Rose Nylund quotes from The Golden Girls

Al Mullins

I'd like to ask you about your next-door neighbors, the McDowells.

They're not who you think they are.

Rose

You mean we invited the wrong people to dinner?

Rose

I'll do it, I'll be the plant.

Sophia

You are a plant.

Rose

[listening to a planted bug] They keep talking about that noodlehead in the red dress. Could that be code language?

Dorothy

Only to the noodlehead in the red dress.

Rose

[about Martha, a new neighbor] I followed her through the store and wrote down everything she bought.

Dorothy

Rose, they steal jewels, not Gino's Pizza Rolls!

Rose

You're the one who always complains that her birthday parties are dull and boring. When I saw Mr. Ha Ha's advertised on television, it looked like fun.

Dorothy

For a five year old, Rose. Or someone who thinks like one!

Dorothy

Did you finish the decorations, Rose?

Rose

No, not yet. I, I kinda got sidetracked. [reveals a mouse-like balloon sculpture] Look. [laughs]

Dorothy

This is what you've been doing for the past forty-five minutes?

Rose

Uh-huh. Isn't he cute? I call him Scotty. [Dorothy pops the balloon]

Dorothy

Now you can call him garbage.

Sophia

Besides, you think I'd ruin Roberta's milestone birthday?

Rose

Milestone? She's 88.

Sophia

Right. After 80, every year without a headstone is a milestone!

Rose

[on why she loves washing dishes] In Minnesota, the whole family'd get together and wash dishes. Even Uncle Gustav, after the giant Swiss Army Knife accident, learned to dry dishes with his feet. We used to laugh and carry on and have such a happy time.

Sophia

What is it with you people? All you ever had were happy times?! It's sickening! Happy times freezing in the cold, happy times during the locust invasion, happy times eating reindeer! How about death, did you have happy times then?

Rose

Yes, actually, we did. It was a chance to get together and remember other happy times!

Sophia

She's beginning to get to me.

Blanche

Girls, guess what I found. [takes a teddy bear from behind her back] Fernando!

Rose

That's not Fernando.

Blanche

Well what do you mean that's not Fernando? How could you tell?

Rose

All you have to do is look in his eyes.

Dorothy

Or at the price tag stuck to his back.

Sophia

I'm making a scarf for a friend I don't have anymore.

Rose

I know exactly how you feel. [holds up a pair of teddy bear-sized overalls] I made these for Fernando.

Blanche

Rose, see, honey, Fernando doesn't exactly belong to you anymore. Well I kinda gave him to Daisy by mistake. So, you understand now-just a silly misunderstanding! See? [everyone except Rose is laughing nervously]

Rose

No. Get him back. I want my teddy!

Blanche

But honey, she's a child! You can't expect a child to give back a toy! Now, you do understand, don't you?

Rose

Just cut the crap and get back the damn bear!

Blanche

So that's when this saleman from men's sportswear walks clear across the store into ladies' petite and says, "Oh excuse me, miss, but I noticed you've been having a hard time deciding between the turquoise strapless and the flaming red backless. Well, personally I'd like to see you in the backless." And I said, "When?" And he said, "How about Saturday night?" And I said, "How about in your dreams, sleazo!" Can you believe the nerve of that guy?

Rose

What were you doing in ladies petite?

Sophia

[referring to who's buying her breakfast] It's Alvin.

Rose

Alvin from the boardwalk?

Sophia

No Rose, Alvin from The Chipmunks.

Hello.

Dorothy

What do you want?

Well...I decided that it was wrong to ask for all those gifts.

Blanche

Oh, see, Dorothy? I knew that she was a sensible kid! She just needed-

I've decided that cash is better. That way I can buy exactly what I want.

Blanche

...I'll get my purse.

Rose

No, Blanche, I'm not going to let you do that. I've thought long and hard about this. If after all those years of love and companionship it's time for Fernando and I to part, well...I guess I have to accept that.

Rose

I guess we all learned something here today. Sometimes, life just isn't fair, kiddo.

Dorothy

Hi, Rose.

Blanche

We brought dinner.

Rose

What'd you get?

Dorothy

[gestures with the pizza box] A bucket of chicken. I hope you like it extra flat and crispy.