“In A Bed of Rose's” quotes from The Golden Girls

Rose

I can't tell her her husband died in my bed.

Sophia

Tell her you went to turn on the sprinklers, and you found him on the lawn.

Rose

That's not bad...

Dorothy

Oh, Rose.

Rose

Well, I've never had to do this before! Tell a wife that her husband's been cheating on her with me! That's the hardest thing ever to have to tell anybody.

Blanche

Oh, no, it's not! How about having to tell a pregnant woman that her husband's been cheating on her...with her own sister...and you're the sister...and you're pregnant too. By her husband.

Dorothy

You...didn't!

Blanche

Not me! Last night on Dallas! Or Dynasty or Falcon's Landing, or one of those, they're all the same.

Rose

Oh! I thought you were the one-

Blanche

Oh please! I could never do a thing like that. And if you ever saw my brother-in-law, you'd know why!

Sophia

[to Rose] There's a man in your bed.

Rose

...Sophia, there's not!

Blanche

[to Rose] Why, you devil, you!

Dorothy

So that was what we heard! Rose!

Blanche

Rose got lucky!

Sophia

Not so lucky. The man in your bed is dead.

Blanche

Who is he?

Rose

His name is Al.

Blanche

No, I mean what does he do?

Rose

He imports diamonds.

Blanche

Oh, damn, I hope he's not dead!

Sophia

Fine, let a dead guy lie there. It's gonna be 98 degrees today. It won't be pretty.

Dorothy

Oh, I'm sure he's not dead. Rose, go look.

Rose

Come on Dorothy, he's sleeping. I don't want to wake him.

Sophia

You could light firecrackers in his nostrils, you won't wake him.

Blanche

[recalling the night her husband died] The night George died, the telephone rang and a highway patrolman said, "Pardon me, ma'am, do you have a yellow convertible and a husband named George?" I said, "Yes, of course, good grief, what's happened?" and he said, "Hold on, ma'am." Put me on hold with that music while you wait. I sat there at two in the morning listenin' to Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass. And then, after an eternity, he comes back on the line eatin' chips. And he says, "Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am, but I'm the only one here, my phone's been ringin' off the hook." And I said, "Officer, what about my husband?" And then he said - crunchin' his chips - "Oh, he's dead. Wrong way driver hit him head-on. Totally dead, ma'am (crunch crunch)."

Dorothy

Oh, no!

Blanche

Puts me on hold and then eats Doritos while he tells me my life is over! [about telling Mrs. Beatty about Al's death] Oh, Rose has to tell her. Rose won't eat chips.

Rose

I never eat chips, I don't like 'em. They fall in my bra.