Well, you were looking for hate. Way to go.
RileyShut up, punk! Instead of bein' Mr. Funny Nigga, why don't you try bein' Mr. Help-A-Nigga-Go-Jump-A-Nigga-And-Get-His-Chain-Back? Man, I gotta find a way to get it 'fore Thugnificent finds out.
Riley, let the chain go. If Thugnificent wants it back, he can handle it.
Riley
Then he'll think I'm a punk and kick me out the crew!
It's just rocks and metal. It's only worth what you're willin' to give up for it. Is it worth gettin' hurt again?
Riley
Yeah.
Riley
Yeah.
Riley
Yessir!
Riley
Yeah-yeah! (A look of shock appears on Riley's face, and he covers his mouth.) Oh! NO!
WHOA! Kissin' a man? I mean, if it feels natural and that's what you're into, I mean... (Huey gets up and walks to the door without looking back.)
Riley
No, that don't count! That's a do-over! I didn't know you was gon' say dat!
Guess you really want that chain back. (Huey opens the door and walks out.)
Riley
NO! THE ANSWER IS NO!! (...and the door shuts.)
Riley
Come one, Ed, you gots to help me out.
Kidnapping? Uh, I don't know, Riley. My grandpops would be tripping, man. Why don't you, you know, try something different, like diplomacy for change?
Riley
Man, just snatch him up, and if the nigga don't have the chain on him, get the regulatin' him, and make him tell you where it alt.
[To a tied-up child hanging by his feet from the ceiling] Now, what I want you to do is think - just think - these two grapes, is your two little itty-bitty-kiddie testicles. [He smashes the grapes with a massive sledgehammer.]
BBoy
[crying] I don't know, I swear to God!
Don't swear to God. I talk to God all the time and God happens to be the one who told me to torture your ass, ya lyin' stealin' motherfucker. [raising the sledgehammer to take a swing at his face] You gonna tell me where that chain is, I know that!
Riley
Ed, can I talk to you outside? Please?
[Grabbing the boy's hair] Look at my face. Look at it! I'm gonna crush your little kiddie penis with this hammer when I get back, if you don't tell me where that chain is at!
BBoy
[Wailing incoherently]
Riley
Now, Ed! [Riley and Ed leave the room] That's the wrong kid, Ed! I told you to grab Butch Magnus, 5'4, 130 pounds!
Well, how was I supposed to know that was the wrong kid?
Riley
I gave you a picture, man, how hard is it to grab the right kid, Ed?
[Walking back into the room] You told me to grab a kid. I grabbed a kid. You don't like the way I do it, then do your own kidnapping. [untying the boy] You know what, that's your only freebie. You want me to kidnap anyone else, you payin' top dollar.
Riley
That's not fair, you grabbed the wrong kid!
Tough titty! [To the boy] My bad. You go ahead and leave. [As he cowers] What the fuck you lookin' all scared for, huh? I said you was free to go right? Which part of 'my bad' do you not understand? Oh, so now you wanna make this a whole big fuckin' thing, huh? Well, fuck you, then! [he lunges at the boy, to be stopped by Riley]
Riley
Woah, okay, okay, enough, man, enough!
Naw, naw, man, I'm sick of this shit, I'm tryin' to squash it, right, and this bitch-ass motherfucker still actin' like he hurt and shit. [Grabbing at the boy with every sentence] I ain't even touched this motherfucker, yet! I ain't even brushed past you yet, I ain't even make eye contact with your punk-ass! [As the boy runs away screaming] Yeah, come on over here, I'll give your bitch-ass something to cry about!
(Flonominal and Riley confront Butch at the baseball field)
FFlownominal
Butch Magnus!
(Butch turns around with his usual defiant sneer)
FFlownominal
Yeah, motherfucker! You fuck with ONE member of Lethal Interjection, you fuck'd with every last one of us! (starts forward -- Butch doesn't budge) Come try some of that tough shit with ME, you little--
(Butch slams a baseball bat into Flownominal's knee.)
FFlownominal
Oh! Man!!! (collapses)
Riley
(winces)
FFlownominal
(writhing on the ground) My motherfucking' leg! Owww!
You can take this piece of shit chain! My dad had it appraised -- he said it was WORTHLESS! (throws the chain down next to Flownominal)
FFlownominal
(in agony) Oh Jesus!!! My motherfucking! Oh Jesus!
Ya broke bitch! Get a real chain! (casually walks off)
FFlownominal
My leg is broken!! Aauuughhh.... (sobs) Mother(Beeped)'... stupid ass bitch! Motherfucker... oohhhh!
(Riley picks up the chain)
Riley
(narrating) Know what? Still better than an old funky "necklace"!
(Riley walks away proudly)
FFlownominal
...punk motherfucker! (notices Riley leaving) Man, Riley! We cool, nigga! Remember?!! Come help me, Riley! We in a crew! Augghh!! (Riley doesn't even look back)
(Cindy is taunting Riley on the court as she stands dribbling)
CM"Fearsome" Cindy McPhearson
Got 'em.... Got 'em.... Got 'em!!
(Blows past Riley and scores with a layup)
FOUL, FOUL, keep your hands off that little girl
Riley
Come on man, that’s some old bullshit!
Riley
'Yo momma so ugly...' No, wait. We can say, 'yo momma so black, when she gets out of the car, the oil light comes on!'
