Philip quotes from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

Maybe Will did get a job.

Philip

Oh, please, Vivian. You'd believe that boy if he told you that he was a big rap star whose album just went platinum.

Philip

Geoffrey, after seeing your good work this past year, we have decided to increase your pay by twenty dollars per week.

Geoffrey

(mockingly) Thank you, sir. And, with my newfound wealth, I shall be able to treat myself to a Happy Meal!

Will

Hey, grandma. What do you think?

Carlton

It's a bet, Grandma.

Hattie

Don't tell me what happens if you lose. In fact, I don't want to know what happens if you win. Oh, Hell. Let's just never mention it again.

Carlton

Dad, it's not what it looks like. Will and I are making a dress.

Philip

That's exactly what it looks like.

Philip

Carlton, ninety dollars for a pair of socks? That's ridiculous.

It certainly is. Oh Philip, that's nine dollars.

Philip

Oh...Ashley. How could you manage to charge eighty dollars worth of trinkets on our account at the drug store?

That's eighty cents. Sweety, do you need to get your eyes checked?

Philip

Don't be ridiculous Vivian.

This has been going on for months. If you move the TV any closer to the bed, I'll be sleeping with Jay Leno.

Philip

Now, this looks like it says "300 dollars for shoes." What's that say?

300 dollars for shoes.

Point being?

Carlton

What do you think of this one, Dad?

Philip

I look like Little Richard, Attorney at Law.

Geoffrey

Dinner is served. (sees Philip) A-whop-bop-aloobop-a-wop-bam-boom!

Marge, when you told Will that we chained ourselves together at sit-ins, you're only giving him the romantic part of the struggle. Girlfriend, you are leaving out everything that went before it: the leaflets, the petitions, the years of trying to work through the system.

The system doesn't work. You have to blow the door down. Looks to me like you forgot that.

Philip

You talk as if I wasn't there with you in Birmingham facing dogs and firehoses. This is me, Olufemi, the same Olufemi that was with you the night Harlem went up in flames, but now I have a family and I choose not to fight in the streets. I have an office to fight from and I have fought and won cases for fair housing, affirmative action, health care and I am not ashamed to write a big fat check for something I believe in and that doesn't make me any less committed than you, so don't you dare look down your damn nose at me, Adebola.

Yes.

Philip

Twenty of us tried to squeeze into that tent. Vivian and I jumped into that lake naked.

I wasn't at Woodstock.

Philip

I wanna know what excuse you two have for pulling such a stupid stunt.

Carlton

We needed the money.

Philip

For what? And I want the truth.

Will

All right. It's like this Uncle Phil. See, Carlton got this inside tip on a stock.

Philip

Federal offense. Go on.

Will

Then we pawned Aunt Viv's bracelet to get the money for the stock.

Philip

Grand Larceny. Impressive.

Will

Then we lost the money, so we had to strip to get the bracelet back.

Philip

That would be indecent exposure. Is there more?

Carlton

I'm afraid so dad. We never got the clasp fixed on mom's bracelet.

Philip

You never got...I don't know what to say. What can I do? What do you boys think I should do?

Will

I don't know...reward us for our honesty? (they laugh again) Hey, it worked for the Beave!

Philip

"The beave"!

Philip

[loudly] DO I LOOK LIKE A WHITE GUY NAMED WARD?! Now, you get that bracelet back and for the next six weeks, I don’t want to hear you breathe. Or I’m calling the feds MYSELF!

Will

[pause] I guess this probably ain’t the best time to tell him we ran over the mailbox.

Philip

Vivian, where were you yesterday?

Shooting hoops with Michael Jordan.

Philip

For extra money, I had to work for the Princeton Daily. My first assignment was to interview the town's most famous stripper: Boom-Boom Lasalle.

Will

I wonder why they called her that.

Philip

For some reason, she took a liking to me. So she invited me to come with her and her sister to her dressing room for drinks.

Will

You the man, Uncle Phil.

Philip

Anyway, one thing led to another and before you know it, this old country boy...(Vivian slams a plate of food on the table in front of him) finished his Yoo-Hoo and went right home.

Wait a minute, Philip. Go back to when you finished your Yoo-Hoo.

I asked him [Judge Robinson] to pass the salt and he told me to go long.

Philip

He was just kidding.

Philip, he broke a window!

Philip

Okay, okay. We can't stay here. We'll freeze to death. Just get all the stuff out of the back seat and we'll... we'll go ahead on foot. Get out of the car.

Will

But you just...

Philip

This is a good time for us to band together to show what we're made of.

Will

Does Bigfoot have to come down here with a chainsaw before you admit we're in trouble!?

Philip

Hi. I'm Philip Banks, and I'm running for superior court ju-ju-judge. Ju-ju-judge.

Philip

What the hell is that?!

[amused] That was our New Year's Eve party.

Will

Oh, oh, Uncle Phil, I just put in a couple of old home movies, you know, to show your human side. It gets better. Check it out.

Philip

[in video] If you put me on the bench, I'll take a real bite outta crime! Bi-bi-bite! Bi-bi-bite! Bite!

Philip

Vote for Philip Banks! Philip Banks! Philip Banks! Philip Banks!

Will

(whoops; hoots ala Arsenio Hall) Emmy!