Dorothy Zbornak quotes from The Golden Girls

Rose

Where are you going?

Dorothy

To either get ice-cream or commit a felony. I'll decide in the car.

Dorothy

We're interested in arranging a funeral.

Mr. Pfeiffer

Isn't that lovely. The three of you planning ahead for Mother.

Sophia

Hey, Puh-feiffer, how would you like a punch in your puh-face?

Dorothy

Mr. Pfeiffer...

Mr. Pfeiffer

Oh, no, it's Puh-feiffer. The "P" is not silent.

Dorothy

...anyway, Mr...Puh-feiffer...about the puh-funeral -- about the funeral...

[to Blanche] Oh yeah, I didn't recognize you with your clothes on.

Blanche

I beg your pardon?

With my binoculars I have a terrific view of your bedroom window. I think some of the stuff you do is illegal. I'm looking into it.

Blanche

Why you miserable old... [Dorothy grabs Blanche as she lunges for Mrs. Claxton]

Dorothy

Now Blanche, let's try to get along. Mrs. Claxton, I don't know if you remember me, Dorothy Zbornak.

Sure, I know you. You're the one with nothing going on in your bedroom.

Dorothy

Why you miserable old... [Blanche and Rose grab her as she lunges at Mrs. Claxton]

Dorothy

Ma, where are you going?

Sophia

To throw some holy water on her [Mrs. Claxton]. If she spits up pea soup and her head spins around, we're in big trouble!

[delivering a heatfelt eulogy at Mrs. Claxton's funeral] Yes, Celia Rubinstein loved all mankind! She was...

Dorothy

WHO?!

Celia Rubenstein.

Blanche

This funeral isn't for Celia Rubenstein, it's for Frieda Claxton!

Mr. Pfeiffer

The Rubenstein funeral is down the hall.

Oh! Oh, I'm terribly sorry for the intrusion! ...Frieda Claxton, wasn't she the lady who lived in that old house on Richmond Street?

Blanche

Yes.

Dorothy

Ma, did Jean sleep with you last night?

Sophia

Dorothy, there are a lot of things I want to try before I die but that's not one of them.

Dorothy

Oh Blanche, have you seen Jean this morning?

Blanche

She and Rose shared a room last night. Listen, Dorothy... You don't think Jean would ever...do you?

Dorothy

Look Blanche, I DO NOT believe that anything other than Gin Rummy happened between Jean and Rose last night.

Rose

Dorothy. Something terrible has happened.

Dorothy

OH GOD!

Sophia

You idiot! If someone told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?

Sophia

For starters, Jean is a lesbian.

Dorothy

Ma.

Blanche

What's funny about that?

Sophia

You aren't surprised?

Blanche

Of course not. I mean I've never known any personally, but isn't Danny Thomas one?

Dorothy

Not Lebanese, Blanche. Lesbian.

Sophia

Jean thinks she's in love with Rose.

Blanche

Rose? Jean has the hots for Rose?!! I don't believe it, I do not believe it!

Dorothy

I was pretty surprised myself.

Blanche

Well, I'll bet! To think Jean would prefer Rose over me! That's ridiculous!

Dorothy

Blanche, please!

Blanche

Now you tell me the truth, if you had to pick between me and Rose, who would you pick? Who?

Dorothy

Blanche, pull yourself together!

Blanche

Oh... I'm sorry. Does Rose know?

Dorothy

No.

Blanche

Oh good, I don't think you ought to tell her. After all, she's not as worldly and sophisticated about these things as I am.

Sophia

Absolutely. If she finds out Danny Thomas is a lesbian, it'll break her heart.

Dorothy

Hi, Ma. Whatcha watching?

Sophia

I dunno, one of those Steven Spielberger movies.

Dorothy

That's not a Steven Spielberg movi-...what are they doing?

Sophia

You know what they're doing. We had that talk when you were 12.

Dorothy

Ma, I can't believe this! You rented a dirty movie?

Sophia

Dirty is in the eye of the beholder. Okay, that's a little dirty.

Dorothy

I cannot watch any more of this.

Rose

[coming in with Blanche] Hi.

Sophia

Wrong button. That's fast forward.

Rose

Oh, my.. what are they doing?

Blanche

I know what they're doing, but I never saw anyone do it at that speed.

Rose

It reminds me of my Uncle Ricky's rabbit farm!

Sophia

That's reverse, Dorothy.

Blanche

I did that once. [the others turn to look at her] It was his birthday.

[about Blanche] Is she happy or sad?

Rose

I'm not sure. I've never heard her make that sound before.

Dorothy

I once heard her make that sound, and I assure you, she was happy.

Dorothy

Let's take it from the top.

Rose

From the top. Oh, that's sounds so musical!

Dorothy

[pointing at the piano] Tickle the ivories, Rose.

Rose

[tickling] Goochie-goochie-goochie-goo! [laughs]

Dorothy

Rose, play or die! [Rose begins playing]

Dorothy

[singing the lyrics] "Miami is nice/So I'll say it twice/Miami is nice/Miami is nice/Miami is..." W-, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute! You put in an extra "Miami is nice"!

Rose

I had to. It hurts the music if you don't put it in.

Dorothy

Yeah, but the lyrics don't make any sense! I mean, it goes, "Miami is nice/So I'll say it twice."

Rose

Oh, I see your point. Well, what about this: "Miami is nice/So I'll say it thrice!"

Dorothy

"Thrice"?! Who the hell says "thrice"?!

Rose

It's a word!

Dorothy

So is "interuterine". It does not belong in a song.

Rose

[playing and singing] Miami, you're cuter than, an interuterine...

Dorothy

Margaret, uh, please sit down.

Blanche

Maybe we oughta get her a booster seat.

Dorothy

[to Margaret] Can I get you a drink?

Blanche

How 'bout chocolate milk?

Rose

[sitting down next to Margaret] So, Margaret, you're from Atlanta.

Well that's right.

Blanche

That child over there is trying to steal my daddy away. She ain't better but a tick on a slow moving hound dog.

Dorothy

Why is everyone around here talking like Burl Ives?