DHDwight Howard
Hey, Mom. Why is Stanley from The Office yelling at you?
I am not Stanley from The Office.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
So what do say during naptime I crawl on your mat when Mrs. Lowenstein didn't look, we could kiss each other on the....
[he picks his nose, rolls the booger, flicks it in his mouth and eats it]
Mmm..Lips.
LBLittle Black Girl
Eww!
[runs away]
What the... What'd I say? Bernard, Theodore. Y'all see that? She crazy!
BBernard
What you expect? You just ate a booger in front of her. That ain't cool.
Why not? Boogers are fun, free and delicious. Besides, that guy's doing it and he looks pretty cool.
[an Asian guy on the sidewalk picks his nose and eat it]
AGAsian Guy
Ahh, it's all fun.
TTheodore
Yeah. Well, girls don't think it's cool. They think it's gross. And if you don't quit eating them boogers, you ain't gonna sco no mo.
Ain't gonna sco no mo?! That was a booger. I swallowed it.
BEB. Emerson Plunkett V
And now, let us sing the town song.
[they start singing]
AAll
Oh, Stoolbend, lies Stoolbend. Whiter than whipped cream.
What are them, what now?
AAll
We proudly vow to never have a good basketball team.
Those are the words?!
AAll
Your white line shines brightly, all brightness it shooes.
Oh my god.
AAll
And don't even get us started on taco munchers and Jews.
Woah!
You're living in a storage unit?!
[Evelyn and LeVar look at each other]
LLeVar
Yeah, thankful close owners. So we moved in here.
What happened to your savings?
LLeVar
They're gone. Okay? I got scammed.
[leaves]
Scammed? What was it? A flim-flam, ponzi scheme, pyramid, straw men, three car monte, bayton switch, smash n' grab, ticklin' tate, jerk and jet, blow and go?
LLeVar
Nah, nothing like that. It was a telemarketing scam.
A ring-ring sting? That's the oldest one? Oh my, you become a dumb old man. Ah, hoh-hoh! This is delicious! Ha-hoh! This makes me happier than a butterfly when he runs into his caterpillar ex-girlfriend.
[Rick gets a cup of coffee]
RRick
Karen?
KKaren
Oh. Hey, Rick. What have you been up to?
RRick
What have I been up to? I'm flyin', I'm freakin' flyin'. Have fun on the ground with that drummer, you bitch!
[He flies away, then cries]'
Oh, Mom. I'm sorry this had to happen to you. You shouldn't be forced to live like this because you married a fool.
[LeVar get saddened]
The two of you shall move into Wilbermoore. My house, that's what I named it.
[Donna measures Cleveland, Jr.]
CJCleveland, Jr.
Hee-hee, hah-hah!
[leaves]
Come on, Rallo. You're up. [Rallo's hair is big] Rallo, you've grown a foot and a half. Young man, it is time I give you another haircut.
No offense, Mama. But I'm ready to get a real haircut from someone who qualified to cut hair.
Oh, so suddenly my master's in cosmetology means nothing.
Yeah, suddenly.
[Donna cuts a piece of Rallo's hair]
Well, I guess I can't help you with that. Little smart ass.
[the police are chasing the bad guys]
[one of them gunshoots, then the police shoots. the shooting continues as they bump into a red car, then the police car bumps into it and they tumble over]
[Cleveland is at a hat sale]
Trying on a hat, yes I'm trying on a...
[sees the van screeching out of control]
Aaah!
[the van bumps into Cleveland and the bowler hat went flying in the air and lands on the ground]
[Roberta slams the door on Cleveland]
Roberta, what's wrong?
What's wrong? Where I am innocently exploit Cleveland's celebirity connection, and the whole time he's just trying to pit me out!
[on the intercom] First good idea you had since you showed up in this peace.
What the hell was that?
It's Rallo. I got him an intercom so he doesn't feel left out.
[on the intercom] So how much we gettin' for the girl?
Shut up, Rallo. [turns off the intercom]
Hey, that's not my connection to the outside world. I exist! Rallo!
Cleveland, I think you owe Roberta an apology.
Okay, I'm sorry. Look, maybe I pushed things a little too fast. So let's just slow it down with a nice dinner for you, me, Barry and Larry. B. Shadwell and I already took the liberty of making reservations.
You're going to that dinner alone. My daughter's not for sale like some Chinese baby.
[chong]
MMan
This is a dream come true.
WWoman
I'm so excited to pick up Maline.
CGChinese Guy
Well, here she is.
[Maline cries as the Chinese guy puts her in a Chinese box, puts in a bag and staples the top]
CGChinese Guy
[shows them the bag] No MSG!
Ow! My eye!
[episode starts, Cleveland sits in couch, reading newspaper]
Ese no bueno.
[Rallo jumps on the couch and takes the newspaper from Cleveland and throws it at Roberta]
[screams] A homeless blanket touched me!
[Rallo grabs remote from Roberta]
Yeah. Toddlers and Tiaras. Five-year-old anorexics forced to get spray tans.
Hey! I was watching whatever that was.
[both Roberta and Rallo fight their way into upstairs]
[doorbell rings]
[annoyed] I hope that's a child murderer.
[Cleveland opens up door, finds to be Robert]
Close enough.
[Roberta, Robert, Jr. and Rallo walk into the skate park, goes into park, dogs bark]
Now, all the dogs are blindfolded, so it's a fair fight. But if they start wilding out, we're going to have to scram right quick.
[Robert looks towards Junior]
Junior, they'll come after you first, 'cause of they'll smell your salty meat sweat. But you big, you can handle them.
[Robert, Jr. steps back]
CJCleveland, Jr.
That genie was right, salty meat sweat was a bad wish.
And what's with this G-Mail? I just got used to E-Mail, will someone please tell me why we skipped F-Mail?
LMrs. Lowenstein
It's time to sign up for the school's annual participation show, because certain parents felt that the word "talent" set up unreasonable expectations.
And Danny Trejo, I loved it when you raped that guy in American Me.
DTDanny Trejo
That was Edward James Olmos.
You raped Edward James Olmos? Shame on you! He taught those kids math! !No es bueno!
[Cleveland returns to Quahog and rings the Griffins' doorbell. Brian is heard barking]
SStewie
[from inside the house] Hey, get back! Get back! Go to your crate! Brian, go to your crate!
BBrian
[from inside the house] I don't have a crate, I've never had a crate.
SStewie
You should. You'd feel safer there.
[Cleveland rings the doorbell again]
BBrian
Who is it, Stewie?
[the curtain is the window is pulled back a little]
SStewie
Some black guy.
BBrian
Uh, we don't want any candy bars.
SStewie
Or magazines.
Brian, it's Cleveland.
BBrian
Oh. Hi, Cleveland.
SStewie
Has he been cancelled already? He doesn't just get to come back!
Is Peter home?
BBrian
He...is...[whispering to Stewie] It's Cleveland!...[out loud, to Cleveland]...not.
Did he say when he'd be back?
BBrian
No....uh...vember.
[Peter is seen sneaking into his car and tries to get away from Cleveland]
Peter!
[Peter runs into his car and tries to get his key]
Come on, come on!
Peter, it's Cleveland! Hello! Peter, I'm standin' right here!
[mouthing silently] Fuck. [gets out of the car and says out loud] Oh. Hey, Cleveland. I didn't see you there.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Cleveland Show pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.