Dorothy Zbornak quotes from The Golden Girls

[looking at obituaries in newspaper] Whoa!

What is it?

You!

What about me?

You're dead!

What?

I told you, you're dead! You must be! It says so in the paper!

[Blanche takes the paper from Sophia]

[reading] "Blanche Deveraux, age 68..." [shocked] 68?!

Dorothy

Blanche, that's terrible! They're almost as far off on your age as you are.

S6 E24 Henny Penny - Straight, No Chaser

View quote →

[narrating] On the way, Henny Penny and Goosey Lucy came upon Turkey Lurkey.

[Dorothy whirls around to face the audience in her costume, reading a book with a dour expression on her face.]

Yes, poor, lonely Turkey Lurkey. Poor dateless, hopeless, self-basting---

Dorothy

MA!!!

S6 E24 Henny Penny - Straight, No Chaser

View quote →

[narrating] And from that day to this, Henny Penny, Goosey Lucy and Turkey Lurkey were never seen a---

STOP! [to the audience] Children, kids, it's up to you! I mean, if you want to save us and not have us eaten by Foxy Loxy, applaud! [No response.] I mean it! I mean, clap now if you want to see the goose, the chicken and the turkey live! [No response. Sophia gestures to Rose to shut up, but Rose ignores her.] Come on, put your little hands together! [No response.] Save us and you won't have bad dreams! [No response.] CLAP, you miserable little---

Dorothy

[She and Blanche, still in costume, walk out on the stage, grab Rose by the arm and drag her off] Come on, Henny, let's get it over with.

But what about their bad dreams?!

Let's go, come on.

[to the audience] Fine, but I just want you to know, there are monsters living under all your beds!!!

S6 E24 Henny Penny - Straight, No Chaser

View quote →

Hi, how did the hearing test go?

[to Dorothy] TELL HER WHAT THE DOCTOR SAID. TELL HER WHAT THE DOCTOR --

Dorothy

Ma's fine, okay?!

AND?

Dorothy

I need a hearing aid, okay?!

View quote →

Dorothy

Wait a minute, Rose. Have you seen the rest of these pictures?

I'd rather not.

Dorothy

Honey, I think there's some mistake. Look, here's Blanche in bed with Charlie, but this one's Blanche in bed with a pontoon boat! Here's Blanche in bed with the big orange from the Sunkist building, and here's Blanche in bed with the Country Bear Jamboree! Honey do you know what this means?

I sure do. [to Blanche] My God, you're an animal!

View quote →

Rose, can't you put yourself in my position?

Apparently I'm not limber enough. [looks to Dorothy for approval]

Dorothy

That was good.

View quote →

Come on Blanche, you landed on your back more than..than... [turns to Dorothy for help]

Dorothy

The American Gladiators.

View quote →

Dorothy

Oh, morning Ma. How'd you sleep?

Pretty good. I dreamed I was making love to Jay Leno.

Dorothy

That's a strange dream for you to have.

Not really. It was Monday night and he was filling in for Carson.

View quote →

You know, back in Minnesota, I was known as the Sherlock Holmes of St. Olaf.

Dorothy

Figured out which one was Shinola, did you, Rose?

The hard way.

View quote →

If I got this job, it would mean going to Europe with [Kendall], to look for rare paintings and antiques.

Well, if he has an eye for antiques, you should be a shoo-in.

Dorothy

Look who's calling the vase Ming.

View quote →

Is there any chance I can persuade you girls to join me for a murder mystery weekend?

Dorothy

Blanche, are you kidding? I have read every word Dashiell Hammett and Raymond Chandler ever wrote. Sam Spade and Philip Marlowe have become a part of me! "She had more curves than the Monaco Grand Prix and was twice as dangerous. Her jewelry was mute testimony that Charlie Chaplin wasn't the only tramp who hit it big in this town."

You do this on first dates, don't you, Dorothy?

View quote →

[Blanche is disgusted that Posey is flirting with Kendall] You flirted with him.

I'm from the South! Flirting is part of my heritage.