Blanche Devereaux quotes from The Golden Girls

Blanche

She's not a sweet kid anymore. She is holding Fernando for ransom!

Dorothy

Come on....

Blanche

Dorothy, she sent me one of his ears!!!

Blanche

So that's when this saleman from men's sportswear walks clear across the store into ladies' petite and says, "Oh excuse me, miss, but I noticed you've been having a hard time deciding between the turquoise strapless and the flaming red backless. Well, personally I'd like to see you in the backless." And I said, "When?" And he said, "How about Saturday night?" And I said, "How about in your dreams, sleazo!" Can you believe the nerve of that guy?

Rose

What were you doing in ladies petite?

Hello.

Dorothy

What do you want?

Well...I decided that it was wrong to ask for all those gifts.

Blanche

Oh, see, Dorothy? I knew that she was a sensible kid! She just needed-

I've decided that cash is better. That way I can buy exactly what I want.

Blanche

...I'll get my purse.

Rose

No, Blanche, I'm not going to let you do that. I've thought long and hard about this. If after all those years of love and companionship it's time for Fernando and I to part, well...I guess I have to accept that.

Rose

I guess we all learned something here today. Sometimes, life just isn't fair, kiddo.

Dorothy

Hi, Rose.

Blanche

We brought dinner.

Rose

What'd you get?

Dorothy

[gestures with the pizza box] A bucket of chicken. I hope you like it extra flat and crispy.

Blanche

Who on earth could that be at three o'clock in the morning?

Dorothy

Maybe it's a Jehovah's Witness with a caffeine problem?

Blanche

I think I have a little more endurance than you.

Dorothy

Blanche, we are not dancing on our backs.

Rose

Girls, wait a minute! We're talking about the sacred institution of marriage here! Are you willing to sacrifice the happiness of these two kids for the almighty dollar?

Yes!

Rose

I just wanted to be sure we were in agreement.

Dorothy

[handing Priscilla a crystal goblet after Priscilla announces she and Ramón are eloping] Listen, we were going to give you your wedding gift tomorrow, but since we won't see you, why don't you take it home with you tonight?

Oh, thank you! [she quickly leaves]

Blanche

Good night. [To Dorothy] Dorothy, are you crazy?! We're going to lose a fortune on this wedding!

Rose

And you let her march out that door with your best piece of crystal!

Dorothy

[into the telephone] Hello, police? Yes, I'd like to report a robbery.

Blanche

Dorothy, I cannot let you do this.

Dorothy

Blanche, get out of my way.

Blanche

I want that car, Dorothy. I will give you anything.

Dorothy

Blanche, we have to tell Rose the truth.

Blanche

I'll give you one of my sons. I have given this a lot of thought, Dorothy. I have had four sons, I have never had a Mercedes. What do you say? Which one do you want? Biff, Doug, Skippy-- no, don't take Skippy. He's got asthma.

Dorothy

Blanche, this has gone far enough.

[after the girls discover what purports to be a charm placed under Dorothy's bed to help her sleep] I was just trying to be helpful. I figured with those terrible bags, you needed the rest.

Rose

Dorothy always looks like that.

Blanche

Besides, it would take a lot more than rest to get rid of those babies.

Dorothy

Listen, I have an idea; why don't you all take turns hitting me with a two-by-four?

Blanche

Girls, we can't fire her now. She's making me an aphrodisiac.

Dorothy

Use vodka and black underwear like everyone else!

Blanche

Well then everything was just a misunderstanding, and Norman really did dump me for a fat woman!

Sophia

No kidding, fatter than you?

Dorothy

The way to relax when you have to speak in front of a group of people is to imagine what they all look like naked.

Rose

Really?

Dorothy

Yep. And if you do it right, you'll probably even start to laugh.

Blanche

[stares at Rose for a few seconds, shrugs, and then begins staring at Dorothy, then bursts out laughing hysterically. After a few seconds Rose starts to laugh too. Dorothy, exasperated, exits the room.]

Blanche

What if you were giving a eulogy for me, Dorothy? What would you say?

Dorothy

Well... I think I'd say that you were a kind, generous and loving person, and one of the best friends I've ever had.

Blanche

Nothing about my looks?

Dorothy

Okay, I'd say you were one of the prettiest friends I've ever had.

Blanche

Only "one of"?

Dorothy

The, Blanche! The prettiest. ... What would you say about me?

Blanche

Dorothy...

Dorothy

I told you, you can tell me.

Blanche

Well, I think I'd say that... I always felt safe having you in the house. And I'd say that I always enjoyed talking to you when I came home from one of my numerous dates. And I'd say that I always looked up to you, like an older sister.

Dorothy

Thank you, Blanche. Oh, and I forgot one thing: I would also say you're fat.

Blanche

Night after night I had this awful dream that I was trapped in an enclosed space full of men!

Dorothy

Now what could that mean? [short pause] Let's give this a second...