Dorothy Zbornak quotes from The Golden Girls

Dorothy

You'll have to excuse my mother. She survived a slight stroke which left her, if I can be frank, a complete burden.

Dorothy

The stripper used to be a cop and the cop always wanted to be a dancer. Now they're wearing each others' hats and it's getting really weird.

Dorothy

Statistics say that patricide is overhwhelmingly a male crime. [looks at Sophia] Although daughters frequently murder their mothers!

Dorothy

[receiving call from Jeopardy that she has made it to the trial run] Hello, yes this is she. I did, well thank you! [person on the other end asks if Blanche is there] Yes, yes, she's my roommate. She did! No, no I'll be happy to tell her. Blanche, you flunked.

Dorothy

Oh, come on, Ma. That's superstitious nonsense. You know, step on a crack, break your mother's back. It doesn't work. I know. [ominous pause] I tried.

Dorothy

[to Blanche] I think it's nice that you're trying to quote the Bible. [aside, to Sophia] The only thing that's been in more hotel rooms than she has and she can't remember a word of it.

Dorothy

[to Sophia] You're a furry little gnome and we feed you too much!

Rose

What a day. One sad person after another.

Dorothy

Rose, you work at grief counseling. What do you expect, comedians?

Dorothy

Ma, the taxi driver said you promised him a $67 dollar tip!

Sophia

Don't be silly, I said a $6, $7 dollar tip! Why don't these people learn English if they're gonna live here? This is Miami - I'd have less trouble getting around Ecuador!

Rose

Oh Sophia, did we wake you?

Sophia

I heard noise, I thought it was robbers, so I hid my jewels. Now I can't remember where.

Dorothy

Ma, you don't have any jewels.

Sophia

Thank God, because I can't find them.

Rose

I know grief. It takes time.

Dorothy

Please, Rose. Listen, if you're Irish, you have a wake. You eat, you cry, you drink, you vomit and you're done.

Dorothy

Let's go out and celebrate.

Sophia

What, that she came out of her room?

Dorothy

I taught a class today. The finest school in Dade County. Two girls had shaved heads, and three boys had green hair.

They're expressing themselves.

Dorothy

Well, I expressed myself. I told them they had to leave. They were too ugly to look at. Now the parents are mad. A father came in in a three-piece suit and defended Tiffany, a bald girl with a nose ring. [looks over Coco's shoulder to see what he's cooking] What's that?

Enchiladas rancheros.

Dorothy

Why don't you just shoot me?

Dorothy

Tell me, how is Blanche?

Rose

She didn't go to work again today. It's been three weeks and she just sits in her room. The museum's gonna fire her.

Dorothy

Well, we've tried everything. Golf, the movies, theater tickets. She wouldn't even budge for Julio Iglesias.

Rose

I know grief. It takes time.

Dorothy

Please, Rose. Listen, if you're Irish, you have a wake. You eat, you cry, you drink, you vomit, and you're done. If you're Jewish, you cry, you sit, you eat for seven days, you put on ten pounds, and it's over. We Italians scream, dress up a donkey, hire a band, and that's that. It's these southern Protestants who make it a way of life.

Sophia

When I go, put me in a steel sack and leave me on the curb next to the cans.

Dorothy

You walked out on me and you didn't even have the decency to tell me you were leaving. I heard it from some lawyer over the telephone. A stranger, Stanley, a total stranger told me that my marriage was over.

Dorothy, look, things happened...

Dorothy

Things happened. You're damn right things happened. Thirty-eight years happened. Thirty-eight years of sharing and crying and dreaming and fighting, and loving and, and children and diapers and, and school plays and little league. And worrying if you'd get through your gallbladder surgery and wondering if I'd get through another Sunday dinner at your mother's house. And the lean years, when the business failed. And the good years and the happy Christmases. All those things happened, Stanley, and because they happened, I deserved better than a stinking phone call from my husband's legal representative. You had a choice, Stanley, and you took the easy way out and it was a rotten thing to do. But now you're here in front of me, and you can't run away. And I finally get to have what you tried to cheat me out of. I finally get to say goodbye, Stanley.

Look, Dorothy, we...

Dorothy

I said goodbye, Stanley.