Granddad quotes from The Boondocks

Uncle Ruckus

First of all, if woman is over 35 years old and she ain't married then she must be as nutty as squirrel shit!

But everything was so right, and by everything else, I mean her looks. She was fine!

Uncle Ruckus

She couldn't look that good, she was black! But I guess if you put lipstick and a wig on a monkey, it could look good too!(chuckles, and says to himself) A monkey in lipstick and a wig...

Tobias

You guys are real fucking' assholes, you know that?!?!

C'mon, man, look on the bright side. You get to hang out here in the fields. With the real niggas. Ain't you sick of the white man?

Tobias

You know what I'm sick of? You two blaming the white man for everything. The white man this. The white man that. You'll never get anywhere with that attitude.

Man, fuck that white nigga. That's your master. I don't know that nigga.

Tobias

All I'm sayin' is, you stop bein' a victim, you might be able to better your life on your own.

You ain't said nothin'. Ima do that. You better believe it. As soon as Catcher Freeman rides through here with his brigade and cuts that cracker's head clean off, unh, I'm outta here. You ain't never see no nigga be gone like Ima be gone. Tell you somethin'. You ain't seen no nigga ride out like me AND Ima join the gang. I got a letter sayin' I could join Catcher Freeman's brigade and ride out with that nigga.

Damn, you get mail, nigga?

Tobias

That's your plan?! Catcher Freeman, huh? Why don't I just wait for Santa Claus to take you away on his sled?

Nigga, you don't believe in Catcher Freeman?!

Tobias

(mimicks Slave 1) Of course I don't. I don't believe in the Easter Bunny either.

I'm tellin' you, man. Catcher Freeman is real. He go round from plantation to plantation freein' all the slaves and shit. He like 14 feet tall. Got trapezeous muscles and biceps. It's crazy. He ain't just no normal nigga, he Supernigga. He like a black-ass Batman if you will. And he can fly. Underwater.

Wait, how'd they know who Batman is?

STOP INTERRUPTING!

Tobias

Ha! That's ridiculous! I don't even know who Batman is!

And what's your plan, house nigga? I bet you don't even wanna escape, all on Master's nuts.

Tobias

Oh I'm gonna escape all right. I'm gonna escape with this (points to his noggin), ok? With my mind. I've got this (pulls out a manuscript). It's a play but for the screen.

What screen, nigga? We in the 1800s.

Tobias

I've thought of a new way to display moving pictures on a screen. Of course, it's all abstract since I don't have any actual film or cameras or anything. But I'm gonna show Master Colonel my screenplay and when he reads it, he's gonna know this could be a huge projection.

Nigga, you tryin' to get off the plantation by sellin' a script? (They both start laughing) Nigga, you ain't even supposed to know how to read! How you gonna sell a script, asshole? Plus there's a writer's strike, nigga!

Uncle Ruckus

What in tarnation is he wearing?

I don't know. Do you think he's...?

Uncle Ruckus

On the train to Faggotsville? Absolutely. No doubt in my mind. I'm so sorry, Robert. A gay grandson, huh? I can't imagine anything worse than that.

Not Riley! Maybe there's another explanation. Maybe this is some kind of crazy sitcom misunderstanding.

Uncle Ruckus

No, wake up! Wake up and smell the gay coffee! All the evidence you could possibly need is right in front of your face. It'll only be a matter of time before that little boy be a grown man bent over a table with his pants 'round his ankles being entered repeatedly by another man. Toot toot! Last train to Faggotsville leavin' in five minutes! Leavin' in five minutes for that chocolate tunnel hole!

Granddad, what do you do when you can't do nothing, but there's nothing you can do?

You do what you can.

These are autographed copies my albums. Coonsville.

[offended] Hey!

Welfare Queen and Cadillac King, Help Me, I'm Surrounded By Coons, Don't Let Your Niglets Grow Up To Be Niggers, I Almost NAACP'd Myself, Spooks of Hazard, Black Toads and Ghettos, How 'Bout Those Crack Babies, Nigger, Stay Outta My Wife and Niggers Don't Die, They Just Smell Like One.

[extremely angry] Aw, fuck this shit! Ok, that's enough! Get that redneck son of a bitch outta my house!

Gimmes dis shit, lil' nigga! It's my story! Now my boy, Lord Rufus Crabmiser [point at the screen], Lady Esmeralda Gripenasty [give the middle finger at viewer], and Mister George Pissedofferson met at the Better Passions Retirement Home. Now we hate each other right away; but we hated everyone else, even more.

Oh, Yum!

Swiped! [slurp] Jello jacked nigga!

Not again!

A-9, A-9.

Ha Ha! Bingo, sucka!

Lady Esmeralda

Bitch, turn yo ass around and look at your damn card.

Now What the fuck do I win, nigga!

A er... subscription to reader digest!

GIMME DAT SHIT, NIGGA!

(laugh) MOVE OUT DA WAY, BITCH!

(groan)

Eventually; they couldn't take us no more and they kick us the fuck out. My crew roamed the earth whooping niggas asses for a decade. [The Hateocracy grabs the bags and leaves] And then we split up. Colonel H. Stinkmeaner-

Colonel H. Stinkmeaner died years later in a street fight with Robert Freeman from Woodcrest.

Hey, th-that's me!

(To Riley about the messy living room) Jesus! Boy, look at you. All you do is lay around here and watch TV and eat my food and breathe my air, just as lazy as you can be. Go out and do something.

Riley

What am I supposed to do? I ain't got no money!

Well, try getting up off your ass and cleaning up my living room. You lucky President Obama is not here to see this! You're lazy, you need a hobby or something!

Riley

Give me an allowance and I'll find a good hobby.

Allowance?! I allow you to live here. I allow you to eat my food! I allow you to burn up my electricity!

Riley

I mean a money allowance.

Well, how about this? Trash is starting to stink, and guess what? You're allowed to take it out. Hee-hee-hee.

Riley

(voice over) I was a loser. I might as well been dead.