, Eleanor. When we started this experiment, I calculated a 9% chance of success. After your first three days on the job, it's down to 7.1%. So purely from a mathematical standpoint, you ARE kinda pooching it.

Eleanor

Very helpful feedback.

Eleanor

And if I could give you some feedback...uhhh, I'd say that you're all ungrateful ashfaces who can shove your fat grumps all the way up your snork-box!

Michael

Which curses were those?

Eleanor

I didn't ask for this! I'm only doing it because Michael, who is SUPPOSED to be in charge, had a nervous breakdown the second it started! BUT! Maybe you CAN do it better than me. TAHANI can be in charge since she's so smart. Or better yet: JASON! Maybe ALL OF HUMANITY can be saved with one good, old-fashioned Jacksonville carnival!

Jason

I mean, we could try. All I need is a bouncy house, some ninja stars and a bunch of ambulances.

Eleanor

Welp! Good luck, forkfaces. I quit. Shellstrop out.

Michael

Never seen Chidi like that. He was chillaxing. Which is a word I just invented combining "Chidi" and "relaxing".

Eleanor

Yeah, I guess once you have the burden of saving humanity removed from your brain, life is dandy. Must be nice, Chidi.

Michael

That's what's missing. Chidi isn't being tortured. As far as he's concerned, he did everything right on Earth, so now he just gets to enjoy himself. If we don't force Chidi into stressful decision-making, he won't even have a chance to become a better person!

Eleanor

Right! You wanna make a pearl, you gotta get some sand in your clam!

Michael

Oyster. We need Chidi to live in a world of low-grade dread.

Eleanor

I've got this. I have a TON of experience making ex-boyfriends' lives miserable. First up: we fill his acoustic guitar with wet cat food.

Eleanor

Judge me all you want. I get results.

Jason

Dude! Thanks to you, my dream came true! I have a shiny new budhole! You okay, homey?

Chidi

NO! I've had a stomachache for a week, there have been WAY too many close calls! Please, I beg you: no more meatball subs. No more drawing boobs in the dirt. I cannot lie to cover for you, PLEASE REMEMBER you're supposed to be a MONK.

Chidi

'AAAAAAAAAY Eleanor and Michael are here, what a fun surprise!

Michael

You've done some redecorating!

Chidi

Uh, YES, my apartment was decorated in one way and now it has been...RE-decorated.

Eleanor

And how is Jianyu?

Chidi

I mean, you know how monks are. Calm. Peaceful. Never, you know...shotgunning Cheez Whiz. What monk would do that NO MONK. Anyway...I see you guys are still here!

Michael

We're just dropping by to ask a favor. Can you accompany Jianyu to the luau tonight? He still isn't really engaging with the neighborhood, we were hoping you could help him break out of his shell.

Chidi

...Actually, I don't think I can make it.

Eleanor

Oh! Why not?

Chidi

I just remembered...I CAN make it, so I will see you there. 'Kay. Bye!

Michael

So...Chidi's set with Jason now. How are you doing?

Eleanor

A little better. But still terrible.

Michael

You were torturing him because that's what we had to do.

Eleanor

I know. I went too far. And what's worse: I LIKED it....because I'm angry at him...for leaving me...which isn't even REMOTELY fair because he sacrificed himself for us, but I'm still angry he abandoned me. Which makes me feel guilty which makes me angry WHICH MAKES ME wanna talk to Chidi because he's the person I go to when I'm angry. So...it's a real fun cycle.

Michael

I still don't have a grip on the human emotional spectrum. You guys are often happy when you should be sad, angry when you should be happy and texting when you should be driving, which is not an emotion, I know, but...it's-it's insane. The point is: in THIS case, even if it's not rational, you're ALLOWED to feel a little angry. Let yourself off the hook. Process it, work your way thorugh it, and then get your shirt together because we have a lot of work to do.

Michael

Whoever you are, show yourself.

Oh....hold on, the hood is caught in my glasses.

Hi. I'm Glenn from the Bad Place.

Michael

What are you doing here?

Eleanor

Yeah, what do you want, creep?

No one knows I'm here, and I have some important information. Eleanor, I need to speak with you alone.

Eleanor

Whatever you need to say to me, you can say right here.

I don't think I should. It would lead to a very uncomfortable social situation.

Eleanor

SAY IT.

...That's not Michael. That's Vicky the demon in a Michael suit and she's sabotaging your experiment.

You see? It's-it's uncomfortable.

Eleanor

Okay, here's where I'm at: I just don't know if I can ever trust you. I'm gonna call the Judge, we'll start over. We won't have Chidi in the mix, but he'll be on our side again, which is almost as good.

Tahani

But we know the humans now. Starting over sounds exhausting!

Eleanor

I know, but if that's not Michael, he could sabotage us in ways we can't even perceive, and even if it is, I can't fully trust him, so every time something goes wrong, a little part of me is gonna wonder. We have to start over.

Michael

I have a better idea: I'm gonna blow myself up.

WHAT?

Michael

I'll blow myself up. That way, you can continue the experiment with Chidi as one of the people, which is our best chance to ever be successful.

Eleanor

Why not just lock you in a room or in Janet's void or something?

Michael

But then you might worry that I'd escape. I blow myself up, I'm out of your hair for good. Well...parts of me will be in your ACTUAL hair, but you get it.

Tahani

Michael? Wait.

Michael

Tahani, this is the only way. There's literally nothing I can say that will make you realize that I'm really me.

Michael

Oh boy...this is gonna suck. Hopefully, I will see you all in a few months. Good luck. Oh, and make sure that you, uh, get all of me into the container, or I might come back, uh...way shorter and that would bum me out.

Michael

I wish I were saying this in different circumstances, but...take it sleazy.

Jason

Michael, wait!

Oh, crud-nuts!

Jason

Hey, Mikey, I have a question about our plan to save Janet. Is there it yet?

Michael

I do have a plan, yes. But to be honest, I have no idea if it will work.

Jason

Maybe Glenn could help. Yo, Glenn, how should we rescue Janet?

Jason

He doesn't know.

Michael

Listen, Jason, old friend, I already gave Eleanor and Tahani all their afterlife memories back. I haven't restored yours...f-for obvious reasons. But I think to maximize our chances of survival, it's time that you remember everything we've been through. Now prepare yourself. This might be intense.

Jason

Oooooooooooooooooh DIIIIIIIIIIIIP-

Michael

Do you remember everything?

Jason

YES. Last time I was in the Bad Place, I threw a Molotov cocktail! That was sick.

Michael

I was afraid that you'd watch 300 years of memories and that would be your takeaway. Buddy, I did that to help you know what NOT to do. Impulse control is critical. Fight the urge to blow stuff up, even if you feel like we're in a jam. Got it?

Jason

I mean...that's very lame...but yeah. I understand.

Jason

Wait, can I have all my memories back again? I forgot most of them.

Shawn

All right, idiots. This is Hour 52 of the 4,000-hour presentation on the future of torture.

Jason

He's gonna be on stage for 4,000 hours?

Michael

Shh.

Jason

Here's what I think: we should throw a Molotov-

Michael

Jason!

Jason

What? I didn't say "cocktail"! I could have meant "Molotov anything", you don't know.