Rose Nylund quotes from The Golden Girls

Rose

[quizzing Blanche] Whose theory states a young man becomes intimate with his mother to get revenge on his father?

Blanche

Well, I don't know who said it, but my second cousin Arlen did it.

Dorothy

I am exhausted. I went to at least a dozen ticket brokers today. They all told me the only way I'm going to get tickets is to go to a scalper.

Rose

Oh, you can't buy from a scalper! That's a crime!

Dorothy

So is eating grapes at the supermarket but you do that all the time.

Rose

I have to test them!

Dorothy

Rose, one is testing. Fourteen is brunch.

Rose

My God, I'm a criminal!

Dorothy

[on why she was afraid to talk in class as a child] I had a slight speech impediment. I mean, it's different for kids these days, you know, they have Barbara Walters to look up to. But in those days, it really stood out, you know? Oh, I don't know, it must have taken three months before I could muster up the courage, you know, to talk to Mrs. Lenhoff, but it turned out to be the smartest thing I could have done, because not only did she help me, you know, with the speech problem, she was the one who inspired me to go into the teaching profession.

Blanche

You know what, I think tomorrow after class, I will talk to Professor Cooper.

Dorothy

Good girl!

Rose

Whatever happened to your teacher, Mrs. Lenhoff?

Dorothy

Oh gosh, the last I heard, she retired from teaching and opened a bed and breakfast someplace in Whode Island. [pauses] ... Rhode Island.

Rose

I got tickets too. This is such a coincidence. I was driving down Biscayne Boulevard--

Blanche

No, no, no, no! Please, I cannot bear that again. She was listening to her car radio, Big Band, not All Talk. There was a contest. Something about a little voice, a lucky number, a dime and a doorhandle. Then bim bam boom, she won the tickets!

Dorothy

Take a lesson, Rose. That's how you tell a story.

Rose

I'm a very patient person. I once waited two whole weeks for a sty to go away. Every night I'd close my eyes and I'd picture it getting smaller and smaller, and one morning I woke up and it was gone!

Dorothy

Ma, you okay?

Sophia

I'm fine. I'm just trying to make Rose go away.

Rose

Nils Feelander attempted to harass me repeatedly.

Blanche

What do you mean, he attempted to?

Rose

He worked at Lars Eriksson's Drugstore and Tackle Shop, he was the soda jerk. Now that I think about it, he was the town jerk. Every Saturday afternoon I'd go in and have a sundae. Well, Nils would arrange the ice cream scoops in an obscene way. I could never prove it, because by the time I would take it home to show my father, the evidence had...

Melted.

Rose

Yeah. To this day, every time I pass an ice cream parlor or a tackle shop, I blush!

Blanche

All right, I want an answer and I want it NOW! Which one of you has been dippin' into my Vicks Vapo-Rub?

Rose

I took it, and my chest was already completely coated. I did it out of spite because you lost the pre-measured cap off my Ny-Quil!

Dorothy

Rose, I took your stupid cup and you know why? Because I feel lousy and being mean to you makes me feel better!

Rose

Dorothy Zbornak, you can go straight to H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks!

Dorothy

"Double Hockey Sticks"?

Blanche

Must you do that?!

Rose

She can't help it Blanche, she has to blow her nose. Or is that a banana.

Rose

And nobody wants me around.

Blanche

Oh, honey, we want you around, we just can't afford to pay you!

Dorothy

Barry [Glick] was the man that I wanted to be the first.

Rose

First where?

Dorothy

On Mars, Rose! My first lover!

Blanche

Well, so what happened?

Dorothy

Stanley, that's what happened, Stanley. I went to a drive-in with Stanley. He said he was being shipped off to Korea, would probably die, and it would mean so much. That was my part of the war effort. It took three seconds. I wasn't sure that we had done anything, actually, until nine months later when the baby came. Then I figured out that we had. You know, that was my only proof.

Rose

(superior) I waited until my wedding night.

Rose

[while reading her phone messages] Why, oh why can't grief take a holiday?

Dorothy

Oh, it does Rose, it does. Eventually, it comes to Miami like everyone else.

Rose

It's terrible, just terrible! I am so upset.

Dorothy

Rose, Rose, honey, sit down sweetheart, tell us all about it. Ma, would you get Rose some water?

Sophia

What is she going to do with water? Has water ever made you feel better when you were upset? Have you ever heard anyone say: 'Thank God, the water's here'? Call me when dinner is ready.

Lily

Girls, I'm feeling a little chilly. I think I'll go and get my sweater.

Rose

Oh, no, I'll get that, I'll get that for you.

Lily

Oh, Rose, for heaven sakes, I can find my own way. [the girls frantically move all the boxes from her path] I know you're trying to help, but if I could pilot my own plane cross-country during a storm, I can certainly find my way across the room! [reaches the hallway, turns to face the girls] There. Now, do you see that I don't need anybody's help?

Lily

[holds up a pink dress] Do you see this dress, Rose? It's my favorite.

Rose

It's awfully pretty.

Lily

It's my favorite because it's the only one I can clearly remember. I remember what it looks like, and I remember what it looks like on me, and because of that I wear it all the time!

Rose

You'll adjust...

Lily

I don't want to adjust! I want to be the person that I used to be!

Rose

But you have to face the truth, you need help! Now you can deal with it, but you can't do it all by yourself!

Lily

[crying] Rose, all my life I've done everything I wanted to do, nothing's ever stood in my way before. For the past six months that's how I've been trying to deal with everything! I thought that I could overcome this thing by myself! I guess that deep down inside I thought I could make it go away. But I can't. Every morning when I wake up it's still there, and that terrifies me! Rose, I do need your help. That's why I came to Miami, to ask you to come home with me! Oh Rose, please come home with me! I can't make it by myself! [Lily and Rose embrace as Lily sobs]

Blanche

[telling a story about "guilt"] Just about the time that George and I were getting serious, he was shipped off to Korea. Well, I wanted to do my part for the war effort so I took a job in a factory that made canteens. I figured that one of the canteens that I had riveted would find its way to George, and his lips would drink from the galvanized spout I had so lovingly fashioned, thereby symbolically reuniting us.

Rose

Blanche, that's a beautiful reason to take that job.

Blanche

Well, that wasn't the only reason. That factory also had a comprehensive dental plan, and I was in desperate need of a bridge and two crowns.

Dorothy

War is hell.

Blanche

So were my teeth. Anyway, while I was working on the assembly line, I met a young man named Andrew Beandorf. Oh, it was just a platonic thing, we just went out to the movies and dinner, but when George came home on leave, he was furious. He accused me unjustly of infidelity, while he was off fightin' in some foreign land, some God-forsaken land where people didn't even believe in Jesus, and he forbade me ever to see Andrew again. So of course I didn't.

Dorothy

So you lost a good friend, just because George made you feel guilty about it.

Blanche

That's right. I lost a good friend, and a wonderful companion, and an excellent lover!

Rose

An excellent lover???

Blanche

[laughing] Did I say excellent lover? I meant excellent riveter.

Dorothy

I can understand how you could confuse the two.