[Roberta slams the door on Cleveland]
DonnaRoberta, what's wrong?
What's wrong? Where I am innocently exploit Cleveland's celebirity connection, and the whole time he's just trying to pit me out!
[on the intercom] First good idea you had since you showed up in this peace.
Donna
It's Rallo. I got him an intercom so he doesn't feel left out.
[on the intercom] So how much we gettin' for the girl?
Shut up, Rallo. [turns off the intercom]
Hey, that's not my connection to the outside world. I exist! Rallo!
Donna
Cleveland, I think you owe Roberta an apology.
Okay, I'm sorry. Look, maybe I pushed things a little too fast. So let's just slow it down with a nice dinner for you, me, Barry and Larry. B. Shadwell and I already took the liberty of making reservations.
Donna
You're going to that dinner alone. My daughter's not for sale like some Chinese baby.
[chong]
MMan
This is a dream come true.
WWoman
I'm so excited to pick up Maline.
CGChinese Guy
Well, here she is.
[Maline cries as the Chinese guy puts her in a Chinese box, puts in a bag and staples the top]
CGChinese Guy
[shows them the bag] No MSG!
Of course I do, son, but Christianity makes sense: A virgin had God's baby, who then grew up to be murdered by the [clears throat] Romans, so you and I could be forgiven for Eve eating that apple she got from the talkin' snake. Three days later, Jesus rose from the dead to tell everyone he was coming back someday to fight the Devil; then he flew up to his mansion in Heaven where he sits in judgment of the gays! HOW CAN YOU NOT BELIEVE THAT?!
But this is a Christian home!
Then how come we never go to church?
Donna
Church is for those in need, Junior. You don't go to the doctor when you're healthy.
[Clevland puts a little blue football helmet next to the yellow, the red, the purple and the green]
Donna, ya gotta see what I did for the superbowl party! Put some deodorant on and come in here. [spraying is heard] Both arms.
[Donna continues spraying and comes down]
Donna
Cleveland, what on earth is that?
[two chairs are floating above the couch]
VRP Scarbucks. I'm not sitting down here with you.
[suddenly, they hear an earthquake]
Donna
Oh my god! Is that the rapture?
No, rehearsal for the blue angel fly-over. They protect nothing.
Donna
You know, Cleveland. If you didn't spend all our money on your superbowl parties, maybe you can buy me a McMansion. Like that new one across the street. Mmm. [a mansion is across the street from their house] Killers.
Vulgar. It's vulgar, Donna. Do you want to be vulgar? Look, somebody's trying to break into it! [a burglar crawls into the window] Donna, call the police.
[Rallo has a cell phone]
No, man. You should do it. You sound white on the phone. They actually might come.
[Cleveland and a policeman, holding a flashlight walk to the mansion]
PPoliceman
You sounded white on the phone.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That window. [the policeman pulls out a gun and walks over. Cleveland whispers] Hey, can I hold the gun?
[Cleveland makes gun sounds]
[the doors open]
Freeze, dirt bag! [Chonie angrily walks up] Chonie?
[Donna is reading an Entertainment Weekly magazine, while Cleveland is texting]
Cleveland [laughs] Me and Lester are texting each other, Donna. Can you imagine him lying in bed next to Kimber. They look like the number 10. [laughs, sighs and gets depressed] I feel bad for Lester.
Hey, guys. I got a magic trick for you.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. Get out of here, Rallo! How do you know we weren't doing something prizy.
'Cause I don't hear "Celebration" by Kool and the Gang Now think of a number then write it down, and only use this pen and press really hard and then rip it off and don't let me see it. [Cleveland writes down a number, rip the paper off and tries not to let Rallo see it. Rallo then writes a number] Okay, what's your number? 10?
Yeah. Poor Lester. You trick, Rallo. Run along to bed.
Hold on, now. You haven't seen the incredible floating cigarette. [he has a cigarette hang from a string and tied to his finger]
Donna
Rallo, where did you get that cigarette?
Tobacco Company. Reppler's handing them out at the playground.
[to Donna] Smart. Now go back to bed.
One more, one more. [hands out cards] Pick a card, any card.
[Cleveland picks out a card]
Jack of clubs. Now go away.
Aw, man. [leaves and closes the door]
Donna
What are you so hard on that boy?
With the Commodores, those cats are out of sight. Ya ding.
Does everyone in this family stuck in the '70s? Can any of you name a single current rapper?
Donna
Oh, Cleveland. You are stuck in the '70s. They're the guys who wear the gold chains and go "Whippity-bop, Flippity-bop."
