Blanche Devereaux quotes from The Golden Girls

Blanche

Oh my god, is that me?!

Rose

Oh, that's my fault, Blanche, I was out of focus.

Sophia

You're always out of focus.

Blanche

No, I look old, I look ancient, I look all wrinkled up and shriveled like a prune!

Sophia

It could be worse, she could look like Fess Parker.

Rose

Oh, Blanche, how do you feel about performing in front of a video camera?

Blanche

I think it's okay as long as you've already had at least three dates.

Rose

[telling a St. Olaf story about a woman who had plastic surgery] Olga Fetchik was our town beautician, and one of God's most unattractive creations since the aardvark. Anyway, over the years, Olga had been secretly squirreling away money for plastic surgery. Well, one day she left without telling anyone, had the surgery, and didn't return for months. Well, nobody could believe their eyes - Olga Fetchik had turned into a stunning beauty! Every man in town wanted her, but she ended up marrying St. Olaf's most handsome and eligible bachelor, dance instructor Adolf Stepp. The two of them moved back to Norway, decided to get into show business, and they became the internationally renowed Scandinavian dance team of Stepp 'n' Fetchik.

Blanche

Rose, not that I care, but since you've already gone to so much trouble... just how did having plastic surgery ruin Olga's life?

Rose

Oh, it didn't ruin her life, it almost ruined St. Olaf. I mean, after she left, the town didn't have a professional beautician for years. Women started giving each other home perms - pretty soon everybody looked like Art Garfunkel. Husbands stopped sleeping with their wives, the population started to go down. Well, the town would have gone under if Oslo's most famous hairstylist, Vidal Sassbogadotter, hadn't relocated his shop in St. Olaf because of our more favorable tax laws! Now you see why I don't like plastic surgery?

Sophia

[screaming in pain] OW! WHAT'D YOU DO THAT FOR?

Dorothy

Why should we be the only ones in pain?

Blanche

Rose, I'm sorry, I just don't feel comfortable having you work for me.

Sophia

I do. You wanna be my servant, Rose?

Rose

Blanche, I'm not talking about big things. I'm talking about little things, like doing your laundry.

Sophia

My laundry's more fun, Rose.

Rose

It's the only way I'll feel better about losing your earrings.

Sophia

Ever see panties from the '20's, Rose? They got pockets!

Blanche

[on the charity banquet] I told the manager, if he let us have that room, I would persuade my sister to sing for free in his piano bar!

Rose

You mean your sister Virginia?

Blanche

No, I mean my sister, Miss Susan Anton!

Dorothy

Blanche, how could you tell such a lie?

Blanche

He didn't believe me for a minute! He told me I was much too attractive to be related to her. But he gave us the room anyhow because he said he liked my moxie!

Sophia

And I bet you liked showing it to him!

Blanche

[on the difference between Jake and her "ideal" man] But I'm not going to let that discourage me from finding my Mr. Right, and I'm not going to compromise my standards either. I am simply going to look high and low, far and wide, and never lose heart, for I know one day my prince will come. [leaves]

Dorothy

Now what was that supposed to mean?

Sophia

I wasn't paying close attention, but from what I could make of it she's going to sleep with that little black guy Prince.

Sophia

A few more snacks like that and the only thing you'll be able to fit into is a saddle.

Blanche

I'm not gonna eat all of this at once, Sophia. There's an I Love Lucy marathon on tonight. I'm setting up for 12 straight hours of classic TV.

Sophia

I never cared for that show. Every single episode, Lucy said the same thing. "Ricky, why can't I be in the show? Ricky, why can't I be in the show?" Why couldn't she be in the show? The woman was a riot at home. His show at the club stank. What's so entertaining about a Cuban beating a drum?

Blanche

Rose, let's go watch I Love Lucy in the kitchen.

Rose

But that set is black and white!

Rose

You know, I'm still a little confused. Who exactly is Ricky?

Blanche

Lucy's husband.

Rose

I thought Desi was Lucy's husband.

Blanche

Not on the show.

Rose

Desi wasn't on the show?

Blanche

Desi played Ricky!

Rose

Who did Lucy play?

Blanche

Lucy.

Rose

I know, but who did she play?

Blanche

Lucy!

Rose

Right, but who did she play?

Blanche

Lucy played Lucy!

Rose

Well, then why didn't Desi play Desi?

Blanche

He wasn't tall enough.

Dorothy

Oh, I remember when Stanley told me he was having an affair. It was at least 24 hours before I cut the crotches out of all his slacks.

Blanche

You didn't!

Dorothy

I was teaching English Lit at the time. Symbolism was my life.

Dorothy

Oh, I don't know. Two policemen living in our house?

Blanche

So what's that to be afraid of, Dorothy? Once you strip away the gruff exterior, the badge, the gun, the uniform-

Dorothy

You've got a naked policeman.

Blanche

Exactly.

Blanche

[on why she never suffered from Empty Nest Syndrome] I couldn't wait for my kids to get out on their own. I got depressed watching them grow older, 'cause it meant I was gettin' older. They were like noisy little calendars. The minute they all entered high school, I told everybody they were my husband's from a previous marriage.

Dorothy

And you wonder why they're in therapy.

Blanche

Girls, guess what I found. [takes a teddy bear from behind her back] Fernando!

Rose

That's not Fernando.

Blanche

Well what do you mean that's not Fernando? How could you tell?

Rose

All you have to do is look in his eyes.

Dorothy

Or at the price tag stuck to his back.

[holding a water pistol to Fernando the teddy bear's head] See this water pistol? It's loaded with red ink!

Blanche

Oh Rose, don't move, honey! She's got the teddy bear and a water pistol!

Blanche

Rose, see, honey, Fernando doesn't exactly belong to you anymore. Well I kinda gave him to Daisy by mistake. So, you understand now-just a silly misunderstanding! See? [everyone except Rose is laughing nervously]

Rose

No. Get him back. I want my teddy!

Blanche

But honey, she's a child! You can't expect a child to give back a toy! Now, you do understand, don't you?

Rose

Just cut the crap and get back the damn bear!