Philip quotes from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

Philip

Will, there's something you should know: Sometimes... parents just don't understand.

Philip

Ashley's right. What are we fighting about? We all used to love Christmas. Now we take everything so seriously.

Philip

You know, Will, if you had pulled a stunt like this when you were in high school, there's no telling what I would do. For starters, I would do this.

Philip

In the first place, it's not "Banks" it's "Your Honor". Now you get your butt over to that telephone and you pull the District Attorney from whatever meal he may be eating and you tell him that you have Judge Philip Banks in jail under a bogus charge. And you might want to mention the fact that we have been denied due process: A phone call, access to legal representation and every other conceivable right guaranteed to us by the Constitution. And don't forget to mention that no statements have been taken, no witnesses interviewed, and none of the most fundamental procedures that the newest rookie on a beat would know, have been followed. My nephew and I are completely innocent, and if you don't take care of this matter, it will be you having your picture taken with numbers across your chest!

Philip

I want to talk to you.

Will

About what?

Philip

You know. From the minute you walked through that door, you've been a one-man wrecking crew, trying to tear down what's taken a lot of hard work to build up, skewering everything with your flippant shenanigans!

Will

I was with you up until "skewering".

How was the flight, honey?

Will

Yo, the plane ride was stupid. I was up in the first class...

Philip

Excuse me?

Will

No, I'm saying the plane ride was dope.

Philip

Excuse me?!

Will

No... Stupid, dope, it's not what you think. How would I say this... [in Bryant Gumbel like voice] the flight was really neat.

Philip

Ashley, honey, where is your violin?

Ashley

Big Sal has it.

Big Sal?

Ashley

He owns this really cool store where you don't even need any money. You just go in and give him something you don't even want and he gives you this ticket and...

Philip

A pawn shop?! You took her to a pawn shop?!

Will

Yeah, you don't have many pawn shops in Bel-Air. I had to drive all the way to east L.A.

East L.A.?

Philip

How dare you pawn her violin?!

Ashley

(about Ice Tray coming to visit) Word up. This is gonna be cold, stupid on the serious tip.

Philip

What did you say, young lady?

Ashley

I mean, this is quite an exceptional idea, Daddy. Peachy keen even.

Will

(to Jazz) What kind of poem is that?

Jazz

I'm starvin'. When do we eat here?

Philip

We eat here later. You eat here never.

Jazz

Looks like you eat here often.

You mean you agree with her?

Philip

Vivian, I'm the one who says they should be doing more work around the house. You're the one who is too easy on them.

Oh, really? Does this sound familiar? (imitating Hilary) Daddy, I need $300.

Philip, I've been thinking about what Hilary said. That stuff about us putting too much pressure on her, how hard it is to live up to a college professor, how she believed she couldn't admit to us she failed.

Philip

You mean you bought that crap?!

Philip

Well, Mama, yes I am. I try to set some rules down for Will and you undermine my authority. I know how to handle things. I am an adult.

Hattie

I am too, Zeke.

I know that.

Hattie

Do you? How many adults do you tell to take a nap?

Philip

Mama, I was just worried about you.

Hattie

But I'm fine, baby.

Philip

I know. When you had the flu and I talked to you on the phone, you sounded so small. I just want you to live a long time.

Hattie

Then Zeke, let me live.

Philip

I think I'm getting better.

That's not the way I see it. You still stink.

Geoffrey

I wouldn't talk.

Carlton

That was my point.

Philip

That's no excuse, Carlton. Just because Will teases you, you have to do something this foolish?

Carlton

Dad, I know it seemed foolish, but I had to show him that I had the courage to survive down there.

Philip

That's not courage. Courage is being the way you are no matter what anybody says about you. Will teases me, but you don't see me goin' "Yo, yo, yo, homey, yo."

Carlton

There's no "yo" at the end of it. I'm pretty sure of it.

Your daughter suffers from displaced aggression syndrome.

Oh, Dr. Hoover, I'm afraid I would have to give a second opinion before I could believe that.

Oh, it's definitely displaced aggression syndrome.

Let me put it in simpler terms. This is where a child acts out the repressed hostility of an unhappy home.

And what is that supposed to mean?

Oh, too many big words?

No, Miss Thing, but I got a couple small words for you.

Philip

Vivian!

Will

[enters] Hey, good news, people. The girls...

Obviously, your wife is upset. It's common with women in mid-life. I'd be happy to prescribe something.

Philip

Dr. Hoover, the school where you got your degree? You find it on the back of a matchbook?

Will

Please, my humble brothers, please...

Penn State, my brother.

Philip

Really? Good school. I was thinking of going there if my scholarship to Princeton, Yale, Wharton, and Talladega Tech had fallen through.

Impressive! You must've been quite an athlete in your thinner days.

Will

Okay, time out! Time out!

Philip

Hey, hey, hey! Let's stick to the topic, okay?

Fine. Speaking as a doctor, I think your daughter oughta be heavily sedated and immediately institutionalized.

Philip

Well, speaking as a lawyer, I can only say that your daughter suits the criminal profile to a T. Right down to the low, sloping forehead, and the wide jaw suitable for grains and small rodents!

I think you must have her confused with yo' mama.

Will

That's it, Uncle Phil! You're grounded! [to Dr. Hoover] Y'know, I'd be happy to prescribe something for that.