(Huey looks at the opposing sideline, at Cindy's mother -- a very beautiful (and very white) woman)
Huey': I don't think that's going to work.
I'm not gonna fight you, I'm grounding you!
Riley
Ground me? What is this? Family Ties? Nigga, you can't ground me!
I just did. Don't leave the house.
Riley
(under breath) This nigga musta lost it! I wanna know what this nigga be smokin' on! Shoot. Talkin' about I'm grounded. I'm Young Reezy! I goes where I wants'ta go.
Riley
(After being drop-kicked) You better have eyes in the back of yo' head, nigga.
(Huey opens the closet door, but Riley is no longer inside. Riley appears in the hallway with a set of Air guns and starts shooting at Huey)
Riley
Say hello to the bad guy! Hee-hee! Heh heh heh heh!
Damn it Riley! You ruined our family! You drove granddad away, now he's never coming back!
Riley
Granddad left 'cause of you! Nobody likes you Huey, 'cause you're a gay-ass, hater, fagey boy! Heh heh heh! Heh!
(A gun battle ensues)
Riley
Okay! I'm reloaded! Hee-hee! Heh heh heh heh! How you like that, fool?
(Both have guns pointed at each others heads, at point-blank range)
Why does it always have to end up like this?
Riley
Cuz youse a bitch.
You guys are real fucking' assholes, you know that?!?!
S1Slave 1
C'mon, man, look on the bright side. You get to hang out here in the fields. With the real niggas. Ain't you sick of the white man?
You know what I'm sick of? You two blaming the white man for everything. The white man this. The white man that. You'll never get anywhere with that attitude.
S2Slave 2
Man, fuck that white nigga. That's your master. I don't know that nigga.
All I'm sayin' is, you stop bein' a victim, you might be able to better your life on your own.
S1Slave 1
You ain't said nothin'. Ima do that. You better believe it. As soon as Catcher Freeman rides through here with his brigade and cuts that cracker's head clean off, unh, I'm outta here. You ain't never see no nigga be gone like Ima be gone. Tell you somethin'. You ain't seen no nigga ride out like me AND Ima join the gang. I got a letter sayin' I could join Catcher Freeman's brigade and ride out with that nigga.
S2Slave 2
Damn, you get mail, nigga?
That's your plan?! Catcher Freeman, huh? Why don't I just wait for Santa Claus to take you away on his sled?
S1Slave 1
Nigga, you don't believe in Catcher Freeman?!
(mimicks Slave 1) Of course I don't. I don't believe in the Easter Bunny either.
S2Slave 2
I'm tellin' you, man. Catcher Freeman is real. He go round from plantation to plantation freein' all the slaves and shit. He like 14 feet tall. Got trapezeous muscles and biceps. It's crazy. He ain't just no normal nigga, he Supernigga. He like a black-ass Batman if you will. And he can fly. Underwater.
RRiley (V.O.)
Wait, how'd they know who Batman is?
GGranddad (V.O.)
STOP INTERRUPTING!
Ha! That's ridiculous! I don't even know who Batman is!
S2Slave 2
And what's your plan, house nigga? I bet you don't even wanna escape, all on Master's nuts.
Oh I'm gonna escape all right. I'm gonna escape with this (points to his noggin), ok? With my mind. I've got this (pulls out a manuscript). It's a play but for the screen.
S1Slave 1
What screen, nigga? We in the 1800s.
I've thought of a new way to display moving pictures on a screen. Of course, it's all abstract since I don't have any actual film or cameras or anything. But I'm gonna show Master Colonel my screenplay and when he reads it, he's gonna know this could be a huge projection.
S2Slave 2
Nigga, you tryin' to get off the plantation by sellin' a script? (They both start laughing) Nigga, you ain't even supposed to know how to read! How you gonna sell a script, asshole? Plus there's a writer's strike, nigga!
HHost
Ok. Ok. Here it is. This yah boy! This yah boy look ok this moment you've all been waiting for. It's the world premier and that's not just around here that's the whole world. The brand new Gangstalicious video, the song is called Homies Over Hos.
(The host is still talking in the background about the video) I thought you hated Gangstalicious.
Riley
I mean he a punk and all that, but he send a nigga some free CDs and apologized and all so I decided to squash it.(music starts to play) He still a punk though.
Homies over hos (bitch). Homies over hos (bitch). Homies over hos (bitch). Homies over hos (bitch). Do the homie. Do the homie. Do the homie. Do the homie. You never catchin' 'Lish, rollin' with no bitch, 'cause bitches ain't (Beep). And so my crew is thick..
Riley
The beat is iight.
... A bunch of knuckleheads. With bald heads and dreads. Nigga we hatin' on them hos like we hate the feds. Bitch can't you see fall back away from me. Me and my niggas bumpin' chests in the VIP. Now bump it to the left. Now bump it to the right. 'Cause when you do the Homie got to do it right.
Come on Riley. The song? The dance. I mean... "do the homie?"
Riley
The homie dance ain't gay. I do the homie.
That's not gay? You who thinks everything in the world is gay.
Riley
(flashbacks of riley) Nigga you gay. You gay. Ya'll niggas are gay. Nigga you gay. That's gay.
You don't find any of that gay at all?
Riley
Okay, so all that others stuff was gay. But Gangstalicious ain't gay. You cant just go throwin in that "gay" thing around Huey. Thats a serious accusation.
You the one who said he kissed a guy.
The Boondocks · 205 quotes
