Sophia Petrillo quotes from The Golden Girls

My God! They've been murdered! [goes back to original position nonchalantly]

Sophia

[coming from the bathroom] Does this mean we don't get any birthday cake?

Rose

[pointing at the maitre'd] The butler did it!

I'm a maitre'd.

Rose

Thank you. [points again] The maitre'd did it!

Philip did it!

Gloria did it!

Sophia

It was Colonel Mustard in the library with the candlestick. [sees that everyone is staring at her] Oh, she says the butler did it and I'm the idiot?

Rose

I got it! A maitre'd is some kind of waiter!

[when Dorothy presents a bit of her theory] This woman's pathetic!

Sophia

[sarcastically] Oh, big news. Tear out the front page!

Dorothy

behind Sophia with a knife A throat is almost always cut from behind...

Sophia

Not part of the show, people! NOT PART OF THE SHOW!

Dorothy

Last evening, at dinner, when Ms. McGlynn saw Blanche give Kendall Nesbit her key, she was furious. She dropped a steak knife into her purse,—

Sophia

Big deal. I took a whole place setting—

Dorothy

[shouting angrily] NOT NOW, MA!

Blanche

There's just one hitch. I need three more people to get the group rate at the hotel.

Sophia

I thought hotels always gave you the group rate.

Rose

Yes, sweetheart, but this is for the whole night!

Blanche

How could I be accused of murder?! I am a Devereaux! Things like this usually happen to people named... Petrillo!

Sophia

I take offense at that! No one in my family ever--EVER--left a body to be found!

Sophia

[to Dorothy] Thank you, Pussycat.

Oh, you're Pussycat, too?

Dorothy

I am Pussycat One. You are Pussycat Two.

Blanche

Alright, here we go, good luck ladies. [reads a ballot] Dorothy. [reads another vote] Dorothy. [reads the third vote] Dorothy. [reads the final vote, more quickly] ...Dorothy.

Sophia

Well, that's that, lets eat, I'm starved.

Dorothy

Now wait a minute! How did this happen!?

Sophia

We all voted for you.

Blanche

Well, Dorothy it's your own damn fault. Why did you vote for yourself?

Dorothy

Well, I just assumed that everyone would vote for Rose, and I didn't want a sweep to hurt her feelings.

Blanche

I guess that would hurt.

Dorothy

[voice breaking] It DOES!

Sophia

Gimme that![snatches box from Dorothy]

Dorothy

What's in the box, Ma?

Sophia

Mexican jumping beans.

Dorothy

Ma!

Sophia

Excuse me, Hispanic jumping beans.

Sophia

All right Dorothy, I'll tell you. I was married to another man before your father. It was an arranged marriage that I later had annuled.

Dorothy

And?

Sophia

And I killed him just to watch him die. What do you mean "and"!?

Dorothy

[to Sophia, after Rose explains to Dorothy that the reason she gave the ring back to Miles was because Charlie "spoke" to her in Sophia's body] You're a horrible little person.

Sophia

Come on. Like you never pretended to be possessed by someone's dead husband for a couple of laughs.

Dorothy

You know, you have really ruined Rose's relationship with Miles.

Sophia

If you could have seen her face when I talked like Charlie-- I almost wet myself!

Dorothy

Listen, you vindictive little sea monkey. You are going to tell Rose the truth.

Sophia

Or?

Dorothy

Remember Shady Pines?

Sophia

Yeah, it wasn't so bad.

Dorothy

I hear they sold it to some Germans.

Sophia

[gets up from the table and goes after Rose] Rose! Rose, wait up, Rose!

Rose

[showing off the ring] Hi everyone. If I seem a little giddy, it's because... look what Miles gave me!

Sophia

[examining Rose's hand] Liver spots?

Dorothy

[on her father] I felt like there was something wrong with me, like he wasn't proud of me.

Sophia

He was proud of you! In fact, I remember him saying, "Anyone would want a daughter like this." Of course, he was saying it to the gypsies.

Dorothy

[angrily] Look, I don't have to listen to this. Have you any idea how it makes me feel when you say things like that?!

Sophia

No. After I'm dead, drop me a note.

Dorothy

You know, I never had a sponge cake that was quite so......moist.

Extremely moist.

Rose

The moistest.

Sophia

I found the tea rather moist as well. [Dorothy gives her a look]

Sophia

I can't be uncomfortable too?