“Season Three, Episode One” quotes from The Fast Show

Me, the 13th Duke of Wybourne? Here? At a French maids finishing school? At three o'clock in the morning? With my reputation? Bingo!

Me, the 13th Duke of Wybourne? Here? In a student-nurses hall of residence? At three o'clock in the morning? With my reputation? Has no-one thought of the consequences? Oh well.

Haven't I seen you somewhere before, sir?

I am an actor. I have done one or two commercials.

We don't watch television, sir.

Well I have done some Shakespeare. Although you probably wouldn't have...

Oh, that's right sir, I've seen your Hamlet, haven't I sir? It was only a small production, sir, but your Hamlet really stood out sir. Ooh.

Have you seen Kenneth Brannagh's Hamlet sir?

Yea..yes.

Oh, Kenneth Brannagh's an extraordinary Hamlet isn't it sir?

Oh!

Quite exquisite sir. Ooh

The thing's he does with his Hamlet beggars belief sir. I thought I'd seen every type of Hamlet there was till I saw Kenneth's.

Suit you.

Suit you, sir.

You didn't find it too long?

No, I like a long Hamlet. Don't you sir.

Oh. It was even longer than Olivier's.

Yes, but when I saw Olivier's Hamlet on stage it was perfect. The audience gasped in wonder at it, sir.

I didn't think Kenneth Brannagh had the physical presence to carry off such an enormous Hamlet, sir.

Ah, but he did Ken and apparently it brought tears to Kate Winslet's eyes.

Oh! Oh!

Suit you, sir.

Oh! Suit you.

Goodness, you have got a big penis, haven't you.

At the time, I was still a... [rambles] ...like a giant marshmallow... [rambles] ...fingerless gloves, very sensual... [rambles] ...just off St Alexander's Square, you know, behind the chocolate shop... [rambles] ...the head became completely detached... [rambles; makes bubbling noises] ...we always felt like we were being watched, like that... [rambles] ...I went completely cross-eyed... [crosses his eyes] ...I can't do it now... [rambles] ...I mean, you must have been there, oh you must go, it's quite, quite, quite, quite beautiful... [rambles] ...lorry load of interesting cheeses... [rambles] ...there is no art to find the minds construction of the face, mmm... [rambles] ...and then they made their burrows in rotten wood... [rambles] ...a face like a mad baboon and an arse to match... [rambles; moves his arms as if running] ...shoot him, you fool!... ...I didn't hear any of it of course, I'm afraid, I was very, very drunk.

What is a woman, Paul?

I beg your pardon, Swiss?

Watch me. Learn from me. I could teach you everything there is to know about this business. These aren't cars we're selling here, they're dreams. And to know about cars, to know about dreams, you have to know about women.

Right, yes, Swiss.

A woman is not just a creature that likes fine wines, Whitney Houston films, and the manly smell of a pipe. A woman is a mysterious, complex box of tricks. When you're selling a car to woman, you have to imagine you're making love to her. You have to seduce her. And when she buys, that's the Big-O: Orgasm central. Multiple orgasm would be if she bought lots of cars.

Like a fleet?

Yes, but, that never happens.

What if you're selling a car to a bloke?

Then it's all about todgers. These aren't cars, they're todgers.

But I thought you said they were dreams?

You ever dream about todgers, Paul?

No.

No, no. Neither do I, obviously. When you're selling a car to man, it all comes down to who's got the biggest todger. You have to make him think that his is bigger. But, in order to sell it to him, you have to know that yours is the biggest. You have to keep telling yourself, "I've got the biggest todger in the world".

I've got the biggest todger in the world.

It's not as big as mine, Paul. It's not as big as mine.