Dorothy Zbornak quotes from The Golden Girls

Dorothy

Please, please Stan. No hugging, no kissing. Let's just do it and get it over with.

Stan

Sounds like the last few years of our marriage.

Dorothy

I wish it was that good.

Dorothy

Why did I ever marry that man?

Sophia

Because he knocked you up!

Dorothy

Why did I let that happen?

Sophia

Because he got you drunk!

Sophia

Beats the hell out of me!

Stan

[sobbing] Chrissy left me for a younger man!

Dorothy

Younger than Chrissy? Where did she meet him, Camp Snoopy?

Stan

I didn't want to say anything. What the hell, you deserve to gloat a little.

Dorothy

I deserve to gloat a lot! But I can't. I know what the pain is like and I wouldn't wish it on... I don't know how to finish that sentence. I usually say, "Stan."

Rose

When Charlie went off to war, I went to work for our local USO Club, and that's where I first met Eddie, the Aqua Midget.

Blanche

He was a blue midget?

Rose

Don't be ridiculous, he was a diving midget. That was his act. He used to jump off a stepladder into this gigantic punch bowl.

Dorothy

So, um, what happened?

Rose

Nothing, he'd just swim to the side and hop out...

Dorothy

I mean, uh, what happened between you and Eddie?

Rose

We talked a lot between shows, and, of course, I didn't realize it, but he was falling for me.

Blanche

Didn't have far to fall.

Rose

It started with little things...

Blanche

I bet. [she and Dorothy crack up]

Rose

Pretty soon the situation got out of control, and I tried to let him down gently.

Blanche

You tried to make it short and sweet? [she and Dorothy laugh again]

Rose

He just wouldn't take no for an answer, so I finally just had to tell him straight out that I didn't feel about him the way he felt about me. It had nothing to do with his size, it was just that I could never become seriously involved with anybody in show business.

Dorothy

[trying not to laugh] Thank you, Rose. I, I don't know what to say. And I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

Rose

Who's going to keep after us? Make us linguine and tell us stories about Sicily?

Dorothy

I don't know, Rose. Maybe Mary Poppins has an Italian cousin.

Sophia

Oh Dorothy, can I make a little suggestion when you go for your makeover?

Dorothy

Sure. What is it?

Sophia

Don't expect a miracle.

Sophia

When I thought I was moving, I was going to give each one of you a gift, but I want you to have them anyway. [hands a wrapped package to each of the girls]

Blanche

Why Sophia, how sweet!

Rose

Oh honey, you shouldn't have!

Dorothy

[opening her package] Oh Ma, this is so lovely... and so familiar... this is mine. I thought the cleaner lost it.

Sophia

I told you the cleaner lost it. I took it. I needed something to go with my black sweater.

Rose

[examining the sweater in her package] This is my black sweater!

Sophia

I know. It goes great with...

Blanche

...my pearls.

Sophia

Well, enjoy and be healthy! [leaves]

Dorothy

[in Rose's dream, about the wedding] You can't disappoint your guests.

Rose

The guests? But I have to think about what's best for me!

Dorothy

That's only in real life, Rose. In a dream, you do what's best for the guests.

Blanche

He analyzed my dream.

Dorothy

What dream?

Blanche

Oh, that recurring dream I have where I'm running naked through a train that keeps going through tunnel after tunnel while a sweaty bodybuilder chases me. He said he thinks it's sexual.

Dorothy

He thinks ? For God's sake, Blanche, you smoke a cigarette after that dream.

Blanche

Not all my dreams are sexual! I also dream about food. Of course, I'm usually naked while I'm eatin' the food. I guess all my dreams are sexual. Lucky me!

Rose

Jeane, could you tell me what the future holds?

Sure. In January, Brooke Shields and Lady Di will star together in a Broadway musical comedy. Senator Edward Kennedy will once again-

Rose

[interrupting] No no no, I mean what the future holds for me and Jonathan.

Rose, I'm not getting a clear picture on that. However, I do know that Jackie O. will tie the knot again-

Dorothy

[cutting in] Oh, uh, thank you very much Ms. Dixon, [shows her out of Rose's room with Blanche] enjoy the wedding.

Dorothy

Ma, have a wonderful trip and call me the minute you get there. And please, Ma, try not to argue with Phil's wife.

Sophia

We get along okay. Phil's wife has her good points. She's sweet, she's reliable, and when her father gets out of prison, she'll be a wealthy woman!

Blanche

Dorothy, get the door. [walks towards Rose and Dr. Newman] Shrimp? [runs towards the kitchen]

She's a little uptight. I'm gonna have fun with her tonight.

Dorothy

Why don't we start dinner.

Good, what are we having.

Dorothy

[freezes for a couple of seconds] Short ribs.

Dorothy

[Nervously] Uh, Ma, this is Dr. Johnathan Newman.

Sophia

Hello. I hope that this doesn't sound rude... [Blanche and Dorothy are holding each other, looking like they are waiting for a disaster.] ...but I just came from a long trip, and I'm very tired. If you'll excuse me.

Of course. Lovely to have met you.

Sophia

Likewise. [Begins to walk away] Dorothy, can I see you for a minute? [Dorothy walks over. Sophia speaks in a hushed voice.] That man over there, is he a midget?

Dorothy

Yes

Sophia

Thank God, I thought I was having another stroke!

Dorothy

I am going out with a new man tonight and he is not Italian.

Blanche

Oh, who is he, Dorothy?

Dorothy

Oh, his name is Glenn O'Brien.

Rose

Where'd you meet him?

Sophia

His name is O'Brien. Two to one she met him at a gin mill.

Dorothy

Hi, Ma.

Sophia

So you've started up with your married man again.

Dorothy

How did you know?

Sophia

I'm The Amazing Kreskin! I was listening outside the door.

Dorothy

Oh Ma.

Sophia

Oh, I can't put my ear to the door but you can put your....

Dorothy

Ma!