Scenes with Roberta Tubbs 20
RRoberta
I can't believe we're stuck in this motel for another night! Nothing exciting has ever happened in a D.C. hotel!
RRaymond
Didn't Marion Barry get caught smoking crack at a D.C. hotel?
RRoberta
Okay, yeah, but besides that.
RRaymond
Didn't Reagan get shot at a D.C. hotel?
RRaymond
Watergate happened at a hotel, I know that.
RRaymond
And didn't Eliot Spitzer--
RRoberta
[cutting him off] Okay, whatever! The point is we need to go out and find a party.
OOliver
Hey, guys, I got the idea. We need to go out to find a party!
Yo, Oliver's right. There are so many bummed spots out there where I can get the crowd jumpin' with my demo! There's a fat beat on top of it, I'm going like [beatboxing], then I'd do, "Federline! Federline! JOONES!" It's hot, y'all. Peace.
EMs. Eck
You know, I used to be quite doable myself.
RRoberta
So what happened?
Smells like a Denny's in here, but without the old man stink.
No, I smell like a middle-aged man: Propecia, hot wings, and night sweats from our adjustable-rate mortgage, now pass those eggs.
Uh-uh. Remember what Dr. Fist said about your cholesterol?
Yes, he said it was "appalling" and "life-threatening". Uh, pass the eggs.
This is your breakfast, Cleveland. The same breakfast you've been eating for the past two weeks.
Fiber Twigs-The cereal that lowers your cholesterol.
RRoberta
'Cause you got a mouthful of wood, like usual.
[both Roberta and Cleveland laugh. Then Cleveland pushes Roberta and grabs her plate of food]
CChanel
[sighs] This is so hard. I don't know how to find a se-can't of a triangle.
CJCleveland, Jr.
Well. Hold on then, se-can't. [laughs, then Chanel joins in]
RRoberta
Hey, is that Chanel Williams chopping it up with my steppity-bro?
I think you mean step-brizzle. [he and Roberta laugh; they all laugh until Cleveland comes in]
[bursts the door open] There's been a gas leak!
[Cleveland, Jr., Chanel, Roberta and Federline keep laughing until he pushes them out]
CContractor
Leave the batteries in your carbon monoxide detector from now on.
When your wife says she'll use them in front of you, you find some batteries.
[they both laugh]
Roberta, you're a fifteen I forbid you to have animal contact with this man.
RRoberta
You can't stop me. I've been texting him throughout this entire conversation.
Give me your phone, right now. [?] [Roberta: AAAAAAHH!! No, do NOT! touch me! I'll elder-abuse you!] Give it to me! You are grounded, Roberta! Come on, step to me! I dare you! I double dog dare you!
[Donna and Roberta begin fighting over the phone, with two mall security guards holding them back, creating a Jerry Springer-like atmosphere among bystanders] Now, my final thought. [about Donna] Is it too late to do a Jerry Springer reference? Hasn't he been done to death? And why the hell was he ever famous to begin with It's because of you people. You're all trash. We'll be right back.
[Arianna leaves as the audience gives an applause]
WFWally Farquhare
There, more like a cooler. Ooh. Am I right, fellas?
WFWally Farquhare
All right. Now it's time to play "Who can sit on a block of ice the longest?"
[the stage curtain opens to reveal Holt, Mr. Armstrong, Cleveland, Tim, Gordy and Angus]
WFWally Farquhare
Gentlemen, I wanna see a clean sit. No hop outs, sparts, or clenches. [points his gun in the air] Go. [shoots it] [everybody pull down their pants as they sit on a block of ice]
Roberta, go to your room.
RRoberta
(BLEEP) you. [Rallo: No, it's not, one of the together restaurants, you can watching Thomas and Friends we can know it.] [she walks away, while Cleveland is left sobbing] [during the drag race, a car crashes into Raymond, Tim and Arianna the Bear's stoner son. Raymond is in no pain, but the car is smashed up as if it hit a wall]
RRaymond
I'd like to solve the puzzle, Pat. [passes out on the hood]
[Roberta slams the door on Cleveland]
RRoberta
What's wrong? Where I am innocently exploit Cleveland's celebirity connection, and the whole time he's just trying to pit me out!
[on the intercom] First good idea you had since you showed up in this peace.
It's Rallo. I got him an intercom so he doesn't feel left out.
[on the intercom] So how much we gettin' for the girl?
RRoberta
Shut up, Rallo. [turns off the intercom]
Hey, that's not my connection to the outside world. I exist! Rallo!
Cleveland, I think you owe Roberta an apology.
