Dorothy Zbornak quotes from The Golden Girls

Rose

[talking to Dorothy after Dorothy returns from a date with Glenn] Oh, so you spent the evening at dinner!

Dorothy

No, we spent dinner at dinner. We spent the evening at a motel.

Rose

A motel?!! Dorothy! A cheap, tawdry, bare-bulbed den of iniquity?!

Dorothy

We didn't drive to Sodom and Gomorrah, Rose.

Rose

I can't tell her her husband died in my bed.

Sophia

Tell her you went to turn on the sprinklers, and you found him on the lawn.

Rose

That's not bad...

Dorothy

Oh, Rose.

Rose

Well, I've never had to do this before! Tell a wife that her husband's been cheating on her with me! That's the hardest thing ever to have to tell anybody.

Blanche

Oh, no, it's not! How about having to tell a pregnant woman that her husband's been cheating on her...with her own sister...and you're the sister...and you're pregnant too. By her husband.

Dorothy

You...didn't!

Blanche

Not me! Last night on Dallas! Or Dynasty or Falcon's Landing, or one of those, they're all the same.

Rose

Oh! I thought you were the one-

Blanche

Oh please! I could never do a thing like that. And if you ever saw my brother-in-law, you'd know why!

Sophia

[to Rose] There's a man in your bed.

Rose

...Sophia, there's not!

Blanche

[to Rose] Why, you devil, you!

Dorothy

So that was what we heard! Rose!

Blanche

Rose got lucky!

Sophia

Not so lucky. The man in your bed is dead.

Sophia

Fine, let a dead guy lie there. It's gonna be 98 degrees today. It won't be pretty.

Dorothy

Oh, I'm sure he's not dead. Rose, go look.

Rose

Come on Dorothy, he's sleeping. I don't want to wake him.

Sophia

You could light firecrackers in his nostrils, you won't wake him.

Blanche

[recalling the night her husband died] The night George died, the telephone rang and a highway patrolman said, "Pardon me, ma'am, do you have a yellow convertible and a husband named George?" I said, "Yes, of course, good grief, what's happened?" and he said, "Hold on, ma'am." Put me on hold with that music while you wait. I sat there at two in the morning listenin' to Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass. And then, after an eternity, he comes back on the line eatin' chips. And he says, "Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am, but I'm the only one here, my phone's been ringin' off the hook." And I said, "Officer, what about my husband?" And then he said - crunchin' his chips - "Oh, he's dead. Wrong way driver hit him head-on. Totally dead, ma'am (crunch crunch)."

Dorothy

Oh, no!

Blanche

Puts me on hold and then eats Doritos while he tells me my life is over! [about telling Mrs. Beatty about Al's death] Oh, Rose has to tell her. Rose won't eat chips.

Rose

I never eat chips, I don't like 'em. They fall in my bra.

Blanche

Wills make people do crazy things.

Dorothy

Like what Blanche?

Blanche

Do you know what they just uncovered in the Duncan Osgood murder case? That the day before she was murdered, Tippi Paxton Osgood had changed her will, making Duncan the sole heir to the Paxton Napkin fortune! [Dorothy stares at her] That man is guilty!

Dorothy

Oh come on, that's circumstantial evidence, I mean, it's not enough to convict him.

Blanche

Well actually, the more damning evidence was the snapshot of Duncan dressed in scuba gear dragging Tippi's body down the stairs, wrapped in a carpet. [Dorothy stares at her again]

Dorothy

Maybe it was from their wedding album.

Sophia

A lie is a lie, which is a sin, which sends ya straight to hell. Who told a lie?

Blanche

Oh, who hasn't?

Sophia

Me. I never lie.

Dorothy

Ma, how much did you lose at the dog track last week?

Sophia

None of your business, and that's the truth!

Rose

[telling a story that is supposed to relate to Blanche's problem with Lucy, about a time she snuck into a nearby city to meet a boy she liked at a gin mill] I marched right up to the door, and I ran right into Reverend McKenzie, coming out of the bar on the arm of Millie Beasley, wife of Emmett Beasley, our town's most decorated war hero. Emmett received three Purple Hearts - all for head wounds. He ran the feed store in our town. Of course, if the truth be known, Millie was the one who had to make change for the customers.

Dorothy

Rose, are you telling a story or performing Our Town?

Rose

Oh, sorry. Anyway, Reverend McKenzie made a deal with me. He said if I didn't tell on him, he wouldn't tell on me. So I went home.

Blanche

Well, did he keep your secret?

Rose

Till the day he died - which was two days later. Emmett found Millie and the reverend skinny-dipping in the church's fountain, and shot the both of them. A week later, we became Lutherans.

Blanche

Rose, that isn't a teenage rebellion story. That is a changing religion story. That is a big "WHO CARES?" story. THAT IS A "WHY THE HELL TELL IT IN THE FIRST PLACE" STORY!!!

Rose, you're just incredible on Miami Vice trivia! I've never met anyone so smart!

Dorothy

Ed, for a policeman, you've led a very sheltered life.

I hope I wasn't too much trouble.

Rose

Don't be silly.

Dorothy

We enjoyed having you.

Sophia

So did half of Miami.

Rose

It wasn't a rat! It was a cute little mouse.

Dorothy

Rose, it doesn't wear white gloves and work at Disneyland! We're talking about a rodent!

A few years ago, I had a mastectomy. And well, now I'm back for another.

Dorothy

And you're not scared?

I'm petrified. Nobody's that brave, except on TV and in the movies. I remember crying when they first told me, and I don't think I stopped until they wheeled me into surgery. Then afterward, I cried because I thought the pain would never go away. But it did. And it will again. You get through it. You move on. It could have been a lot worse, I could have missed these past three years....(after she goes quiet) Dorothy? Are you all right? How do you feel?

Dorothy

Like a fool. Like a damn fool.

Dorothy

(watching her roommate stretch) Why are you doing those exercises?

No reason. I just like to stay healthy.

Dorothy

I hate to break it to you, Bonnie, but you're in a hospital. The exercises aren't working.

Dorothy

Ma, what are you doing here?

Sophia

You were operated on. You're my daughter! Where else would I be?

Rose

Dorothy, if the Egyptians built the pyramids, now we can move this toilet.

Dorothy

Fine, get me 20,000 Hebrews and I'll have it out of here in no time.