[pretending he has a microphone] Ohh, Donna. That is fresh. Let's have some more of that.
[Cleveland and Donna start rap dance in front of Roberta]
Donna
Whooly-hop, Whooly-hoo. And a woop-a-doo-lo-doo.
Scratch, scratch, sratch. [uses Roberts plate as a record]
Donna
Uh-huh.
Donna
Uh-huh.
Donna
Uh-huh.
Donna
I'm bad.
[she and Cleveland stand together]
Well. If we're going on a '70s cruise, I'm gonna go get unwaxed.
Donna, you don't think I'm the whitest black man in America. Do you?
Donna
No, honey. What does that even mean?
May I take this? It means you were dancing like a little white girl so you could see a little white boy dance and sing for little white boys, white girls and a rainbow of pedophiles.
I was trying to win those tickets for Junior.
CJCleveland, Jr.
Keep me out of your freak show. [whispers] I really do want to go.
Look at you, you still say things like "Party over here!" and "Too legit to quit!"
Donna
Stop teasing Cleveland.
Donna
Rallo, from now on, there will be no videogames, [Long Pause; ?] and no internet, no Angry Birds, no Angry Birds for Android, no Kindle, no Zoom, no Teo no Roku no Prondo no Switch no playpad no MIGO NO LICKSTER!!!
You know what, Donna, don't EVER DO THAT AGAIN, OR GIVE ME YOU'RE GROUNDED IN A WORD!
Donna
That's it! [quoting How Do You Solve a Problem Like Roberta?] I forbid you to have animal contact with this man!
Donna
[brandishing a bat] You havin' a nightmare?
No. But–what were you gonna do— Never mind. Check it out. [touches "The Eliminator" line with a ruler] The day is here. I'm tall enough to ride The Eliminator, the scariest roller coaster there is.
Donna
Fine. We'll go to Crazy Kingdom this weekend. [Rallo hugs her by the legs] Now I gotta get back before Cleveland realizes I'm not in bed.
[off-screen] Donna? DONNA! I'm trapped inside the duvet cover!
Mama, can I have some chocolate milk too for trying?
Donna
Of course you can have some. When you actually find something. Well, I'm off to the grocery store.
Don't forget that stuff Miss Lowenstein needs you to buy me for the recital this Sunday.
[Donna moans as she heads to the door]
Uh. You mean, other's day, 'cause Sunday is just an other day. [laughs] Nothing special.
Huh. Nothing special my fanny. Check out what I made for my mommy for Mommy's Day. [lifts the present to reveal a clay model of Evelyn's head] I made a bust of my mom's head. [pours milk on it] It's also a volcano! [makes sounds as the milk explodes] Spew. Spew. Spew.
Donna
[sobs] Well, I'm running late for weeping in my car.
[leaves]
[Rallo throws Cleveland's project out]
Have you lost you mind? You don't mention Mother's Day in front of her. The woman was abandoned at birth by her mother.
Donna was? Oh yeah. [thinking] Poor Donna. Well, I'd better talk to her. Good thing I've been practicing my listening face.
[Cleveland is in bed with Donna as he listens]
Donna
Cleveland, what the hell are you doing?
Donna
Cleveland, I wanna have another baby.
[jumps novelty pen] Uh—wha!?
Donna
I wanna have another baby!
Donna, we just got rid of a baby. Let's enjoy our twilight years in peace. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to write a letter, longhand, in the bathroom. [shuts door] Peen, pen. Pen, peen.
Donna
[lays back against the pillow] Donna wants a baby, Donna's gonna get a baby.
[Cleveland lies down on the couch. he gets up and opens the door to see Freight Train and Robert]
Hey, Tubby. We're back from Vegas.
So did you have fun with cool Robert?
Hell yeah. Did you know there is a hepatitis J? [laughs] Vegas is crazy.
Ho-ho, I know. I went to the M&M store once.
Yeah, we got real crazy. So crazy that we decided to make him and me official.
What?! Hell, no. That would be ridiculous. I adopted him. He's my son, now.
I've always wanted a son I could point to and say, "See that man over there? In a track suit? That's my son. My boy. My spawn. Nobody wears a track suit like my son."
You've never seen me in my romper. I'll go get it. [leaves]
[sighs; to Robert] Come on, cool son. Let's go wrestle up a few hustles.
[in his romper] Uh, Donna, get my back slip.
Donna
They're gone, Cleveland.
[trudging away and mumbling] My bottom's chilly.
The Cleveland Show · 168 quotes
