“Season Two, Episode Seven” quotes from The Fast Show

We took this skull... from another laboratory! Heh, heh. Didn't we, Dave? Huh, huh.

It happens to every young man, I'm sure... [quietly rambles] ...she was quite beautiful... ...she had a very long neck... ...very intelligent... ...really piercing eyes... ...of course, the war came along... ...really beautiful song: la la la, I can't remember anymore... ...I was in absolute floods of tears... ...it was very, very cold, and... ...and I held her in my arms... [stares silently at the camera] ...I'm afraid I was very drunk.

Excuse me, can you help me I've just come from the park. Someone just came up and took off with my dog.

Right, yes, hold on there a minute madam. (Turns to second copper) George - there's a lady here says she's looking for eternal salvation in our lord.

Another convert serge?

I didn't say that. I said someone came up and took off with my dog.

Right scratch that George, she's changed her mind. A dog you say madam, right what's its name.

It's a she. She is called Jess, Jess.

(writes down) So that's J-E-S-U-S.

No. She's called Jess and you've just written Jesus.

So I have, still it's a lovely word isn't it. Jesus.

Jesus. He died for all our sins you know madam.

Oh right, sorry madam so you say you were in the park when you lost little Jessie.

Would that be the park by the church madam?

No, the one by the lake.

Yeah, but you can see the church of our lady from there though can't you madam?

Can you? In that case madam would you have been able to hear the faithful singing from there something like this 'kum ba yah, my lord, kum ba yah'. Would you have been able to overhear anything like that madam.

I suppose so.

Hmm. And if you had heard it how loudly would they have been singing? Would it have been something like (sings softly) 'kum ba yah, my lord, kum ba yah. kum ba yah, my lord, kum ba yah' or would it have been more sort of (both sing enthusiastically) 'Oh lord, kum ba yah'.

Right, umm look, if they had been singing, from where I was it would have been about as loud as something like (sings softly) 'kum ba yah, my lord, kum ba yah, kum ba yah, my lord, kum ba yah'.

Could be Ted!

Now madam, this person that took your dog. Can you give us a description of the man who took your dog.

He was quite tall and had sort of long straggly hair with a sort of beard.

That's right George, it does sound a little bit like Jesus.

Look, are you two going to do anything to help me.

Yes.

And don't say 'Yes we're going to pray'.

No it's alright. Now did this man... (George gasps) Oh my goodness, I've just been overwhelmed by the love of our lord.

Wonderful when that happens it's it.

Look I don't wish to appear cynical but someone has stolen my dog and I want to know if you're going to do anything about it.

Well actually madam something here apparently we arrested a man earlier today that matches the description you just gave us.

Well that's marvelous news.

And even better news we forgave him and let him go.