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The Fast Show

Ken, Customer and others in “Season Three, Episode One”

[a man is escorted to a changing cubicle by Ken and enters it while Ken waits outside]

Ken

Haven't I seen you somewhere before, sir?

Customer

I am an actor. I have done one or two commercials.

Ken

We don't watch television, sir.

Customer

Well I have done some Shakespeare. Although you probably wouldn't have...

Ken

Oh, that's right sir, I've seen your Hamlet, haven't I sir? It was only a small production, sir, but your Hamlet really stood out sir. Ooh.

[Kenneth appears in the changing compartment]

Kenneth

Have you seen Kenneth Brannagh's Hamlet sir?

Customer

Yea..yes.

Ken

Oh, Kenneth Brannagh's an extraordinary Hamlet isn't it sir?

Kenneth

Oh!

Ken

Quite exquisite sir. Ooh

Kenneth

The thing's he does with his Hamlet beggars belief sir. I thought I'd seen every type of Hamlet there was till I saw Kenneth's.

Ken

Suit you.

Kenneth

Suit you, sir.

Ken

You didn't find it too long?

Kenneth

No, I like a long Hamlet. Don't you sir.

Ken

Oh. It was even longer than Olivier's.

Kenneth

Yes, but when I saw Olivier's Hamlet on stage it was perfect. The audience gasped in wonder at it, sir.

Ken

I didn't think Kenneth Brannagh had the physical presence to carry off such an enormous Hamlet, sir.

Kenneth

Ah, but he did Ken and apparently it brought tears to Kate Winslet's eyes.

Ken

Oh! Oh!

Kenneth

Suit you, sir.

Ken

Oh! Suit you.

[Kenneth peers over the swing-door]

Kenneth

Goodness, you have got a big penis, haven't you.

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