Blanche Devereaux quotes from The Golden Girls

Sophia

[narrating] And from that day to this, Henny Penny, Goosey Lucy and Turkey Lurkey were never seen a---

Rose

STOP! [to the audience] Children, kids, it's up to you! I mean, if you want to save us and not have us eaten by Foxy Loxy, applaud! [No response.] I mean it! I mean, clap now if you want to see the goose, the chicken and the turkey live! [No response. Sophia gestures to Rose to shut up, but Rose ignores her.] Come on, put your little hands together! [No response.] Save us and you won't have bad dreams! [No response.] CLAP, you miserable little---

Dorothy

[She and Blanche, still in costume, walk out on the stage, grab Rose by the arm and drag her off] Come on, Henny, let's get it over with.

Rose

But what about their bad dreams?!

Blanche

Let's go, come on.

Rose

[to the audience] Fine, but I just want you to know, there are monsters living under all your beds!!!

Rose

It's time I gave something back to the chicken community. A chicken once saved my life.

Blanche

They *are* the stupidest birds.

Blanche

Hi, how did the hearing test go?

Sophia

[to Dorothy] TELL HER WHAT THE DOCTOR SAID. TELL HER WHAT THE DOCTOR --

Dorothy

Ma's fine, okay?!

Sophia

AND?

Dorothy

I need a hearing aid, okay?!

Blanche

Rose, can't you put yourself in my position?

Rose

Apparently I'm not limber enough. [looks to Dorothy for approval]

Dorothy

That was good.

Blanche

If I got this job, it would mean going to Europe with [Kendall], to look for rare paintings and antiques.

Sophia

Well, if he has an eye for antiques, you should be a shoo-in.

Dorothy

Look who's calling the vase Ming.

Blanche

Is there any chance I can persuade you girls to join me for a murder mystery weekend?

Dorothy

Blanche, are you kidding? I have read every word Dashiell Hammett and Raymond Chandler ever wrote. Sam Spade and Philip Marlowe have become a part of me! "She had more curves than the Monaco Grand Prix and was twice as dangerous. Her jewelry was mute testimony that Charlie Chaplin wasn't the only tramp who hit it big in this town."

Sophia

You do this on first dates, don't you, Dorothy?

Rose

[Blanche is disgusted that Posey is flirting with Kendall] You flirted with him.

Blanche

I'm from the South! Flirting is part of my heritage.

Rose

What do you mean?

Dorothy

Her mother was a slut too.

Blanche

There's just one hitch. I need three more people to get the group rate at the hotel.

Sophia

I thought hotels always gave you the group rate.

Rose

Yes, sweetheart, but this is for the whole night!

Blanche

How could I be accused of murder?! I am a Devereaux! Things like this usually happen to people named... Petrillo!

Sophia

I take offense at that! No one in my family ever--EVER--left a body to be found!

Blanche!

Blanche

Kendall!

Blanche, I must commend you again. I have a feeling we're in for a weekend that none of us is ever going to forget.

Blanche

Oh, I do declare! Your sweet words could charm the morning dew right off the honeysuckle!

Dorothy

That was good, Blanche. Now do Br'er Rabbit.

[after explaining Kendall's murder] Given these facts, unless somebody has something else...we've got enough to make an arrest.

Blanche

[scared] My, my, Mr. Officer...I do declare, your sweet words could charm the morning dew right off the honeysuckle!

Dorothy

Blanche, not now!

Blanche

[more scared] If not now, when?!

Blanche

[complaining about Nurse DeFarge] Dorothy, at 2am in the morning, I was entertaining a gentleman caller, when she walked in at the most inopportune time. I could have lost my balance and chipped a tooth!

Rose

You think that's bad? She came into my room when I was reenacting the plank-walking scene from Peter Pan.

Dorothy

What the hell goes on at night in this house?!!

Blanche

Alright, here we go, good luck ladies. [reads a ballot] Dorothy. [reads another vote] Dorothy. [reads the third vote] Dorothy. [reads the final vote, more quickly] ...Dorothy.

Sophia

Well, that's that, lets eat, I'm starved.

Dorothy

Now wait a minute! How did this happen!?

Sophia

We all voted for you.

Blanche

Well, Dorothy it's your own damn fault. Why did you vote for yourself?

Dorothy

Well, I just assumed that everyone would vote for Rose, and I didn't want a sweep to hurt her feelings.

Blanche

I guess that would hurt.

Dorothy

[voice breaking] It DOES!

'Blanche

[shouting to the person behind the front door] Uh...you can't come in here! We all have -- quick, Rose, give me a deadly disease!

Rose

I'm sorry Blanche, I don't have a deadly disease.

Blanche

Well, get one.

Rose

So how was [your date], Blanche?

Blanche

You might as well ask me to describe the glory of the great Smoky Mountains as they rise from the mist of the Carolina dawn!

Dorothy

They went to a sleazy motel.

Blanche

Or the colours of the monarch butterfly spreading its wings as it emerges from the miracle of the cocoon!

Dorothy

She got him to pay for half the room.

Blanche

Or the sturdy cypress, reaching heaven, tall and mighty and proud!

Dorothy

That one, I think, is pretty self-explanatory.