Okay, I'm sorry. Look, maybe I pushed things a little too fast. So let's just slow it down with a nice dinner for you, me, Barry and Larry. B. Shadwell and I already took the liberty of making reservations.
You're going to that dinner alone. My daughter's not for sale like some Chinese baby.
[chong]
MMan
This is a dream come true.
WWoman
I'm so excited to pick up Maline.
CGChinese Guy
Well, here she is.
[Maline cries as the Chinese guy puts her in a Chinese box, puts in a bag and staples the top]
CGChinese Guy
[shows them the bag] No MSG!
[episode starts, Cleveland sits in couch, reading newspaper]
[Rallo jumps on the couch and takes the newspaper from Cleveland and throws it at Roberta]
RRoberta
[screams] A homeless blanket touched me!
[Rallo grabs remote from Roberta]
Yeah. Toddlers and Tiaras. Five-year-old anorexics forced to get spray tans.
RRoberta
Hey! I was watching whatever that was.
[both Roberta and Rallo fight their way into upstairs]
[doorbell rings]
[annoyed] I hope that's a child murderer.
[Cleveland opens up door, finds to be Robert]
[Roberta is making out with Federline]
Roberta...Roberta...Roberta...
RRoberta
Rallo, leave us alone! Go play a video game or somethin'!
Cool! If you need me, I'll be warming up some foil in the microwave for no reason.
[he leaves and as Roberta and Federline resume making out, a microwave running, an electrical shock and explosion are heard]
With the Commodores, those cats are out of sight. Ya ding.
RRoberta
Does everyone in this family stuck in the '70s? Can any of you name a single current rapper?
Oh, Cleveland. You are stuck in the '70s. They're the guys who wear the gold chains and go "Whippity-bop, Flippity-bop."
[pretending he has a microphone] Ohh, Donna. That is fresh. Let's have some more of that.
[Cleveland and Donna start rap dance in front of Roberta]
Whooly-hop, Whooly-hoo. And a woop-a-doo-lo-doo.
Scratch, scratch, sratch. [uses Roberts plate as a record]
[she and Cleveland stand together]
RRoberta
Well. If we're going on a '70s cruise, I'm gonna go get unwaxed.
Donna, you don't think I'm the whitest black man in America. Do you?
No, honey. What does that even mean?
May I take this? It means you were dancing like a little white girl so you could see a little white boy dance and sing for little white boys, white girls and a rainbow of pedophiles.
I was trying to win those tickets for Junior.
CJCleveland, Jr.
Keep me out of your freak show. [whispers] I really do want to go.
RRoberta
Look at you, you still say things like "Party over here!" and "Too legit to quit!"
Rallo, from now on, there will be no videogames, [Long Pause; ?] and no internet, no Angry Birds, no Angry Birds for Android, no Kindle, no Zoom, no Teo no Roku no Prondo no Switch no playpad no MIGO NO LICKSTER!!!
RRoberta
You know what, Donna, don't EVER DO THAT AGAIN, OR GIVE ME YOU'RE GROUNDED IN A WORD!
That's it! [quoting How Do You Solve a Problem Like Roberta?] I forbid you to have animal contact with this man!
So, does this mean you might wanna go to State?
RRoberta
State?! That Podunk school? Where I'm goin' is gonna cost WAY more than that.
Cleveland, Donna: [deep] Really?
RRoberta
Count to five before you follow me.
[exasperated] Yeah, I know the drill. [after Roberta leaves] Bitch.
[Last lines of the episode. Jr. has come home dressed as a gay biker.]
[Roberta is texting]
Thanks for making it so we can't have costumes, Roberta. You ruined Halloween!
RRoberta
It's my mom and Cleveland's fault. They're the ones who said we can't buy costumes this year.
[Rallo comes by on a tricycle, dressed as a dummy]
Except for me, 'cause I'm so cuuute! [stabs a tomato with a knife] Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!
[he leaves]
RRoberta
Awww. [to Cleveland Jr.] Look, I'm still going out this Halloween, and since I can't go with someone sexy, I'm gonna dress up as the least sexy thing possible. [changes her hair into Donna's] This is how I'm getting back at my mom.
You're gonna have sex with my dad!
RRoberta
No! I'm going as my mom. And you should go as Cleveland. Then we could go out, egg houses, T.P. trees...
[a knife stab is heard and Rallo screams]
And people will think Dad did it.
RRoberta
Come on, Junior. Let's get you in Cleveland's clothes. [walks to the closet]
Okay, but don't look at my breasts. They're not finished.
[off-screen] Oh, no, no, no. Y'all keep planning your pranks. I'll just sit over here and bleed out.
The Cleveland Show · 168 quotes
