Blanche Devereaux quotes from The Golden Girls

Blanche

I'm nothing but a cheap, tawdry, slut.

Rose

Let me guess....is it Blanche!

Blanche

Oh my god, I can't believe I'm saying this. Blanche Deveraux has lost her sex appeal. [leaves kitchen]

Sophia

They're always the last to know.

This is all very confusing. Now, I'm supposed to meet a Dorothy Zbornak at this address at 7:30 for a dinner date. So which one of you is really Dorothy Zbornak?

Blanche

[grinning from ear to ear] I am Dorothy's...best friend, Blanche. I'm filling in for her because she's dead. [takes his hand and leaves]

Blanche

Dorothy, where are the Ural Mountains?

Dorothy

Well, well, well, Blanche, a pound of make-up and a tube of lip gloss can't help you now, can they?

Blanche

I don't need you anyway. [touches guy next to her] Hey, show me yours and I'll show you mine.

Blanche

[after an unpleasant experience at the shoe store with Sophia] Sophia, there's something I don't understand. Now, you're always a bit ornery, unpleasant, impolite, even downright mean. That's part of your charm.

Sophia

Thank you, you bedhopping relic.

Blanche

[pops Sophia's balloon from the shoe store]

Blanche

I have a little exercise I do whenever my self-esteem is kind of low. I say my name and then I list three positive things about myself. I'm Blanche Devereaux. I'm beautiful, men find me desirable, and people want to be my friend. Go on, now you try.

Dorothy

Oh, Blanche.

Blanche

Oh, please. Please.

Dorothy

[Sighing] Oh. I'm Dorothy Zbornak, I'm beautiful, men find me desirable and people want to be my friend.

Blanche

Sorry, I confused you honey. You're supposed to say three positive things that apply to you. You know, like you could say, I'm Dorothy Zbornak...I'm a good speller, and um....I'm very prompt, and um..... well actually there's..., there's no law that says there has to be three.

Dorothy

Actually, I just thought of a third one; I can snap a friend's neck like a twig.

Blanche

Oh Myrtle, thank goodness you got here! You're just the person we need to liven up this party. Do some of those impressions you're so good at.

[sobbing] Oh God, oh God, oh God!

Blanche

[laughing] Jimmy Swaggart, right? That's wonderful, do another one.

The last time I saw her she was fine. I didn't even know she was sick. What happened?

Blanche

Wait, don't tell me... Klaus von Bulow?

Carol

Hi, Blanche. I was sitting home feeling sorry for myself so I thought I'd do some risk taking and invite myself over. Here I am, totally vulnerable. Taking a chance. I am so proud of me.

Carol

You know, that would have devastated the old me, but the new me? Just an emotional owie and do you know why? Because I like myself!

Carol

The new me is starting to get honked off. Look, I'm lonely and scared and you're having a party. Can I come in or not?

Blanche

Look, Carol, I am going to be honest here. I took great pains with this guest list and frankly there is room here for only one young, attractive female.

Carol

[dashing inside] Ooh, then I just got in under the wire!

Carol

Excuse me, Blanche. I think I'm gonna leave. I'm not having such a good time.

Blanche

Oh, what a relief to know it isn't just me.

Carol

It's like every man here just wants to sleep with me. Even the Rabbi with the limp!

Oh, you know how I feel about organized religion, it makes me crazy. And I do not want Sarah's head filled with stories about a God who may or may not exist.

Blanche

Well, honey, of course He exists! Just look at the beautiful sky, the majestic trees. God created man and gave him a heart and a mind and thighs that could crack walnuts.

[putting an arm around Sarah] Mother!

Blanche

Oh, I'm sorry... I came to religion late.

I'd say.

Blanche

But it's never too late! And it is my fervent hope that the three of us, you and I and dear little Sarah, may walk the path of righteousness together. And now if you'll excuse me, I have Gideon Bibles for everyone. [leaves room]

I miss "sexy" Grandma.

I'm sure a lot of people do, darlin', I'm sure a lot of people do.

Blanche

Where've you been?

Rose

When no one was looking, I went by the No-Show table and I got four name tags for us! Blanche, you'll be Susan Armstrong... [gives Blanche a name tag] ...and Dorothy, you'll be Cindy Lou Peeples... [gives Dorothy a name tag] ...and Sophia, you're Myron Zucker. [gives an irked Sophia a name tag]

Sophia

Rose, you idiot, there's no way I'm ever gonna pass for a man! Dorothy, trade with me?

Dorothy

Go to hell, Myron. Rose, I don't wanna wear this.

Rose

Oh come on, I looked in the yearbook and you're a dead ringer for Cindy Lou Peeples.

Dorothy

I don't know...

Rose

Trust me, it'll work, or my name isn't Kim Fung Toi [pasting tag to her shirt].

Blanche

[on studying old yearbooks to fit in at the class reunion] We have to know all the basics, you know, like, oh, senior class president, quarterback of the football team, class slut.

Dorothy

Blanche, how do you tell a slut from a yearbook?

Rose

Oh - how do you tell a slut from a yearbook? Uh... you don't have to buy a yearbook dinner!

Blanche

Rose...

Rose

You can take a yearbook home to your parents!

Blanche

Rose!

Rose

There's nothing wrong with having a yearbook on the coffee table!

Dorothy

Rose, this isn't a riddle.

Rose

Well, make it one! I had three good answers!

Dorothy

Well...

Blanche

Well...

Rose

Yea...

Sophia

...I guess this is it.

Dorothy

[nodding] Right. Listen-

Blanche

Dorothy, you don't have to say anything.

Rose

What can you say about 7 years of fights and laughter...secrets...cheesecake...

Dorothy

Just that...it's been very...it was been an experience that I'll always keep close to my heart. [sobbing] And that these are memories that...I'll wrap myself in when the world gets cold and I forget that there are people who are warm and loving and...

Blanche

We love you, too...[girls embrace and cry]...You'll always be a part of us.

Dorothy

Your friendship was something I never expected at this point of my life, and I could never ask for a better surprise

Blanche

[sobbing] That's how we feel too.

Dorothy

I have to go.

Rose

Dorothy......is this goodbye?

Dorothy

[walks to the door, looks at the girls and nods]...I love you, always [leaves room while the girls stare at the door. Dorothy re-appears from the door] Oh god I love you! [girls embrace again]

Blanche

[sobbing] Oh Dorothy...Dorothy...

Dorothy

[sobbing] Lucas is waiting [heads to the door again, looks at girls] You're angels...all of you [leaves room again while the girls stare at the door again. Dorothy comes out from the backyard hall] OH GOD, I'LL MISS YOU!!! [girls embrace once more] Listen I have a flight... [heads for the door once more] ...you'll always be my sisters... [sobbing] always [leaves room for good while the girls stare at the door again then at the backyard hall and at the kitchen door. The three remaining girls embrace, sobbing]