Philip quotes from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

Philip

My God. Is that Will?

No, Philip, it's Richard Nixon in a Will mask.

Carlton

No, Mom. I think that's really Will!

The jerk sentenced me to 6 months in jail for a crime I didn't commit. I'm just here to make sure he DEAD!

Philip

Thank you. Anyone else?

Yeah, he hired me to replant his garden. And when it came time for him to pay me, he called immigration, on me!

Philip

Gracias.

I knew Carl, biblically.

Philip

Oh, well, please.

With him, it was just a bunch of sex all the time, like dating Thumper. Never felt I really got to know him. Never felt he cared about my needs.

Philip

Uh, you were his wife?

His mistress!

Philip

Okay.

For 20 years. The longest years of my life.

Philip

You don't have any pleasant memories at all of him?

Well,... no. The man's idea of sweet talk was, "when you gonna bring your sister around"?

Philip

Well, thank you for sharing.

Philip

Oh, my God.

What is it? A boy or a girl?

Philip

This isn't a sonogram. It's a bill for $25,000. This baby's costing me a fortune.

Will

Congratulations, you're having a Hilary!

Philip

You did what?! Are you out of your horny, little adolescent minds?

Carlton

I know I am.

Philip

What baseball?

Will

(in Hispanic accent) What baseball? Well, baseball sport where man with stick hit ball and run. Sorta like this. (he tries to escape the empty living room, but Philip catches him by the shirt)

Philip

My dining club is what made me what I am today.

Will

Nah. Too easy.

Will

Man, we're eating.

Carlton

I have a big zit.

Philip

Carlton, we're eating.

[all scream] STOP WITH THE DAMN BELL!!!!!

Philip

Vivian's gonna kill me.

Will

Calm down, Uncle Phil. You're winning a lot of points with this second marriage thing. I'm sure whatever you did, Aunt Viv will forgive you.

Philip

I lost my wedding ring.

Will

I see. Where shall we scatter the ashes?

Philip

Since when do you take care of the babies?

Jazz

Babies? I'm here to take care of Hilary.

Philip

[sees Ashley with another guy] Hold it. Hold it. Who do we have here?

Ashley

We met at the mall.

Philip

What's your name, son?

This.

Philip

This is a stick with a snake wrapped around it.

It's a symbol. Like Prince?

Philip

Prince Who?

See? That's exactly why fathers ain't allowed at the mall.

What's this thing?

Philip

It's a symbol for GET OUTTA MY HOUSE!!!

Philip

[to Will as he walks in the room] Excuse me! Is this what you've been tellin' my boy?!

Will

What?

Philip

That life is one big orgy?!

Philip

Well, college is hard work, son. Followed by a family, which is even more hard work! And a teenage daughter who doesn't wanna be seen with you in public! And a wife! A wife who won't let you anywhere near her! And a butler! A butler who may be the father of your child! And a gardener! A GUARD...!!

Carlton

DAD! DAD!

Trevor

(on TV; proposes to Hilary) Hilary Banks!

Hilary

Yes, Trevor?!

Trevor

Will you marry me?! (slams into the ground; whole family and Geoffrey watch in disbelief)

Will

I ain't no bungee expert or nothin', but I don't think he's supposed to be slammin' into the ground like that.

Hilary

"Please Stand By"? Great, the president's about to interrupt my marriage proposal.

Philip

Let's just pray that Trevor's okay. (later, after returning from Trevor's funeral) It was a lovely service.

Will

Trevor didn't look so bad for a dude that had a concrete facelift.

Carlton

Fool! Like that was his real head.

Could you two show a little compassion? Your sister is right behind you.

Hilary

I still can't understand.

Sweetheart, the lord giveth and the lord taketh away.

Hilary

No, I mean technically, am I a widow or what? This is all my fault, if I hadn't asked for a special proposal, Trevor would've been in my arms, instead of in my purse. (Pulls out a small urn.) I love you, Trevor. (Cries)

Will

Um, Hilary? Trevor wasn't cremated.

Hilary

Eww! Then who's this? (Hands the urn to Will who in turn, passes the urn to Geoffrey.)

Geoffrey

(Holding the urn) I'll see him to the door, sir.

Will

I'm taking... [looks at his class schedule] ...Western Pornography.

Carlton

[looks at schedule] Western Philosophy.

Philip

Western Philosophy, I'm impressed.

Carlton

He doesn't even know what Western Philosophy is.

Will

I do, too. It asks questions like, "Did anybody really think Kool Moe Dee was a cowboy?" (singing) The Wild Wild West. The Wild Wild West.

Carlton

(singing) I used to live downtown, on 29... (stops singing)

Philip

The man [his old college professor] changed my life. And you know how he did? He challenged me.

Will

To what, a pie eating contest?