Sophia Petrillo quotes from The Golden Girls

Dorothy

I will never forgive that airline as long as I live!

Blanche

I cannot believe they lost all our luggage! Now I have to go an entire weekend without underwear!

Sophia

Yeah. You usually slip into a pair by Sunday afternoon.

Rose

God, I hate fog!

Sophia

Why? You spent most of your life in one!

Rose

I meant, if it were clearer we could see Mount Losenbaden.

Blanche

What's Mount Losenbaden?

Rose

It's kinda like Mount Rushmore, except they sculpted four losers of Presidential elections in the mountainside. Let's see - there was Alf Landon, Wendell Willkie, and Adlai Stevenson and Adlai Stevenson.

Blanche

Why are there two Adlai Stevensons?

Dorothy

Oh, Blanche, isn't it obvious? He lost twice... [panicking] Oh God, it's making SENSE!

Dorothy

[calling to Sophia at the front of the donkey-drawn wagon] How're you doing up there, Ma?

Sophia

Fine!

Blanche

Sophia, why don't you want to sit back here with us, honey?

Sophia

Because after three days on the road with you guys, this jackass smells better!

Thank you!

Sophia

It's great bringing two idiots closer together.

Dorothy

I think that's the motto of the St. Olaf telephone company.

Sophia

These two [Blanche and Rose]are driving me crazy! They scratch the furniture, they eat food off the floor, and this one just coughed up a hairball!

Rose

It wasn't a hairball, it was...

Dorothy

Oh Rose, who CARES what it was! Now stop driving Ma crazy!

Rose

Dorothy, our director said in order to prepare for our roles we must become cats. [to Sophia] That's why I've been playing with your ball of yarn, and Blanche has been making those high-pitched squealing sounds in her room at night.

Dorothy

You've been practicing for this role for a lifetime, haven't you Blanche?

Sophia

[enters kitchen, crying] Esther Weinstock is dead. We grew up together. She was my best friend.

Dorothy

Oh, I'm so sorry! What happened?

Sophia

[sarcastically] She was fighting an oil-rig fire in the Gulf of Mexico. [snapping] SHE WAS 88!

Rose

Well, it's great that she was able to work right up to the end.

Dorothy

When is the funeral?

Sophia

Wednesday.

Dorothy

I'll go back to Brooklyn with you.

Sophia

[leaves kitchen] I'm not going, and you know why!

Rose

I guess the body was lost at sea.

Rose

Don't you have to be a virgin to wear a white wedding dress?

Sophia

Please, the last time I was a virgin, the Louisiana Purchase was still in escrow.

Sophia

According to Sicilian custom, I can't get married unless I have you-know-who's blessing.

Rose

Whose?

Sophia

Dick Clark! Dorothy, you idiot!

Rose

Dorothy, your mother's talking to you.

Sophia

Dorothy, I spoke to your Aunt Regina in Sicily this morning to tell her about the wedding, she told me I'm in for some very bad luck unless I get the blessing of my eldest daughter or my child with the most facial hair. Either way, all arrows point to you.

Dorothy

Ma, you know how I feel. I cannot give you my blessing.

Sophia

Dorothy, I love you, but if you ruin my happiness, I will put a Sicilian curse on you that will be like hell on earth!

Dorothy

Ma, you can't put a Sicilian curse on your eldest daughter if the mother is marrying a man under five-foot-seven! You're not the only one with Aunt Regina's phone number.

Sophia

Damn MCI.

Blanche

Now listen Dorothy, you can quit smoking. Do it the same way I did it: just taper off - smoke only after sex!

Sophia

Good idea. One pack'll last her a lifetime!

Dorothy

[trying to convince the bodyguard at the thrift shop to hand over the aviator jacket with the winning lottery ticket inside] Look, if you don't mind, I would like to see this Michael.

You and the rest of Miami! Sorry, the entire engagement is SOLD OUT! Michael! [tosses jacket over the heads of the other bodyguards and into the clutches of a person wearing a black sequined glove; the bodyguards leave]

Blanche

OH! Do you know who that is?!

Sophia

Sure! It's the guy from the Pepsi commercials!

Rose

Pepsi commercial? ... Michael? ... Oh my God, that's Michael J. Fox!!!

Rose

[after the girls lose the auction for the aviator jacket] I guess now I'll never get to fly on the Concord!

Blanche

And I'll never get to buy that emerald pendant to dangle between my perky bosoms.

Sophia

And I'll never get to buy perky bosoms.

Dorothy

[about football] Little bodies don't like it when big bodies fall on them.

Sophia

Which is why Raymond Burr never married!

Sophia

[entering the house with the football team] Make way for the victors!

Rose

You won the big game?

Sophia

[sarcastically] No Rose, we lost and we all changed our names to Victor.

Sophia

Gin!

Blanche

Sophia, we're playin' Hearts.

Sophia

I know, I felt like drinking some. If I'm gonna get through a boring Saturday night with you two, I'll need a buzz.

Rose

[to Dorothy, Blanche and Sophia] Were you three listening to our conversation?!

Dorothy

Absolutely not. You know we would never eavesdrop.

Sophia

They made me do it. When I turn my hearing-aid up to ten, I can hear a canary break wind in Lauderdale!