Rose Nylund quotes from The Golden Girls

Sophia

[to Rose] There's a man in your bed.

Rose

...Sophia, there's not!

Blanche

[to Rose] Why, you devil, you!

Dorothy

So that was what we heard! Rose!

Blanche

Rose got lucky!

Sophia

Not so lucky. The man in your bed is dead.

Blanche

Who is he?

Rose

His name is Al.

Blanche

No, I mean what does he do?

Rose

He imports diamonds.

Blanche

Oh, damn, I hope he's not dead!

Sophia

Fine, let a dead guy lie there. It's gonna be 98 degrees today. It won't be pretty.

Dorothy

Oh, I'm sure he's not dead. Rose, go look.

Rose

Come on Dorothy, he's sleeping. I don't want to wake him.

Sophia

You could light firecrackers in his nostrils, you won't wake him.

Blanche

[recalling the night her husband died] The night George died, the telephone rang and a highway patrolman said, "Pardon me, ma'am, do you have a yellow convertible and a husband named George?" I said, "Yes, of course, good grief, what's happened?" and he said, "Hold on, ma'am." Put me on hold with that music while you wait. I sat there at two in the morning listenin' to Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass. And then, after an eternity, he comes back on the line eatin' chips. And he says, "Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am, but I'm the only one here, my phone's been ringin' off the hook." And I said, "Officer, what about my husband?" And then he said - crunchin' his chips - "Oh, he's dead. Wrong way driver hit him head-on. Totally dead, ma'am (crunch crunch)."

Dorothy

Oh, no!

Blanche

Puts me on hold and then eats Doritos while he tells me my life is over! [about telling Mrs. Beatty about Al's death] Oh, Rose has to tell her. Rose won't eat chips.

Rose

I never eat chips, I don't like 'em. They fall in my bra.

Rose

My granddaughter wants to be an astronaut.

Not really, grandma. I just want to meet boys who want to be astronauts.

Blanche

Me too!

Sophia

[interrupting Rose's conversation with Charley] Are you two coming? The spaghetti is getting cold!

Rose

We'll be there in a minute, Sophia. We're in the middle of a makeup lesson.

Sophia

I hope the kid can help ya. You wear more rouge than Miss Piggy.

Rose

[telling a story that is supposed to relate to Blanche's problem with Lucy, about a time she snuck into a nearby city to meet a boy she liked at a gin mill] I marched right up to the door, and I ran right into Reverend McKenzie, coming out of the bar on the arm of Millie Beasley, wife of Emmett Beasley, our town's most decorated war hero. Emmett received three Purple Hearts - all for head wounds. He ran the feed store in our town. Of course, if the truth be known, Millie was the one who had to make change for the customers.

Dorothy

Rose, are you telling a story or performing Our Town?

Rose

Oh, sorry. Anyway, Reverend McKenzie made a deal with me. He said if I didn't tell on him, he wouldn't tell on me. So I went home.

Blanche

Well, did he keep your secret?

Rose

Till the day he died - which was two days later. Emmett found Millie and the reverend skinny-dipping in the church's fountain, and shot the both of them. A week later, we became Lutherans.

Blanche

Rose, that isn't a teenage rebellion story. That is a changing religion story. That is a big "WHO CARES?" story. THAT IS A "WHY THE HELL TELL IT IN THE FIRST PLACE" STORY!!!

I hope I wasn't too much trouble.

Rose

Don't be silly.

Dorothy

We enjoyed having you.

Sophia

So did half of Miami.

Rose

It wasn't a rat! It was a cute little mouse.

Dorothy

Rose, it doesn't wear white gloves and work at Disneyland! We're talking about a rodent!

Rose

Sophia, do you think it's wrong for a girl to sleep with a man she's only known a few hours?

Sophia

It's a sin.

Rose

See! Sophia agrees with me.

Sophia

All I said was it's a sin. Personally I'd go back to eating fish on Fridays if His Holiness gave that one the green light.

Blanche

Rose, what I didn't tell you was... when I was five, Mamma enrolled me in a tap-dancing class. For six months we practiced. One hour a day, two days a week. And I was good. I was cute, and I was good. Real good. Then finally, it came time for the night of the recital. And there were thirteen little girls up there with our little Shirley Temple curls, and our little starched white pinafores, and our little Mary Jane shoes. Then they opened the curtain and the music started and twelve little girls started to dance. And one little girl wet her pants. That girl in the puddle was me. [laughs] I have never told that to another living soul, Rose. You see, I thought I had overcome my fear, honey, but I just haven't and performing is a nightmare for me.

Rose

[sternly] Hey, we've all got our sad stories. Look, Blanche, we've practiced for six weeks, we've paid for our costumes, we told everybody we'd be there, now you're not going to wimp out on me. You're going to go to that recital. And if you end up in a puddle tonight, well, you'd just better break in to Singin' in the Rain!

Rose

Dorothy, if the Egyptians built the pyramids, now we can move this toilet.

Dorothy

Fine, get me 20,000 Hebrews and I'll have it out of here in no time.

Dorothy

Honey, do you know what's behind that wall that you're banging on?

Rose

A lateral fusion pipe.

Dorothy

And do you know what's on the other side of that lateral fusion pipe?

Rose

No...

Dorothy

MY HEAD!!!

Rose

I'm sorry. It's just that I was so excited - I think I might have stumbled on something that could change the future of plumbing as we know it!

Dorothy

Great, Rose. Call the Ty-D-Bol Man. He'll jump in his boat and spread the news.

Rose

Little Richard was in Bermuda?!

Dorothy

Yes, Rose, he was burying Fats Domino in the sand.

Blanche

Oh girls, I am devastated, just devastated.

Dorothy

What happened?

Blanche

I asked my teacher for help like you all told me to. He said the only way I would get an A on his final is if I sleep with him.

Rose

No!

Blanche

Oh yes. I just don't know what to do!

Sophia

Get it in writing!