The Cleveland Show Season 1 quotes

There is no joy in Stoolbend, mighty Cleveland has struck out.

Aw, yeah! I'd eat me! This is my best Halloween costume since that time I went as Greg Page back in Australia.

Trick or Treat! [Takes a piece of candy from Herbert's plastic pumpkin bucket]

Take two. [Junior does so] Take three. [Junior takes more candy] Take four. [Junior takes even more candy] That's enough! Happy Halloween! [Skips backwards into his house, shuts the door, and giggles from inside]

And then the ghost looked into the child's eyes. [Rallo whimpers] And he said, BOO!!! [Rallo screams and kicks Cleveland in the balls]

Ow! Bitch!

Breakfast, anyone?

Rallo

What restaurant is that from? IHOP because diabetes took one of my legs?

Ain't nothing but something to wear.

Why the hell are you dressed like a damn buttery flapjack?

This is my Halloween costume. It's what I'm gonna wear trick-or-treating.

Trick-or-treating? You're fourteen! You're too old to be trick-or-treating! You go out looking like that, the other kids will eat you for breakfast!

But this is no laughing matter! Grow up and get out of that costume!

[drops the can] What the Halloween?

Check it out, Junior. I'm the late baseball hall-of-famer Willie Stargell. And Donna's Michelle Obama with Oprah's arms.

Donna

Hey!

But Pops, you said I was too old to dress up.

You are. And you're too young.

WHAT?!

See, you're at that awkward age where dressing up is lame.

So Junior, how's your woodshop project going?

Whhheeee! I'm making sawdust angels.

That's your project?

Who cares? It's shop. It's not like a real class.

Not a real class?

I'm sorry. I didn't see you, Mr. Thumbs.

That's what we call him behind his back.

You think these are funny?

I can't walk them damn street without people pulling over and asking to buy me a ride.

[laughs] They think you're hitchhikers.

You better get serious, young fella. This project is worth 75% of your grade.

We get a grade in this class? Well if I failed sharp, I'll disappoint my father. And I've never disappointed my father!

Get your act together, Brown. If your final project doesn't blow me away, I will not hesitate to give you an F.

You would F me? Well how do you even write down grades?

I report them orally. That's right, I will F you orally.

Just taking my state championship ring out for a little walk.

Hmm.

Of course you'll never know what that feels like, loser.

Yeah? Well you'll never know what loser feels like, winner.

You've won this round, Cleveland. So I guess I do know what loser feels like.

Tim

I'm, uh, gonna go get a beer.

Shh, shh. It's coming. It's results time.

I wish I could cross my fingers.

Here now with the news, Dwayne Meighan.

Good evening. I'm Dwayne Meighan. Today was the day when they had had an election. Everybody went and said what they had about a mission called the Brown-Krinklesac for the fat people or the fat individual. They had people that you assign your name on a sheet and then you could say yes or no and that... was for you but everybody got to say yes or no. At this juncture, several people are on a voluntary basis had encountered what they had called a ballot. There was what they had said yes or no. They had made one pile for yes and another pile for those who said no. Both pile were then counted, double-checked as the result for which was made official were had been a mission had actually been defeated.

Aww.

Donna

I'm sorry, Junior.

They had had a camera out at what they had at a part on polling place earlier with my friend Larvell. Larvel.

Donna

[on the phone with Cleveland] No sign of Janet or Holt. How about you?

[on the phone with Donna] Nothing. And I've looked everywhere too. [takes a drink of his cocktail] Even as we speak, I'm sitting here with the Las Vegas Police Department searching through the reckus of all incoming citizens. Sipping coffee out of a little styrofoam cup in a windowless room. [Donna comes up as his voice is in both cell phones] Staring at a flickering computer screen...

[cries] Oh, hoh-hoh-hoh-hoh. Oh, Donna. I'm in a pool. I'm sorry. I'll look, I'll find them. This pool don't mean nothing to me! As opposed I wanted to get caught. I'm sick! [finishes his cocktail and cries, still finishes drink his cocktail and continues crying, finishes the last of his cocktail and takes his straw and umbrella out, eats his lemon and tries to get the last drop of his cocktail]

Donna

Give me a break.

Are you an idiot?! I want you to open the front door! It's heavy!

Hey, Murray! UP...YOURS!!!

Thanks for coming to get drunk for charity, guys.

Uh, whatever Fox is paying us. [looks around] Wow, Cleveland. I figured it was gonna be all black guys, but this is great.

Missed ya.

I came as soon as I heard. Then I drove straight down. Giggety-giggety.

Comedy-comedy. [to Joe] But seriously, Joe. [slowly] Thank you for coming here to help with our charity function for the "disabled".

You do know I hear perfectly well. Don't ya, Cleveland?

I know you're trying. [turns Joe's wheelchair around] Brave, brave Joe. [pushes him as he screams]

Tim

What do you think of Cleveland's old friends?

Holt

Gay.

Lester

Damn right gay.

Tim

Yeah, you guys are so gay. Gay, gay, gay, gay! So gay! [they laugh]

Really uh, progressive-thinking friends you got there, Cleveland.

Yeah, I guess they like to throw around negatively inflective labels. [Joe comes back]

You guys are the gays!

No, Joe.

Joe.

Donna

I'll teach him to wash my dishes in my own house. [realizes] Wait... what the fuck am I doin'?

Good. All right now accelerate just a little bit.

How am I doing, Daddy?

Fine. Just put your pinkies down.

[looks back] Oh my god! You hit a cyclist!

What should I do, Daddy?

Drive, drive, drive!

Pinkies!

5-0, 5-0.

Faster, Junior!

I can't shake them!

You're hit.

No, HE'S hit! [shoots at the helicopter and it lands in explosion]

Look out for that tree! [they bump into it and the airbag activates]

So this is what your dad does every day.

Wow, being a cable installer is stressful. No wonder you're always drunk.

Donna

Roberta, you're a fifteen I forbid you to have animal contact with this man.

You can't stop me. I've been texting him throughout this entire conversation.

Donna

Give me your phone, right now. [?] [Roberta: AAAAAAHH!! No, do NOT! touch me! I'll elder-abuse you!] Give it to me! You are grounded, Roberta! Come on, step to me! I dare you! I double dog dare you!

[Donna and Roberta begin fighting over the phone, with two mall security guards holding them back, creating a Jerry Springer-like atmosphere among bystanders] Now, my final thought. [about Donna] Is it too late to do a Jerry Springer reference? Hasn't he been done to death? And why the hell was he ever famous to begin with It's because of you people. You're all trash. We'll be right back.

There, more like a cooler. Ooh. Am I right, fellas?

No.

All right. Now it's time to play "Who can sit on a block of ice the longest?"

Gentlemen, I wanna see a clean sit. No hop outs, sparts, or clenches. [points his gun in the air] Go. [shoots it] [everybody pull down their pants as they sit on a block of ice]

Uhh... Ohh, ohh.

No!

Roberta, go to your room.

(BLEEP) you. [Rallo: No, it's not, one of the together restaurants, you can watching Thomas and Friends we can know it.] [she walks away, while Cleveland is left sobbing] [during the drag race, a car crashes into Raymond, Tim and Arianna the Bear's stoner son. Raymond is in no pain, but the car is smashed up as if it hit a wall]

I'd like to solve the puzzle, Pat. [passes out on the hood]

This retreat is a waste of diesel fuel.

I gotta be ruthless, like Bob the Builder before his morning coffee.