Blanche Devereaux quotes from The Golden Girls

Blanche

[To Dorothy] Why would he want you when he's seen the promised land?

Dorothy

I don't know Blanche, too many squatters?

Dorothy

Well, this is it! My last session with Stan and the psychiatrist. How do I look?

Blanche

Oh, fine, why?

Dorothy

It's so hard to dress for a psychiatrist. You wear black, they think you're depressed. You wear red, they think you're angry.

Blanche

You wear a negligee, they think you want to sleep with them.

Dorothy

Why aren't you arrested more?

Rose

[running a telethon by herself with only Blanche to man the phones] While Blanche is doing that, why don't I head on over to the piano? I'd like to sing you a song that I used to sing as a child. It's an old Minnesotan farm song entitled "I Never Thought I'd Grow a Hair There." [plays a piano intro, then sings] Oom-pa-pa, oom-pa-pa, oom-pa-pa, Oh what the hell is that...

Blanche

Rose, we just got a pledge for twenty dollars.

Rose

Oh! Let's go to the tote board. Drum roll! [grabs drum sticks and plays a roll, then hits the cymbal. $20 comes up on the tote board.] We're off to a good start. OK, now where was I? Oh, yes! Where Hans first spots the hair. Oom-pa-pa, oom-pa-pa, oom-pa-pa...

Blanche

Rose! Rose, I just got a pledge for fifty dollars if you will stop singing.

Sophia

[over the phone to Blanche] That's right. Fifty bucks if she stops singing, and I'll throw in another fifty if you slam the piano lid on her fingers.

Dorothy

Haven't you ever been glad when one of your relationships ended? Rose, how about that guy you dated last summer, don't you remember, the one who played Goofy at Disney World?

Rose

I remember the passion, yes.

Dorothy

Do you remember why it didn't work out?

Rose

It just didn't.

Dorothy

Right, but why not?

Rose

I don't want to talk about it.

Blanche

Oh Rose honey, there's nothin' to be ashamed of.

Rose

He took off the Goofy head. [looks sad and pensive]

Dorothy

Took off the Goofy head. See? That's not so bad. [looks at Blanche and rolls her eyes]

Rose

So please call the number on your screen to donate. [555-GIVE]

Blanche

And for that handsome guy in the red Corvette that I cut off on Highway 12 yesterday, well you can call my personal number that is flashing on your screen now. [555-EASY]

Blanche

Well, before I go, I'd like to make one final plea. Now I know there is goodness in your heart and I know you want to give. Well I am ready to take anything you have to offer. Share with me!

M'aam, we've been off the air for 2 minutes.

Blanche

I know it, I'm talking to Chester on camera 2. Share with me Chester!

Blanche

[on her idea to have Rose "cheat on" Miles] I have been giving it some serious thought, and I finally have come up with the perfect solution for your very sensitive problem with Miles.

Rose

What?

Blanche

Cheat on him.

Rose

I can't cheat on Miles!

Blanche

Well, maybe "cheat" isn't quite the right word. Just think of it as one night out with my rich friends from Texas.

Rose

Well, why isn't that cheating?

Blanche

'Cause you're not gonna get caught. Come on, Rose, just think about it: a delicious dinner at an elegant restaurant, at night...

Rose

[pausing] You mean no coupons, Blanche?

Blanche

No coupons, Rose.

Rose

Chefs who don't wear pirate hats?

Blanche

I don't think so.

Rose

And he'll pay for everything, I don't have to leave the tip?!

Blanche

That's right!

Rose

[singing happily] I'm gonna cheat on Mi-iles, I'm gonna cheat on Mi-iles!

Rose

[on her problems with Miles] Lately he's gotten, I don't know, really tight, and I hate it!

Blanche

Oh? Well, I'm just the opposite. I love a tight man. A tight man with cast-iron pecs... thighs that could choke a bear... and a butt you could eat breakfast off of... then the two of us would... [pauses briefly, snaps back to reality] Rose, when did you get in?

Rose

Blanche, I've been here the whole time! I was telling you about Miles being tight!

Blanche

Oh, I love a tight man! A tight man with cast-iron pecs... thighs that could---

Rose

No, tight with money! He's cheap!

Blanche

Oh - tight with money? Dump him.

Rose

I feel so terrible about last night. I might have thrown away the perfect relationship, and for what?

Blanche

Well, it's your own fault for cheating on Miles!

