Dorothy Zbornak quotes from The Golden Girls

Dorothy

Honey, do you know what's behind that wall that you're banging on?

Rose

A lateral fusion pipe.

Dorothy

And do you know what's on the other side of that lateral fusion pipe?

Rose

No...

Dorothy

MY HEAD!!!

Rose

I'm sorry. It's just that I was so excited - I think I might have stumbled on something that could change the future of plumbing as we know it!

Dorothy

Great, Rose. Call the Ty-D-Bol Man. He'll jump in his boat and spread the news.

Sophia

Was that a plumber?

Dorothy

No, Ma, it was a little girl selling Girl Scout toilets.

Rose

Little Richard was in Bermuda?!

Dorothy

Yes, Rose, he was burying Fats Domino in the sand.

Blanche

Oh girls, I am devastated, just devastated.

Dorothy

What happened?

Blanche

I asked my teacher for help like you all told me to. He said the only way I would get an A on his final is if I sleep with him.

Rose

No!

Blanche

Oh yes. I just don't know what to do!

Sophia

Get it in writing!

Dorothy

I am exhausted. I went to at least a dozen ticket brokers today. They all told me the only way I'm going to get tickets is to go to a scalper.

Rose

Oh, you can't buy from a scalper! That's a crime!

Dorothy

So is eating grapes at the supermarket but you do that all the time.

Rose

I have to test them!

Dorothy

Rose, one is testing. Fourteen is brunch.

Rose

My God, I'm a criminal!

Dorothy

[on why she was afraid to talk in class as a child] I had a slight speech impediment. I mean, it's different for kids these days, you know, they have Barbara Walters to look up to. But in those days, it really stood out, you know? Oh, I don't know, it must have taken three months before I could muster up the courage, you know, to talk to Mrs. Lenhoff, but it turned out to be the smartest thing I could have done, because not only did she help me, you know, with the speech problem, she was the one who inspired me to go into the teaching profession.

Blanche

You know what, I think tomorrow after class, I will talk to Professor Cooper.

Dorothy

Good girl!

Rose

Whatever happened to your teacher, Mrs. Lenhoff?

Dorothy

Oh gosh, the last I heard, she retired from teaching and opened a bed and breakfast someplace in Whode Island. [pauses] ... Rhode Island.

Rose

I got tickets too. This is such a coincidence. I was driving down Biscayne Boulevard--

Blanche

No, no, no, no! Please, I cannot bear that again. She was listening to her car radio, Big Band, not All Talk. There was a contest. Something about a little voice, a lucky number, a dime and a doorhandle. Then bim bam boom, she won the tickets!

Dorothy

Take a lesson, Rose. That's how you tell a story.

Rose

I'm a very patient person. I once waited two whole weeks for a sty to go away. Every night I'd close my eyes and I'd picture it getting smaller and smaller, and one morning I woke up and it was gone!

Dorothy

Ma, you okay?

Sophia

I'm fine. I'm just trying to make Rose go away.

Rose

Nils Feelander attempted to harass me repeatedly.

Blanche

What do you mean, he attempted to?

Rose

He worked at Lars Eriksson's Drugstore and Tackle Shop, he was the soda jerk. Now that I think about it, he was the town jerk. Every Saturday afternoon I'd go in and have a sundae. Well, Nils would arrange the ice cream scoops in an obscene way. I could never prove it, because by the time I would take it home to show my father, the evidence had...

Melted.

Rose

Yeah. To this day, every time I pass an ice cream parlor or a tackle shop, I blush!

Blanche

All right, I want an answer and I want it NOW! Which one of you has been dippin' into my Vicks Vapo-Rub?

Rose

I took it, and my chest was already completely coated. I did it out of spite because you lost the pre-measured cap off my Ny-Quil!

Dorothy

Rose, I took your stupid cup and you know why? Because I feel lousy and being mean to you makes me feel better!

Rose

Dorothy Zbornak, you can go straight to H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks!

Dorothy

"Double Hockey Sticks"?

Blanche

Dorothy, where's my heatin' pad?

Dorothy

How should I know?

Blanche

Well, if this isn't it, I'd like to know what other electrical appliance you're using under that blanket.

Blanche

You really think selling candy is going to qualify you for that prestigious award?

Dorothy

Oh, excuse me. I didn't realize that slipping my tongue to half the firemen in the county was the more lofty social achievement!

Dorothy

I defrosted some chicken. We'll eat in half an hour.

Sophia

I can't eat chicken. It repeats on me.

Dorothy

Look, Ma, you don't have to make excuses. If you don't want chicken, just say, "I don't want chicken."

Sophia

I don't want chicken.

Dorothy

Good.

Sophia

It repeats on me.

Blanche

[after being awakened by the ringing phone] I'm as jumpy as a virgin at a prison rodeo!

Dorothy

Boy, that's pretty jumpy.

Dorothy

Barry [Glick] was the man that I wanted to be the first.

Rose

First where?

Dorothy

On Mars, Rose! My first lover!

Blanche

Well, so what happened?

Dorothy

Stanley, that's what happened, Stanley. I went to a drive-in with Stanley. He said he was being shipped off to Korea, would probably die, and it would mean so much. That was my part of the war effort. It took three seconds. I wasn't sure that we had done anything, actually, until nine months later when the baby came. Then I figured out that we had. You know, that was my only proof.

Rose

(superior) I waited until my wedding night.