Donna Tubbs quotes from The Cleveland Show

Donna

Cleveland, get yo' ass off the grass!!

All across this great land, teenagers are takin' a pledge: The Purity Pledge, to hand over their virginities to their fathers, the high priests of the home.

Hear that? I'm the high priest of our home. I would like roast beef for dinner.

Donna

Shut the hell up!

Last minute check: any chives in my teeth? [he shows his teeth, which are covered with green leafs]

Donna

They're all over! What were you eating?!

Chives.

Donna

It's like my great grandmother used to say, "A lie is just an upside down truth."

What?! [to self] Can I trust Donna?

[about Jane] We tried to get her to stop hitting Holt and she beat the respective craps out of us.

Donna

She... beat up all of you?

Well, what were we supposed to do? We can't hit a girl.

Donna

Well, I understand. I never hit a girl, either. But I will smack the white off a bitch!

Donna

Nobody hurts my man!

Don't worry, Daddy. I'm gonna feed you, and wash you and change you, just like you did when I was a baby.

Thank you, Junior. [whispers] Don't let him do any of those things to me, Donna!

Donna

Junior, can you give us some alone time?

Okay. I'll go down to pediatrics and look at the chicken people.

Smells like a Denny's in here, but without the old man stink.

Rallo

You got that covered.

No, I smell like a middle-aged man: Propecia, hot wings, and night sweats from our adjustable-rate mortgage, now pass those eggs.

Donna

Uh-uh. Remember what Dr. Fist said about your cholesterol?

Yes, he said it was "appalling" and "life-threatening". Uh, pass the eggs.

Donna

This is your breakfast, Cleveland. The same breakfast you've been eating for the past two weeks.

More twigs?

Donna

Fiber Twigs-The cereal that lowers your cholesterol.

Aah! I got a splinter!

'Cause you got a mouthful of wood, like usual.

Huh? Oh.

Donna

Where did you get that huge wad of cash?

What? A man can't sneak into his house in the middle of the night, carrying a huge, suspicious-looking wad of cash, without his wife nagging him? Geez!

[to Chanel] Sorry he's so cranky. He was up til 7:15 last night.

Rallo

Oh, thanks! Anybody else wanna take a shot?

Donna

Rallo, are you bothering the big kids? Come here, I need to give you your diarrhea medicine.

Rallo

[to Cleveland Jr.] You are in for a world of hurt, buffalo butt!

Donna

What did you call me?

Rallo

No, not you, mo-[Donna grabs his ear] Aaaarrggh!

[drops the can] What the Halloween?

Check it out, Junior. I'm the late baseball hall-of-famer Willie Stargell. And Donna's Michelle Obama with Oprah's arms.

Donna

Hey!

But Pops, you said I was too old to dress up.

You are. And you're too young.

WHAT?!

See, you're at that awkward age where dressing up is lame.

Shh, shh. It's coming. It's results time.

I wish I could cross my fingers.

Here now with the news, Dwayne Meighan.

Good evening. I'm Dwayne Meighan. Today was the day when they had had an election. Everybody went and said what they had about a mission called the Brown-Krinklesac for the fat people or the fat individual. They had people that you assign your name on a sheet and then you could say yes or no and that... was for you but everybody got to say yes or no. At this juncture, several people are on a voluntary basis had encountered what they had called a ballot. There was what they had said yes or no. They had made one pile for yes and another pile for those who said no. Both pile were then counted, double-checked as the result for which was made official were had been a mission had actually been defeated.

Aww.

Donna

I'm sorry, Junior.

They had had a camera out at what they had at a part on polling place earlier with my friend Larvell. Larvel.

Donna

[on the phone with Cleveland] No sign of Janet or Holt. How about you?

[on the phone with Donna] Nothing. And I've looked everywhere too. [takes a drink of his cocktail] Even as we speak, I'm sitting here with the Las Vegas Police Department searching through the reckus of all incoming citizens. Sipping coffee out of a little styrofoam cup in a windowless room. [Donna comes up as his voice is in both cell phones] Staring at a flickering computer screen...

[cries] Oh, hoh-hoh-hoh-hoh. Oh, Donna. I'm in a pool. I'm sorry. I'll look, I'll find them. This pool don't mean nothing to me! As opposed I wanted to get caught. I'm sick! [finishes his cocktail and cries, still finishes drink his cocktail and continues crying, finishes the last of his cocktail and takes his straw and umbrella out, eats his lemon and tries to get the last drop of his cocktail]

Donna

Give me a break.

Thanks for coming to get drunk for charity, guys.

Uh, whatever Fox is paying us. [looks around] Wow, Cleveland. I figured it was gonna be all black guys, but this is great.

Missed ya.

I came as soon as I heard. Then I drove straight down. Giggety-giggety.

Comedy-comedy. [to Joe] But seriously, Joe. [slowly] Thank you for coming here to help with our charity function for the "disabled".

You do know I hear perfectly well. Don't ya, Cleveland?

I know you're trying. [turns Joe's wheelchair around] Brave, brave Joe. [pushes him as he screams]

Tim

What do you think of Cleveland's old friends?

Holt

Gay.

Lester

Damn right gay.

Tim

Yeah, you guys are so gay. Gay, gay, gay, gay! So gay! [they laugh]

Really uh, progressive-thinking friends you got there, Cleveland.

Yeah, I guess they like to throw around negatively inflective labels. [Joe comes back]

You guys are the gays!

No, Joe.

Joe.

Donna

I'll teach him to wash my dishes in my own house. [realizes] Wait... what the fuck am I doin'?

Donna

Roberta, you're a fifteen I forbid you to have animal contact with this man.

You can't stop me. I've been texting him throughout this entire conversation.

Donna

Give me your phone, right now. [?] [Roberta: AAAAAAHH!! No, do NOT! touch me! I'll elder-abuse you!] Give it to me! You are grounded, Roberta! Come on, step to me! I dare you! I double dog dare you!

[Donna and Roberta begin fighting over the phone, with two mall security guards holding them back, creating a Jerry Springer-like atmosphere among bystanders] Now, my final thought. [about Donna] Is it too late to do a Jerry Springer reference? Hasn't he been done to death? And why the hell was he ever famous to begin with It's because of you people. You're all trash. We'll be right back.

Hee-hee, hah-hah!

Donna

Come on, Rallo. You're up. [Rallo's hair is big] Rallo, you've grown a foot and a half. Young man, it is time I give you another haircut.

Rallo

No offense, Mama. But I'm ready to get a real haircut from someone who qualified to cut hair.

Donna

Oh, so suddenly my master's in cosmetology means nothing.

Rallo

Yeah, suddenly.

Donna

Well, I guess I can't help you with that. Little smart ass.