Rose

Blanche, it was your idea!

Blanche

It's the execution, Rose. I said don't get caught.

Rose

I don't know what I'm going to do. What if he doesn't come back? What if I've lost him? What if I turn into a lonely old spinster and never find love again?

Blanche

[laughs, engrossed in the funny pages] Oh, look! Garfield caught a fish!

Blanche

You don't believe that Grammy's here, that she talks to me!

Dorothy

Of course I do, sweetheart. [imitating Blanche's grammy] Blanche, this is your grammy! Y'all get yourself out of here you dumb peckerwood!

Rose

Oooh, I heard it that time too! Feet don't fail me now! [flees the room]

Blanche

It was hard enough lettin' go when Grammy died. The family had to sell Grandview and it got turned into an ol' bed and breakfast, but at least I could visit.

Sophia

And have breakfast.

Blanche

Thank you, Sophia.

Sophia

Pancakes by the looks of it.

Blanche

Thank you, Sophia!

Dorothy

I was up all night thinking of how Ma's been hoarding all those checks from Phil and Gloria while I've had to go without.

Blanche

Well now, Dorothy, you really can't blame Sophia for your sex life.

Dorothy

That's not what I'm talking about! But since you brought it up, yes, I can! If I'd had the money, I could have been living in a swinging condo instead of with... I'd better not say anything until I've had my coffee. [she takes a sip of coffee] ...A SLUT AND A MORON!!!

Dorothy

...I'm sorry, it must be decaf.

Blanche

[on learning that Rose had 56 boyfriends during her senior year of high school] If that were true, Rose, then that would mean you were... a slut.

Dorothy

Oh, come on, Blanche, how can you say that? So the woman had fifty-six boyfriends in one year. She's not a slut.

Rose

Thank you, Dorothy.

Dorothy

She is The Slut! She is the Grand Poobah of Slutdom! She is the easiest woman in this room!

Blanche

Dorothy Zbornak, you take that back!

Dorothy

[indicating Blanche and then Rose] The Slut is dead, long live The Slut!

Sophia

You know how hard it is to make out with a guy when his sister's sitting next to you?

Boy, do I ever.

Blanche

[to Rose] Now, you stop that, you just stop that!

Blanche

Rose, could I see you for a moment?

Rose

[walks over] You're mad, aren't you?

Blanche

Rose Nylund, every man I know is watching this show, this live show, this live show about lesbian lovers of Miami.

Rose

Every man you know is watching? Hey, we could beat The Price is Right!

Dorothy

Rose, we can't kill you here because there are cameras. Now how did this happen?

Rose

Oh, I don't know. They just said they wanted two women who loved each other and slept together.

Dorothy

We DO NOT sleep together!

Rose

Yes, you did! Last month, whe-, when Blanche was having her room repainted because the plaster behind her headboard all fell out!

Blanche

Listen. I'm not going through with this!

Rose

Blanche, if you leave, they'll fire me!

Dorothy

Good. My mother is here. My teacher is here. Good!

Rose

If I lose my job, I won't be able to do anything but... sit home and tell St. Olaf stories!

Blanche

Blackmail! Oh, ho, ho, ho, very smart!

Rose

Hey, they don't call me "Harold Goldstein" for nothing!

Dorothy

[aside, to Blanche] Maybe if we don't say anything. We're not on camera that much, I mean, we can't let Rose lose her job.

We're back. Let's meet our panelists... Dorothy, a lesbian. Blanche, another lesbian. And Pat and Kathy, image consultants.

Dorothy

How come THEY'RE not lesbians?

We don't believe in labels.

Oh - I see we have a question from the audience. Yes, sir?

Are there male-female roles in the relationship?

Blanche

Well, I AM the little homemaker if that's what you mean. [laughs nervously]

Dorothy

[pissed] Now, wait a minute, just w...

Dorothy

...and I take out the garbage.

Fascinating. Any other questions? Ah, here we go.

Sophia

[pointing at Blanche] This is directed to Dorothy's lover. Do people treat you differently because you're a lesbian?

Blanche

[laughing nervously] Most people don't know.

Sophia

Really? I would've guessed right off. Next question to Dorothy. What kind of pain and embarrassment has this lifestyle caused your mother?

Dorothy

[menacingly] I really don't know but, I'll ask her tomorrow when I visit her at... THE HOME.

Sophia

No more questions.