Dorothy Zbornak quotes from The Golden Girls

Rose

She's in there!

Dorothy

Really, Columbo?

Sophia

Did you see him? Total fruitcake! We're talking serial murderer!

Rose

Well, if somebody tries to murder cereal, he should see a psychiatrist. [laughs]

Dorothy

Don't talk for the rest of the afternoon.

Dorothy

[on menopause] What is the big deal, Blanche? It's nothing. Look at it this way: you don't get cramps once a month. You don't go on eating binges once a month. You don't get crazy once a month.

Sophia

You just grow a beard.

Dorothy

Don't listen to her, Blanche.

Sophia

You grow a beard, Dorothy! Believe me, I woke up one morning, I looked like Arafat!

Blanche

Oh, my GOD!

Rose

I never grew a beard!

Sophia

You never grew brains, either!

Dorothy

It is not a fly, Rose.

Rose

Spanish Fly is not a fly?

Dorothy

No.

Rose

What is it?

Dorothy

It's a beetle.

Dorothy

Yes.

Rose

How do they know it's Spanish?

Dorothy

Because it wears a little sombrero, Rose!

Rose

Well why don't they just call it a beetle...Spanish Beetle?

Dorothy

Because they call it Spanish Fly.

Rose

Then what do they call their flies?

Dorothy

I DON'T CARE, ROSE!!! Forget it! I don't care! The minks can just sit there and we'll lose all our money! I don't care! Just don't mention Spanish Fly to me ever again!

Rose

You're really touchy about these Spanish Flies, aren't you.

Rose

I was booked, fingerprints, mug shots, I'm a known criminal! I'll never be able to go back to my hometown again!

Blanche

Oh honey, nobody back home's ever gonna find out about this.

Rose

Oh yes they will! The St. Olaf Courier-Dispatch is known for its investigative reporting!

Dorothy

You're right, that series they did on oat fungus was an uncompromising piece of journalism.

Sophia

I get to go with you? I don't have to stay here and get gassed with the termites? Oh Dorothy, you're such a good daughter.

Dorothy

She'll get over it. And even if she doesn't, who cares? We're going to meet Burt Reynolds!

Rose

Sophia did you come to bail us out?

Dorothy

No Rose, she's dropping off a manicotti with a file in it.

Where are your roommates, Mrs. Petrillo?

Sophia

They're not here.

Dorothy

MA!!!!

Sophia

Don't "Ma" me, you cheap floozy!

Dorothy

Ma, you would do this to your own flesh and blood?!

Sophia

You'll get over it, Dorothy. And if you don't, who cares?! I'm on my way to see Burt Reynolds!

[to Sophia] Which one's the slut?

I AM!!!

Dorothy

"Other girls who will take their money." Do you know who they think we are?

Rose

Waitresses!

Dorothy

No Rose, hookers.

Rose

Downtown? He means jail!

Dorothy

Oh really Rose, I thought he meant Neiman Marcus.

Rose

I've never been in jail. I won't make it. They always prey on the weak and innocent. The others will taunt me for trying to excel at my work in the laundry. I'll fall in with a bad crowd, whose leader looks like Ethel Merman. And I'll be forced to engineer a daring prison break using my laundry cart. From that time on, I won't know a moment's peace. I'll scar my fingerprints with battery acid and I'll run from town to town, taking jobs that people have who got bad grades in school. And then one day, they'll find me, holed up in a little shack in the Louisiana bayou. And a sheriff named Bull will call my name out over a megaphone and when I make a run for it he'll riddle my body with bullets! Oh please don't let them take me downtown! I want to live! I want to live!

Dorothy

You're not very good in a crisis are you Rose?

Dorothy

[upset because Blanche has been going out with Stan] I thought you were my friend.

Blanche

I am your friend!

Dorothy

Then why are you sleeping with my husband?!

Blanche

What are y'all lookin' at? Get on back to your LeSueur peas.

Blanche

Dorothy, your husband's here.

Dorothy

I don't have a husband. Call the police.

Your EX-husband, darling.

Dorothy

(not missing a beat) I'LL call the police.

Rose

We wanted to get the best corner before Johnny No-Thumbs shows up with his lunch wagon.

Dorothy

Johnny No-Thumbs ?

Rose

Well actually, he has several fingers missing from each hand. It's remarkable to watch him make a veal and pepper hero. [heads for the door]

Dorothy

Ma, you are trying to muscle in on a guy named Johnny No-Thumbs? Are you crazy? He's probably connected with the mob!

Sophia

Relax! If they were his friends, he'd still have his thumbs! [opens the front door]

Rose

He's a very sweet man, although the first time he waved hello, Sophia misunderstood and gave him the finger back.