Dorothy Zbornak quotes from The Golden Girls

Rose

Blanche, how much longer do I have to have this hot towel on my face?

Blanche

Now just be patient, Rose. When I tell you to remove this towel, you are going to see what a dramatic difference Blanche's Miracle Beauty Treatment has made already! Honey, you will be transformed into a totally new woman! Okay, ready? Now, one, two... THREE!

Rose

Oh my GOD, I look horrible! ... Oh- Dorothy, it's you! I...

Dorothy

I'm sorry Rose, I'm sorry. I forgot it was a full moon.

Rose

Are you nervous because you haven't met Michael's fiancee?

Dorothy

No Rose, I'm nervous because if Sonny Bono gets elected mayor of Palm Springs, he's going to make all the postmen wear leather bell-bottoms and a fur vest.

Blanche

Oh, thank God! I can't live with myself anymore. Take me!

Dorothy

Blanche!

Blanche

Dorothy, please, stay out of this. I know what's best. Just slap the handcuffs on me, the bed's this way.

Y'know what's funny? I was supposed to be Mr. Mailman today.

Rose

Oh Dorothy, I'm glad you're here. Meet Mr. Terrific.

Dorothy

Oh, Mr. Terrific. Meet Mrs. Severely Depressed.

Rose

[seeing Mr. Terrific on the ledge] How's he doing?

Dorothy

I'll be honest. Right now, Squeaky Fromme has a better grasp on reality.

Stan

It's from Dorothy too.

If I had to thank her I'd choke on the words.

Dorothy

Please risk it.

My family once owned the largest tobacco plantation in all of Cuba. Do you know that at one time, I was the most famous Fidel in the entire country... until you-know-who showed up.

Rose

Who?

Dorothy

Rex the Wonder Horse, Rose.

Sophia

Who would've thought Blanche would date someone that long in the tooth?

Rose

I thought his teeth were nice. What I couldn't believe was how old he was! [leaves]

Dorothy

You know, sometimes I really cannot believe my ears.

Sophia

I know. I should've taped them back when you were seven.

Blanche

[to Fidel] Midnight for dessert.

Rose

[perplexed] Dessert at midnight???

Sophia

There's always room for Jello.

Blanche

[walking over to Sophia] I just hate you. I regret the day you ever moved in here.

Sophia

And I regret the day I gave birth to you!

Dorothy

Ma, Ma! I'm your daughter.

Sophia

Oh, yeah...I need a Bromo-Seltzer!

Blanche

I need a cheesecake!

I'm leaving. I'm not about to mourn a man who's been with every woman in this room!

Dorothy

He was never with me!

I guess even he had his standards.

Dorothy

[reading the attendance] Jim Shu? [double takes and looks again] Jim Shu? Oh, I get it. Gym shoe, very funny. [Asian man stands up]

Excuse me, I am Jim Shu.

Dorothy

I'm terribly sorry, I thought you were pulling my leg!

I don't think I can drink that much sake!

Blanche

Well, its just breaking my heart. I never cared for a man as much as Fidel Santo Domingo.

Dorothy

[corrects her] Santiago.

Blanche

Oh whatever. The point is, he's rich, he's handsome and we were made for each other...even if I don't speak Mexican.

Dorothy

Spanish.

Blanche

WHATEVER!

Blanche

[after telling a story about a man she once dated who had large, floppy ears] By the way, did you girls know that the size of a man's ears is directly proportional to the size of his other... bodily organs?

Rose

[puzzled] What do you mean?

Dorothy

He had a big floppy pancreas, Rose.

Blanche

So when the waiter brought my order, he set down a big bowl of gazpacho right in front of me, and I said, "I ordered the consomme'." He said, "A hot number like you needs something spicy." And I said, "I'll give you something spicy," and I poured the gazpacho right down his pants.

Dorothy

So you never went out with him.

Blanche

No... just slept with him. He wasn't my type.

Rose

Oh my goodness, Blanche, how could you?!

Dorothy

Oh come on, Rose, she's just teasing you.

Blanche

That's right, honey, I'm just teasin'. You always tease the one you love. Actually, tease and tickle. Actually, tease, tickle and spank. Actually...

Dorothy

Blanche!

Dorothy

Now look, all this nonsense has to stop, Rose. What we saw was not a UFO.

Rose

Well, it wasn't a plane. Planes aren't that thin, or that bright.

Dorothy

Neither is Oprah Winfrey, but that doesn't make her a flying saucer.