“The Monkey Show” quotes from The Golden Girls

Dorothy

Ma, what you're doing?

Sophia

This is for sandbags Dorothy, there's a hurricane a-coming!

Dorothy

A-coming?

Sophia

That's right! People only use the A when a really big storm is a-coming or a-brewing, so grab a sack and start a-shoveling!

Dorothy

Ma, the weather report said nothing about a hurricane.

Sophia

Ida Pearlberg down at the senior centre woke up this morning with a leg cramp. Need I say more?

Dorothy

YES!

Sophia

Dorothy, when you get around my age two things happen. 1. you get more intuitive about the weather and 2. corn becomes your enemy!

Dorothy

Ma, even if there is a hurricane A-coming...

Sophia

Don't patronize me!

Dorothy

I'm not patronizing you, I'm A-mocking you!

Dorothy

Look Ma, if there is a hurricane coming it's not gonna get here for a while so come on, sit down and relax.

Dorothy

She's out of M-O-N-E-Y.

Stan

Well, she's not getting mine!

Dorothy

She's not out of monkey, Stan; she's out of money!

Dorothy

Well, this is it! My last session with Stan and the psychiatrist. How do I look?

Blanche

Oh, fine, why?

Dorothy

It's so hard to dress for a psychiatrist. You wear black, they think you're depressed. You wear red, they think you're angry.

Blanche

You wear a negligee, they think you want to sleep with them.

Dorothy

Why aren't you arrested more?

Dorothy

In every relationship, there are always times when you don't wanna be with each other. I mean, Stanley and I went through a period where we had no marital relations at all. I totally cut off his sex.

Rose

You mean it grows back?

Dorothy

[sarcastically] Yes, Rose. He's a lizard!

Rose

[running a telethon by herself with only Blanche to man the phones] While Blanche is doing that, why don't I head on over to the piano? I'd like to sing you a song that I used to sing as a child. It's an old Minnesotan farm song entitled "I Never Thought I'd Grow a Hair There." [plays a piano intro, then sings] Oom-pa-pa, oom-pa-pa, oom-pa-pa, Oh what the hell is that...

Blanche

Rose, we just got a pledge for twenty dollars.

Rose

Oh! Let's go to the tote board. Drum roll! [grabs drum sticks and plays a roll, then hits the cymbal. $20 comes up on the tote board.] We're off to a good start. OK, now where was I? Oh, yes! Where Hans first spots the hair. Oom-pa-pa, oom-pa-pa, oom-pa-pa...

Blanche

Rose! Rose, I just got a pledge for fifty dollars if you will stop singing.

Sophia

[over the phone to Blanche] That's right. Fifty bucks if she stops singing, and I'll throw in another fifty if you slam the piano lid on her fingers.

Dorothy

Haven't you ever been glad when one of your relationships ended? Rose, how about that guy you dated last summer, don't you remember, the one who played Goofy at Disney World?

Rose

I remember the passion, yes.

Dorothy

Do you remember why it didn't work out?

Rose

It just didn't.

Dorothy

Right, but why not?

Rose

I don't want to talk about it.

Blanche

Oh Rose honey, there's nothin' to be ashamed of.

Rose

He took off the Goofy head. [looks sad and pensive]

Dorothy

Took off the Goofy head. See? That's not so bad. [looks at Blanche and rolls her eyes]

Rose

So please call the number on your screen to donate. [555-GIVE]

Blanche

And for that handsome guy in the red Corvette that I cut off on Highway 12 yesterday, well you can call my personal number that is flashing on your screen now. [555-EASY]

Blanche

Well, before I go, I'd like to make one final plea. Now I know there is goodness in your heart and I know you want to give. Well I am ready to take anything you have to offer. Share with me!

M'aam, we've been off the air for 2 minutes.

Blanche

I know it, I'm talking to Chester on camera 2. Share with me Chester!